"Oh I'm so jaded"
At least there's now Dreamweaver on this computer - I'm going to start htmling soon. Properly. Hm. Yeh well Stef's site, lady's site, my site, work site. Hm 4 in all. Wonderful.

Otherwise I'm in this mood. I guess I can say it's artistic. Arthur says that you have to be depressed in order to get work going. Maybe this is what I need. Trouble. At least I started writing again. Through tears, through hurt, fear and anger last night/this morning, I realised how interesting it feels for your heart and soul to be burnt at the stake. I have to remember to post the stuff I've been writing - they're all at home though.

Dido is playing from my mp3 cd. Bobby is here :) We've been having some fun with JoeCartoon and he just saw Killer Bean2 so he's all over it. Music rocketh more though.

Back to the shit that's going on. I can't afford to actually say much here because last night my site got out to some people I would have preferably not have snooping around reading about my life so that's not good. It's amazing. I'd rather complete strangers read this than acquaintances. Close friends are fine. I'll consider passwording this now.

How should one feel when one is torn between parents and s.o.? Who to choose? Who to defy? Who to trust? Who to love? Both love you, you think. Parents come first sure thing. Do they really understand? Do they know you? Can they see inside your soul? I know mine can't. I shut them out. I don't like them near me, I can't stand it. The distance is growing further and further and I just want to get out. Then I think...they're all I really have. No one else gives a fuck. They're right in that sense. But they won't believe me if I tell them what's the real deal. They so won't. They stand in their conviction that it's all wrong.
Then there's the other side. Wouldn't I just like to run away and be peachy with the s.o.? Impractical. Very. I'm a blithering idiot. I'm emotional and heart oriented. I've got an intimacy problem, yet I've got a tendency to cling. Yuck. Bad combo peut-�tre. Hm. Fun.

Why the hell am I so weird? It's at times like these I want to disappear. I wonder if anyone will notice me gone. Ok maybe a few, but still you know. I just want to go incognito for a few years with only my close friends at hand. Such a recluse. The idea is outstanding.

This morning I'm walking in work. I see a girl I know. I'm like 4 paces behind her. Thank God she doesn't look back and starts talking - it's a good 5 minute walk. I can't take interaction. I want to hide behind those sunglasses. I only want to talk to people I can either have fun with, or chill with. I don't want to hear any more bullshit. I've had enough. Between last night and this morning it's been a highly volatile situation.

2 am. Crying my fucking eyes out. You think this is healthy? Ok artistically healthy. I haven't picked up a paintbrush other than for the sole purpose of moving it to look for something else, for a while.

My horoscope is saying that I need balance in my life and my emotions are strong today etc. How true (scary) is that? Romance looks pleh for today. Let's see what else.
OMG. "Needless to say, a tiny issue could snowball into an emotional avalanche at a moment's notice." Ok that was even more scary and very real. I have to find constructive ways of dealing with my feelings apparently. Uh how?