I am coherent.

I'm such a lucky bastard. I've got many nice friends and family it's not funny. They're so very cool argh. Sometimes I wonder what I do to deserve it. All I know is that I'm very blessed. Feeling in this weird nostalgic happy happy amiable mood. Is it the whole Christmas thing getting to me?

Church that I did not attend...for the past...um you don't want to know. Not like I can actually remember right now. No I'm not guilty dammit, because as I advised one of my peers earlier, I'm trying not to feel guilty about anything. The thing is, you're fully aware of what you're doing mostly all the time, unless imbibed or in a coma or something, therefore you should not have regrets about doing or not doing something. If you've thought about it and made a decision then that's the size of it. Hard luck otherwise.

Um so I was saying...church. Blah. So many nice people around who actually go...and there are some who don't go and are still nice. Coincidence? *hum*

I feel like something is missing right now. Maybe someone. The veil of confusion wrapped around my heart might give me a heart attack. flop flop fishy on dry ground. random random thoughts all over the black page. jealous plays on the radio.

cough

"If you gotta go,you gotta go
and if you stay,you stay" - Sin�ad.

Oh my...what's up with all these good songs tonight. Sarah M now. Good grief, there's so much of this I can take. I need some distraction for real. I'm not in the arms of an angel now...maybe just good ol guardian angel.

Perfection. My problem. Always aware of criticism up to a point. When it's not good I want to die. I want to stay awake till my eyes fall out of my head because I need to get it...just right. After I am pleased everyone can say what they want of course.

I need the inspiration. So so much I need it. Right this minute, right this second.

Merry Christmas! Least I rang in Christmas with my favourite person - who I frequently get pissed at hehe. "You make up for all that you lack" That's all I'll say about that. ;)

I'll be gone for a couple days if anyone gives a damn. I sent this request to join a webring - not feeling to get the link and such. I'm almost face down the keyboard and drooling all over it ok.

My posts shall be sucking salt for the next few days I think...when I get myself together then I'll get my thoughts and words organised. :)

It was only a dream, no reason to get upset. But I still am. The fiery redness of my anger is fading slowly to a paler pink. That was one flecked dream no doubt. The sandman knows when to piss me off and how to do it. Not fair.

It's Christmas Eve - I'm supposed to be filled with joy and peace or something. I need to vent - cuss it out, throw stuff around (not recommended because of clean state of living area), cry, sleep (from which I just arose), eat dinner or chocolate. Hmmmm. Idea. Happy endorphins. That I need!!!

*crumples into ball* I do hate being this lonely.

*proceeds to get off the net in case someone calls* Hah right. Wishful thinking Trace.

So my room was done since yesterday morning. The lime ended up ok, with the late late late arrivals of everyone. Good grief. It was cool though. Jus, Miche, Chris, Alisia, Stac, Krys n StarCraft child Kishan (spelling?) and moi. Dr� and his friend passed thru later.

Chris dropped his girl off and returned and we sat there talking a load of crap - not once entering the pool mind you. The charades proved interesting enough though. Then we all headed home here and the 5 of us, Jus Miche Stac and Chris piled on my bed and talked till 3. They were mean to my stuffed aminals. *sniffle* You don't want to know what the boys did to them. Very very veryyy scary.

Avin sweetie - sorry again!!! I totally dissed theboy this morning because I thought it was a bobo who was calling me, who I'm avoiding like the plague. *puppydog look* I hope to heck he forgives me else I'll have to be stalking him till he does.

Meanwhile I think I've finished my shopping. I got this bargain nail polish today for $8 (compared to what $21?). Revlon Street Wear - yum. The colour is Heartless Cruel - hehehe how appropriate! Stac splurged more than I did I think.

Now to wrap gifts and write more cards. Oh the pain. No wait it's fun, but a slight chore when there are cool people around to talk to. I also have to send out Christmas e-cards. Guess that should be my task for tonight.

