So after I posted that I ended up babbling on and on to Steph who has other things to think about. This should be here...yet not because it's perhaps over personal. I cannot even begin to be as personal as I want to be.

Why can't I just get along with my life, make my life ...be. So the past few months have been interestingly tumultuous. Emotionally. I suppose for the past couple months though, I've pretty much had a tourniquet on my heart. Off and on something leaks out you know...it loosens a little bit, and it goes, poisons my bloodstream and makes me lose a few more brain cells. Great just what I need...a little more dumbassness and sarcasm to lift me up from this abysmal shithole.

If that made sense...go me!

So anyways. What do I want? No...what do I really want? I don't fucking know. So the tourniquet goes back on again...with a teeny weeny bit of leakage that's going to continue to torture me. Yes me...drama queen. So shoot me. I dare you. Wait..hold that thought. Uhm..don't shoot me. I'm not one who likes pain very much.
So if I had a choice/chance with the one who appeals to me the most with that whole sexy aura, what would I do? Flirt thing or *gasp* commitment thing? The latter seems so utopian, and I know I may have some problems with it...now. The former is a temporary fix to fill some kind of void and it's usually not worth it. So then? Ah so you see!
Freeze that heart.

Mom: "Don't trust guys who are too nice to you and mushy and stuff."
In-fucking-deedy.
But then...who do you trust? Not even yourself baby...not even!
How do you know when there's that balance? That proper balance? Where you have someone who isn't that nicey/mushy/chillingly sweet and yet ...cool. Ah well.
I trust mom's judgement better than mine. I know not one shit.

Speaking of mom. She's still sick (for anyone who remotely cared). She's in quite a bit of pain and it ran through her mind that perhaps t may be ome sort of hocus pocus shit, but after my eye-rolling, I am hoping she doesn't take this seriously. She commented that some people may envy our family and our happiness. Hmm. Interesting. My aunt called her this evening, totally upset her, had the lady in tears, so I'm very upset at that. I cannot stand that one aunt. She's rather irritating, and because she's an unhappy, undersexed hag she finds everything to say about everyone. I also have strict instructions that if any family calls, my mother is indisposed. What I actually am tempted to say : she's dead and to go away, but I'll be nice and not project. I do love my mommy.

My ex just flirted with me again. Why? Pfft.

Tourniquet it off. *squish*