*looks @ date* Um. Right. Didn't blog last night. *yawn* I'm feeling tired, for no apparent reason. I mean really now, what have I done all day to merit sleep? I wokeup around 6:30 a.m. much to my disgust, all for the love of answering the bloody phone, then of course I couldn't get back to dreamland. So I went and watched tv. Hmm. I looked at this little kiddy show and thought about my baby cousins and how much they would like it. Just think, I would have loved that too when I was a baby. Actually I apprecate it more now, cept I wonder now about the actors and what they look like, and how they control the puppets so well.

Yesterday was tiring, mentally, physically, emotionally. Not like it wasn't fun..I just hung out and talked and stuff but that can get you more tired than running a marathon maybe. As if I would know. *yawns again* Ok time for bed. I guess I'll write some more later on.

Whoa. I've been accepted into The Art Institute of Boston. I'm still awaiting the actual acceptance letter, but you know how snail mail can be. I got an e-mail today about a tour of the school and all of that. I can't go for April 7th, but then there's orientation. I need some funds now and I'll be off ? This feels strange, exciting, cool, and I'm as hyper as a little bunny. Hop hop hop.

Actually I'm pretty sleepy, because today has been interesting. Well yesterday. I had a job interview, which went interestingly err strange. I don't know how to judge it as this was my first real interview. The day before, I rushed to the mall to find a working shoe, because I realise I have only sandals. So today, breaking in the new shoe was hell, I now have a few blisters here and there. Wonderful. This was in UWI, and there is not small...ugh. The screwy thing is, that afterwards, looking around the office, I noticed that everyone wore casual footwear. Great. Bastards. Well I think my $250 investment was worth it. Sorta. My feet are telling me. Hello? Who are you kidding? Dumbass. Could have saved that money.

The sun was amazingly hot, bright, scorching, and my feet were very unhappy. When I got home finally, limping through the door, I took a cold bath, got lunch (at 3 pm) and talked on the phone for a couple hours. Haha. :)

That kinda made my day, because I just relaxed and almost fell asleep...erm not like the conversation was boring, just that I fell into a nice subdued happy state. Sleep finally came a while after, so I guess that's why I'm still awake right now. Right bed. That's my next move.

Ari's still sick :( There's this terrible terrible virus going around people. Please don't get it. It's like gastro but worse.

*zzzzzz*

I've got "nothing" to do again so posting. Actually, I'm really tired for some reason, (I think doing nothing and liming all day makes you more tired), but I can't sleep. I've got a slight headache for reasons unknown, and there's dinner to have, but not in the mood.

Endless amounts of energy to waste - hmm yoga? Maybe. To chill the heck out. I'm anxious, excited, hyper, nervous, something. Not quite sure - it's just one of those moods. It's already 10:30 argh, so I guess I should sleep. What am I doing tomorrow? Not a clue. Aparently supposedly looking for a job/preparing resum�s. Whoopeeding.

Today was interesting, fun, and well...introspective. Kinda. *beam* I haven't beamed in a while have I? Hahaha. It's nice to feel good. Good moods are good. Very good. Ok signs that I should get offline and sleep or something? Or just stop the blogging!!! This will get me into trouble I swear!

My baby cousin Arielle is sick :( Poor sugar dumplin. She's got gastro or something, and is feeling like crap. I hope this angel (more like a mini Taz) gets better soon. Pray for her or something.

It's been so long since I posted here? Good grief. Time really flies. No fun. I'm cold. Well I could turn off the fan, but that just wouldn't be fun afterwards with all the mosquitoes buzzing and having dinner courtesy my o+ red stuff.

*looks at previous post* Hahahaha bad mood I guess :) I am allowed. The past couple days hve been a little strange though. I feel better, maybe because I have distraction. Hmm isn't that always good to have? :)

I feel myself veering towards something....maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right. Oh well. Whatever happens will. Self control dear girl... Oh boy. Hahaha. Stac!!!! Dars!!! I need you both - the eviller one and the sanish one! Advice needed...oh..like NOW. Think think.

Let's see. Otherwise, I saw Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon yesterday. Interesting. Very interesting. Some serious action sequences, as expected from a kick up flick. This, doubled with Tai Chi, was my basic introduction to the whole Chinese action flick genre. Yeh we've all seen Jackie Chan movies, but he's pretty westernised. Not this stuff. Hmm. Goodness.

What do people see in this? The beauty of the martial arts, or the kicking of lots of ass? Males in particular love this stuff, yet you won't see them in a class learning the real thing(do you?). I wanna learn some kind of martial art one day, for more than just the kicking ass.