*poofs to go do chores*

Half of my room is clean and I'm very proud. I don't want to touch anything now... Course I have tomorrow morning to rush and cean the other half, dust, change curtains, fix up wardrobe. *cringe* I think all I want to do now is take a nice nap.

Tomorrow's gonna be really busy because after the rush to make things look decent, I have to pack my clothes, head down by Jus for a lime that's probably gonna go till late. Then when/if we get home we're probably not going to sleep. Vampiresses we are oui.

Saturday maybe the mall might be fun :) I guess we'll see what happens. I need last minute cards/gifts. Argh - yes still. Blehgrr. At least I'll get tohang with Stac finalement!!

I braved Port of Spain, wary of weird people following me. I think. Got some more last minute shopping done. So I'm finally broke and still need to get family gifts. Woops?

I saw this happy couple walking around shopping today. Grr. How annoying ...dammit :P I'm not even going to talk about the state of my love life for I don't even know what's going on. wdcv.lewajbv.akwrvbgwruvwgb. Ok vented.

I'm gonna go try to be arty now...else is sleep.

I am so tired it's not funny. Gonna cyapse in a few minutes I think. So I finally spoke to Stef...I think our lime will have to be planned after Christmas. I think I shall be by the the beach the 26th and 27th, and well I should be free from then...haha do I finally get a social life for the hols?

*tries to blink away the sleep*

Why don't people understand the state of my computer? Once more. This is the last time I shall declare to the world. *sigh*
I have a Compaq 486/25 yes 25 Shut up. I've got a 230MB HD, 16MB RAM. La di dah. No I'm not upgrading, I'm a poor desolate soul. Go away and stop bugging me, else give me a new computer and shut the hell up already.

Bleh. Sleep?

*shivering under blankie that isn't helping that much*

My goodness what's with this night temperature? Is it gonna snow just now? It must be like...18C out now...don't speak of windchill. There's breeze blowing around my house through open windows et al. I don't usually feel this cold. La Nina I swear. The bitch has gone overboard.

I need money. Oh my. Running on terrible low. Eeek. I passed through the mall today, gasped at a few prices, and well walked and walked. I did realise however, that many of the gifts they're selling for over $100 are hand made, and that I can do it. Course, if I had the energy and patience I could :)

Speaking of which, I am worried greatly about my portfolio..as has been the case for the past I dunno how long. Need to get to that computer and learn Director as well as a few other proggies.

Crap..it's almost 2 already? Gee where does the time go? Actually I thought I'd be capping out by 12...looky that. No surprise. I want to do last minute shopping today. Hmm shopping with no money - oh joy. Tis the season to be broke!

*grumbles about having to get into bank account money*

*blinks away sleep* No no go away!!!

Life is so funny. The moment you need to talk to someone, that's the time when there are 4 people online and all are n/a. Great. I'm just slightly depressed I guess. One of those gdamn stupid days.

Headache or something. After a very interesting, draining conversation last night well into this morning..ending at 5 , I am pretty numb. *mumble* I can't even think much and anymore.

*looks at previous 3 entries and rolls eyes* I should go write out all of these weird strangling feelings.

I think tings are organized around here again. Omg what a night!!! I'm just so tired it isn't funny. Updating this thing has become a nightmare...if it isn't one thing it's another. I spoke to God (yes gasp and faint whatever you must) and said that I couldn't handle this crap anymore and to behave etc.

I should sleep I guess - else I'll be here poring over Blogger all night trying to get things totally perfect. I hate loose ends and waste files and unnecessary junk around. Delete delete neaten to perfection..well as close as I can come that is. Adieu.

Ah so I'm generally done with overall re-design. Just a few more tweaks. I'm getting there. It's almost 4....good grief.

Am I upset? No. Am I cold? Yes. Am I dizzy? Slightly. Fingers and toes feel like icicles and I'm so stubborn I won't don socks :)

After Farzy awoke me at 12, I spent the rest of the evening working on a new look for my group blog. I do hate to not please people...especially myself. Ok so I know it looks ugly, but umm gimme a chance?

