*grumble*

Terrible frame of mind. Lots of stuff bothering me. Urgh. Have been ducking most phone calls, dumb people, chores, everything, but yet not sleeping as I should. You'd think I'd be hiding, but there are other things to do you know. Arts was a definite saviour. Indeed. Somehow he magically appears, feeling just as crappy or maybe worse than me and we're chatting about the most arcane random crap. *grin* Good fun.

I'm thinking I'll stay up a little bit longer, just to blog this out. My whole soul is in utter shambles. I need to stop feeling guilty or something.
I totally dissed this job thing yesterday, even though I'd said on a whim on Monday that I would do it. It was heavy on my heart because I realised only after that I'm worth quite a lot more than the offer given. Idiot moi - wish I was better at on the spot maths.
So, there's this grand toss-up about me being humble and accepting this, because I am just starting out really, yet with the thought on my mind that I know for goddamn sure that my work is top notch and doesn't deserve to be exploited. My father thinks that I've worked too hard to achieve what I have to be exploited this way, and heck I agree. I suppose I am influenced by my peers as well, who have opinions. I see their points and made my decision eventually based upon my own gut feeling as well as theirs.
Yesterday morning I was almost ready to go, and felt almost physically ill. I figured if I take this and start working for shit pay I'll be completely unhappy, and it would definitely show up in my work. I cannot work under such pressure. I'm sorry. It's beyond me and everything that I stand for with regards to my talent and time and people taking advantage of such.

I'm still in denial I suppose? I mean yes I need the money, but if it means unhappiness...well. PFT. I think I'd rather be poor, inexperienced and happy. I have made happiness based decisions like these before. If I hadn't heck I'd be richer and more settled by now, but of course, 'tis the life of an artist.
I want respect and understanding from a potential employer. Course that whole issue is just way confusing. It's a vicious cycle thing where I have to be humble or something and yet not lower myself below certain standards. I'm trying I tell you. I am. If I give them an excellent product, I expect to be paid accordingly.

Need my site up asap. Need my business in order... Do I feel better yet? Nope. Still depressed about it.

Star Wars lime tomorrow/slumber party with the chics. I think I definitely need a laugh break. Darsy's site is still functioning smoothly, with minor changes today. I'm figuring I need to sleep properly. Will it all be better tomorrow? Gym helps me keep my mind off of my problems for a couple hours I guess...