Ok ok it's really not about kicking ass. It's about err reaching some level of oneness with nature? Umm ya. Discipline, strength, coordination and well a damn good way of venting frustrations. My dad suggested that I should vent (instead of hitting him) doing kick boxing or the something. Someone give me those Tae Bo tapes please? Lord knows I need it. Haha.

Before I say anything else I have to hail Kasper. He's the Danish bunny who I left out on my people page (I will update it eventually), and who's complaining bitterly about being left out. He hasn't been around much though so :P Still a darling :)

Some people are so understanding. The other sets of bitches are just sooo clueless it pisses me off to be around them. Tolerance lowering and lowering. Have I done some sort of crime in my past life that I am unable to receive care attention and love that I want?
Yes want. That's it yeh want. All women want it. And just because I'm "different" some ways doesn't make me less of a normal woman wanting the same old thing that women have always wanted!!!

What do women want? Figure it out. We're not men and will never be. Live with it. Hence my solution to the whole damn problem as said on today's group blog :) Everyone has their cake and eats it. Plain and simple.

Since the world isn't perfect and people aren't either, though we'd like them to be, guess we have to deal with the crap that happens. Tsk. Maybe that's why we shouldn't deal with humans at all. Maybe it's better to live in some kind of perfect virtual world. What the HELL am I talking about?

Alt-Tab, Alt-Tab. Over and over switching windows. Nervous as hell. Tense, wondering if a message awaits me in the next window. It's not there. Heck. My whole body, every last cell is so tense. I obviously need a good massage, or something reassuring coming from someone who I don't intend to get anything from. Never works. I'm here, waiting, hoping, and not getting anything. Typing helps to pass the time though, despite it confusing so many people, and disturbing others, and causing snide annoying remarks.

Mood. Until I get some distraction I may stay like this for a while. It isn't that easy getting as distracted as I want to be, though it's easy for some to say, "well get over it quickly go do something" Right I'll try. Uh huh.

Communication. Poof. The wires have been cut, burnt, smashed, ground, swizzled, liquidated. Damage has been done. Can there be new cables ordered? Think. Right now I don't even know. I just want a fuckin fairytale. Too much to ask. Yes. Apparently it's life and err it's supposed to be this way? Bllllahhhh. I need a psychiatrist...or Dr Drew.

I've been trying to read a lot more, trying with all my might to keep my slackass brain occupied, and yet I'm so jaded ("oh you're so jaded baby I'm afraid of you"). The next 10 days are going to be bad bad bad. Why must I miss people? It's not healthy at all. Never supposed to miss anyone.

*slouch*

I answered Justin's get-to-kno-you thing again today out of pure boredom. Even if I answer 10 of the same kind I'll always put different answers...well mostly. Actually sometimes they're quite insightful. The fateful - is the glass half empty or half full? Eventually it ended up that my answer is half empty. Pessimist. Blah. I've changed a lot.

How did that happen? I've so many experiences that have just led my soul to become bitter,hard, pessimistic, bitchy...everything bad? Haha. That's painful in itself, to see me change from a pretty clean soul to a nasty ugly one. So I've got some good parts still I'll admit, but there's that ugly side. I'm bad :(

How can I let myself go? I guess I can't get "good" overnight. Blah... I'm just a little tired of having absolutely no life and/or not making use of the life I have as it is properly. My ideals for how my life should be has made me impatient and stupid.

It saddens me that I scare away certain people. Perhaps it's my loneliness, my only-child syndrome thing, my lack of a life or well what I would consider a life. Apparently I've got too much time on my hands tonight (waiting on certain people to arrive). So *poof*

"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders"

So anyways today err yesterday, was most inspiring. I finally caught the award-winning HBO documentary, The King Gimp. Dude. I was completely blown away and cried at the end of course. Despite missing a good 1/2 hour or so, I still managed to pick up the essence and spirit. Whoever has not seen it must watch it one day. I missed it when it premiered and pretty much forgot about it. I found Dan's website and more articles on him, his art and everything.

I am ashamed to call myself artist. I feel shallow, lame, stupid, ignorant, and feel like I've wasted all of my life. He has the uncanny ability to just overshadow you with his immense passion and spirit, dear Lord, and he can't even write his own name. His art is pure soul. As he said, he "obeys the brush". I wanna be like him. The King Gimp is now my idol.