Bleh for now.

"I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake " - Blind Melon.

*mumble*

What's really going on? *ponder*

Avin called tonight. Such a darling he is...stressing with exams. Poor UWI sciency people. He enjoys it though - good for him...and Dara. She's another one. Good grief. Anyways I need to meet Avin soon. Like sometime this year? Maybe not. I've known the guy for years and we haven't met - and he's in UWI for christsakes. It's worse than not meeting Stef for a long time. But tis only Av left - those close ones who I never get to see. We live in the same country....help?

In more news, in which I'm terrible at being current, there's this dude, Maxgm who's got this awesome site. Ry you rock.

I feel so insecure. I wanna do Jus-type websites too. :( Patience grasshopper Trace. Me=impatient bastard. I want to do it now dammit. *whines* Jussssyyyyyyyy.

Oh right. I knew I forgot something. There's a new baby in the family. My uncle on dad's side now has a boy. Another Sagittarius...woo fun. Babies...brr. 2 minutes with Arielle and I get tired. She's a year and a half. By God...what energy. Remind me not to have kids? Ok so I'm saying that now...but I realllllyyy cannot handle such stress. They're cute though....when they now get up from sleep or just dropping asleep :)

I'm so overjoyed at this thing working I'm tangeting again. lol. Bon nuit!

Well my group bloggy has started...my computer home is screwed. Lovely. Thank goodness I have a cool uncle with a pretty computer :)
So...nothing has been going on. I now have 3 blogs to contend with which means tons of updates. I shall have to revert to Opera 4 to get anything done home. Opera 5 just messed up big time. Can I sue? :) Ah well. So anyways I'm frustrated about that...the worst thing is being able to connect to the net and not being able to surf - just talk..to no one. Lonesome Trace talking to herself. As usual.

The sun is pretty hot these days which is nice for a change. This desk is too high...keyboard high. Ick. Hmmm face printer desk and perfect height. Yay! Bah neck Twisting though. Lol. Enough of this blabber! Mouse to the rescue!!!

YESSSSS it worked!! The upgrade did it!!!! Now hmmm I dunno if I sent out those invis right but hopefully they were sent! I'll have to wait and see.

Arghh Jus started his group blog before d I. :( Well it not up yet but if I can only get the damn invis out. *sigh* Gonna try upgrading Opera.

What a useless day. I did just about...nothing. Gotta go get stuff downloaded. NEED my blogggyyyyy. *sniff*

I have this headache that's not giving up so I just too good ol Panadol :) To this moment I have not gone out for my birthday which is gone. *sniff*

Boredom maximus. Ok so I have work to do...and? I've been here for a while surfing, reading, doing nothing constructive. As per usual. Great. *roll eyes*

I'm deprived yes I am. Sam I am...rofl oh my. I picked that up from Green Eggs and Ham. My cousin Ashleigh is crazy over that book, had me reading it to her last Sunday for her birthday. Dr. Seuss rocks though. Someone take me to see The Grinch...if it comes down in time! Well whenever it does...

Stac stop buffin poor Jus. Lol...poor child he is. Anyways we have to have more serious discussions. :)

*twiddles thumbs thinking about what else to write*

Bawitdaba da bang da bang niggy niggy? ROFLMAO. You know... these people *have* to be high when they write this stuff. *cracking up* Just looking at the lyrics man...wtf. Doh talk for R(icky) Martin. Good lorddddd. She bangs? Helloooo? Some people are just lyrically challenged. Tsk.

Maybe I should sleep? Can't ...at least right now. Very distracted. *pewf*

Ay happiness! I got a huge pretty arrangement of flowerrrsss!!!!!! Delivered and stuff. How rockin :) So ok I'm not used to this special treatment :P But umm yeh it feels pretty good and gets my happy happy joy joy endorphins all flowing and stuff. My aura is like glowing right about now :) What a cryptic note but I *know* who it's from and I love him dearly. *hug*

Jus ummm yeh I only text browse your site - lol small price to pay. Pier 1 might be a plan actually. I want to be with all my friends though dammit. We'll see. Ay you found out Christian's new number yet? I should call him lol. I not calling that damn cell :P

South people need to get their butts up north for ole years. Stef, Stac and whoever else...come. Hmm I talking as if that's a proper plan yet rofl.

I'm gonna look at my flowers :)))))

It's amazing how the tiniest things just get to me. Fire me up and there goes my happy face. *sigh* What a night. It's so easy for my mood to swing. If people realise this they won't do anything to piss me off else they'll get it...badly.

Happy Birthday Ed! I doubt he'll ever check this soo I guess I'll have to e-mail or something? As if he keeps in touch with me :P

Stac -beach -weekend? Lol. Umm I'm hoping? There's nothing else to do methinks. Let I woman know :) We need to lime!!! I want my friends this weekend! Oh most are away or have exams. Great. That leaves umm you n me kid?

*falling asleep wondering what the day holds*

I got a camera! A nice little simple once but a camera all the same!! Yay! Heh I love my daddy - he does spoil me :) *grin* Otherwise today has been restful. Thanks again to all of you who sent greetings, cards, e-mails. Love you all!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to... So goes the the theme for today I figure. It's more than likely going to be a boring day. I think? Well this is it, the big 2 0. Great.

Yesterday I did oh..nothing :) Joy. I want a new comp!!!! *bawl n scream*. I hate not being able to play the cool games dammit. Just not fair man. I get stuck with these 1 and 2MB stupidass little idiotic games. Grr?

Santa hear my plea? I've been good this year dude. Nuts. I do think it's my karma to just have to WAIT all my life. Wait wait wait. I'm fed up!!!! ARGH. And applies to everything. I'm patient dammit but this is ridiculous how long I have to wait for things. Grr n stuff.

I'm cranky now yes...or something...or just sleepy. Screw it. Thanks to everyone who remembered to say Happy Birthday - least I got greetings. Thanx Dars - love the frogs they're cool :)

No Doubt rocks...love love love them! "Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" Hehehe. So I'm in a better mood now for another of those strange reasons.

My room is a mess...tubes of paint scattered and paper covered with paintings...well just one I'm working on now. The Alex painting is still drying I think. A clay pot is also drying...what fun. Calligraphy pen and paper all over my desk. Photos here, cd's there, cosmetics strewn carelessly. The environment of an artist. Lol.

A pretty moth just alit on my hand....but he's gone now. Gorgeous though... Frog stop grinning at me..ok so you're cute but don't overdo it. This lil stuffed froggy I have, you press his tummy and he makes a loud annoying croaking sound.

Looks like I'm tired? But I had coffee. I've been wasting time playing Tetrinet. Argh. Today I should go get those pictures scanne...only a few came out though out of the roll I took. Stupid camera. Someone give me a camera for Christmas? Pweese? *sigh* Digital?..HAH.

So my birthday is tomorrow. 2 decades....wow. I know Dara for more than half my life. This is ridiculous. Mann scarrryyyy. Reeally freaking out here. But I guess I'm enjoying my life. I don't *really* want to go back to any particular age.

Oh my I must start my next blog - maybe later though. I already did the html but I have to upload it - oh joy. Anyways. That's for a faster comp to do - right now I have no patience with this thing, I must catch a vapse.

Steffy good luck with your Astrology, I know you'll ace it!
Arthur write me else I'll thwack you.
Jus - hi I love seeing my name in your blogs. I feel wanted and stuff... hmm but that's another story.
Stac - I expect to lime with you weekend eh! I have not a remote idea of what we'd do but we'll see.

Over and out.

Why am I awake? Tell me why...why do I keep doing this to myself. Dying inside all over again. My friend's lyrics come in and just have me thinking again. Think think.

Why can't people understand human needs? Why people need love and understanding? Too logical... no good. Oh man...disaster awaits the one who just doesn't get a clue. By that time it'll be too late.

It's been a really...weird night. I'm awake at 3:30 am. Help? *breathe* Time for the ole meditation thing I think.

Moving on by the way is just overly f*cked.

In other news, I should be adding a new blog, just for my friends. Stef's already agreed to participate, so has Rav, and I'm sure Stac will. My main people for now...

Stac thanx for your e-mail. Love you much! Thank you thank you thank you. I need love after this more than stressful night. Some kind of assurance that I am still loved, wanted...whatever.

Looks like a lovely day for hibernation. Ok so everything's happening at once and I'm not in a good mood. Sue me. No it's not PMS - a little late for that.
There was more to be said tonight but I can't seem to recall anything.

Except that Teletubbies is a really excellent show for toddlers. They really have fun with it. I've seen it for myself, and even though it is sorta gay to us older folks, for them it's cool. I like..respect the show now. I am getting old... argh.

Guess it'd be a good time to advertise my birthday now? It's the 7th..this Thursday! (Yes Rav you can write it down this year) I expect many greetings from afar and e-cards and love and presents lol...yeh and a big surprise when I get nothing.

Life isn't fair...once again I realise this. Oh joy. Morons all around me. Trace when are you going to drop them?
*die*

It's really early and I'm pooped again. I dunno how much energy I have to write this but I promised to post some stuff for a friend :) These are some newly written..fresh off the press songs that need a critiquing. I think they're awesome aready and don't need anyone's approval but my friend wanted an audience so to speak.

This is the first one.

close your eyes and fade away
no one loves you any way
close your eyes and stop the tears
no one cares about your fears
close your eyes and pretend to smile
it'll all be over in a little while


close your eyes he said to me
i'm not the one who'll set you free
so let me go and say goodbye
no i can't just stay a while
close your eyes and i'll walk away
you forget i never said i'd stay




i watched him go i waved goodbye
i did my best i didn't cry
he didn't pause he didn't turn
it was a lesson i had to learn
i let you go i set you free
but then you'd never belonged to me




i closed my eyes and walked away
you don't know why but i couldn't stay
i didn't stop and i didn't turn
it was a lesson i had to learn
you've let me go and you've moved on
it hurts so much that i was wrong


close your eyes don't fade away
the hurt is less than yesterday
close your eyes and stop the tears
give no mercy to your fears
close your eyes and learn to smile
it'll all be over in a little while

Lovely huh? Here's more.

denial

never more
you're gonna hurt me
never more
i'm gonna stay
never more
i'm your baby
never more
turn away

for so long i stayed
i waited
i had hoped that you'd come through
you let me down i'm disappointed
and now i am through with you

now i'm gone and you can't have me
now i'm gone i'm finally free
you thought i loved you
you weren't wrong
but you didn't think i was strong
and now i'm gone and you can't have me
now i'm gone and i am free

go away and let me be
now's the time i live for me
you say you're sorry i see you cry
but i don't stop to wonder why
it doesn't matter it's too late
i'm better off at any rate

turn away
cause i don't wanna see you cry
i don't wanna know you're sad
i don't need to remember
all the good times that we had
cause i am free and i'm not sorry
i am free and i am gone
cause i got tired of staying waiting
i am free and i've moved on

So all of this is pretty hot stuff I think. I need not say anymore :) You guys give me some feedback on it so I can pass the info on ok?

Meanwhile....if you're still coherent...my life is so interesting. How easily my mood can swing from happy to outright anger and perhaps some sadness?

I am human after all with flaws and the whole shabang...but I don't consider myself un-nice. I don't like being hated. I try to be cool with everyone. Some people just need help. I guess it's their loss. Tsk. *lets it slide*
Ok that's off my mind...I think. Cool Trace cool....jus cool. Very very cool.

Oh my. Deja vu...a glitch in the matrix!! They changed something - oh no....or something. lol. Ok sssh... it's the sleepiness. Don't think I'm like totally off my rockers. I'm only quarter way off - long way to go still.

Bon nuit. Will write more when I eat some Duracell.

I'm soooo sleepy. No afternoon nappy yesterday so I'm typing in my dreams now. I vacuumed *gasp* and decorated the christmas tree *faint*. Imagine that. Earlier when I was about to nap, ot the urge to finish my Alex painting...so it's even sweeter now. Oh my what depth. I LOVE oils!!!

*scratches head* ummm I'll go now. Fingers getting weak. No hot boys anywhere...help? Oh I'm still single I can scope still dammit. I'm not feeling guilty cuz I wanna scope...no way...I couldn't be ever cuz I'm single right?
Hmmph.

Ok ok enough of this I need my rest! Good night.

Ok finally Stac I read your blogs! Woo I've been missing out - woops....sorry I didn't achieve a higher state of Stacblog consciousness sooner. Had the wrong url woopsy..*duck* Still love ya :) Soo gonna be checking more and well I'mnot subscribing to yer mailing list cuz I'll check ..unlike some other people (Rav) who don't check enough.

Must...fix..everything...tonight. I'm busy updating pages and all of that fun stuff. Poor compy must be screaming at all this opening and closing of programs. Tsk.

What a boring day - well mostly. Dara signed my guestbook! Yay finallyyyy!!! Today was actually sunny *faint*. My word. It's a miracle I say...though this evening it rained again..lol but for most of teh day it was clear.

My phone has sorta been good so far. Last night I was rudely disconnected and it started crackling and being fuzzy and evil...wtf...so I went to bed around 2 or 3 am.

I finally did all my e-mail this morning! Yayyy. Hmmph speaking of which I have secretary work to do for dad. Bah.

A textual FTP client. Ravvv..ok ok...I'll spare the space only if you promise it's better than CuteFTP :p I don't mind being geeky in the name of HD space but only if I can understand and all that funkalised stuff and execute.

Off again I think - must..complete...stuffz... Gonna read your stuff now Stac!

I finally got online! Woohoo! Still raining...um hello Trinidad isn't into the whole monsoon thing ok. Sheesh. The break from the net tonight was good though...I completed a whole painting. Imagine that.

Arts, I did the Alex painting...it looks awesome man I can't wait for you guys to see it! I would scan it sooner but it's on canvas soo I may have to get a pic and then scan. Joy. Where's someone with a digital camera when you need one??!!

I am excited to get on to my next project actually. I don't think I've experienced this fire within my soul for a long long time. This is just great. Limer, Tiffany and Steffy thanx for signing :) I only just checked that on Steff's request. Yes my dear now you know what a blog is :)

Rav's noticed my great mood...lol...ah...yes after one time is another eh? :)

I do adore the Delirium/Sarah McLachlan song Silence. Yes it's hot. Oh my speaking of music - I missed the My VH1 Music Awards - not to fear though they'll be re-running it for a while I figure. All I wanna see is No Doubt and Creed perform.

"But everytime I'm close to you there's too much I can't say, and you just walk away" - Sarah McLachlan - I Love You. Sums up some feelings towards certain people. Ah well. I think the whole song does.

Umm I think there's a bat swooping around my house. I know for sure there's a froggy...he scared me when I went into the kitchen to get my grape juice earlier and I've been hearing him hopping around *splat splat*. Soo I'm hidden in my room. I will really have to die if there's a fire. ROFL. Woo grilled Trace. Ick?

Happiness. I think I should stop writing now and go do my backed up e-mail! Argh sorry Nats, Chrisy, Eric, JeromeG, and err whoever else...no I think that's it. Hmmph I'm so bad :-/

I'm out...looks like a long day today. *wave*