In other news, I'm desperate enough to want to sell some paintings for income. Hmm. I have reached...seriously. Maybe Dan will give me the encouragement I need to start back painting for me, only me. I don't want to live up to people's expectations of my paintings. I started a bad trend when I did all those pretty pictures back in the day. People should realise that I have to grow, develop into me. Everyone wants something pretty for their walls. Ok pretty it is, but must it be akin to the old stuff?

I have to give a whole lot of paintings, about 12 or 13 in all to family and friends. My parents insist and well so do a few friends. That's not the problem of course. The problem arises when everyone gets picky. I guess this happens to many artists? Let me paint what I paint. If you don't like it screw you, you just won't get any. I can get $$ for it outside, from some happy rich person who wants ugly art in their house. Perhaps.

My next problem. Where's my creativity? Do I have any? Am I really an artist? Can I actually make it out there in the world, with all the competition, horror, reality? Ugh. All these questions swirling around in my head. Is art really meant for me? It seems the best thing that I can do and am good at, but where is my inner artist? My special Gimp dude, where does it all come from? Where is it born?

I wonder if I have a art soul sometimes, if I'm worthy to play with paint on canvas. What's my style? I don't even know if I have one. This sucks so much. How can I paint 10 hours a day, every day? Maybe I'd like to, on some days, when the mood hits me like lightning. Usually so short-lived. I want that passion, that drive to just work for endless hours and get lost within myself and my work.

It seems that I'm too jaded. Why? Very disturbing. I should paint what I want to paint. Forget everyone and everything around me for just a little while. Can I afford to do that when so much is going on around me?

Time to sleep on it.

A whole WEEK being unable to blog!!!! I angered the computer gods apparently. Hehe. I *think* I'm back in order. Patience, virtue, all of that lovely stuff I needed.

*rubs hands together trying to warm them* How come, even though I'm typing, that my hands are the coldest? It's not likethey're not moving. Shouldn't my middle and butt n stuff feel colder? Actually it's 3:22 am, it's cold and I'm talking a whole bunch of crap.

My candle's still burning. Well one of them. I toldmyself when it died I would go to sleep. *Yawn* I played with the wax from all of the 7 candles I had lighted up tonight. Pretty colours, nice scents. Yum. It's amazing though how it dries. Swirl it around and poof when it stops it dries right there. Beautiful! I mixed some pink with some lilac...woooooo.

What have I got to say that's of any worth I wonder. Dumdeedee. I'm supposed to be working on colour schemes fro Rav, though I did that already, i wrote them all down. Implementing them on those pages might suck a little more. Off to seek some kool icons now.

Damn. So many missed eye-candy scoping opportunities today. Apparently Long Circular Mall is filled (enough I guess) with hotties working in wittle kiosks. Mm. Woohoo. I should have hung around there a little more and just conveniently want shoes or videogames...something of the sort.

Me? Bad? Where? A girl needs her daily intake of eye-candy ok! *snooze* I basically walked all day in hot sun, got my skin crisp with UV Rays. The day I didn't sunblock up enough I had to walk around in really really hot sun. Bah. I don't wanna get spotty :(

I miss everyone dammit.

Saturday. I'm home. Actually I went out already. Just want to sleep now. I have nothing of interest to post today, other than the fact that it's interesting to feel wanted. Weird even. Not knowing whether to like it and bask in the glow of it, or be totally on guard and be defensive always.

So apparently my mom has advertised me for a job, so I have to send in my resum� tomorrow. Cool. If I happen to get this...well it'll be quite a start. *grin*

Happy Birthday Rav! Love ya hunny!! I have a few more people whose birthdays are today. Aunty Debs and my Swedish bud Nevyn.

These TTPost people are unbelievable. I have to pay for my own present. You think this is fair? The postage has been paid, yet I have to pay VAT and import duty. Hello? I'm basically paying for them to open up private, special mail, browse through my letters/cards etc, and who knows what they'll take or break. Ugh. Bastards. Prices have increased mind you, from last year I do think it has doubled. *sigh*

In other news, it was International Women's Day yesterday. Power to us. Yes. Men suck. Not like I don't like em or anything...well sometimes. You girls know how it goes. Men bring us down and we're the bitches. Sad day on Sesame Street. Tangent there.

Feeling somewhat tired. To rest or not. Someone has me up...not like I mind :)

I didn't blog yesterday? Oh right. I'm up after 12 soo that means another day has creeped up and I'm still awake, and still living yesterday. Freak? Yeh. Vampiress? Maybe.

I have

I'm calm and mellow again. This is a good thing, especially for everyone around me. I'm so thankful have good friends who don't mind me venting and cursing and ranting. For the one I scream at and curse a whole lot, I'm sorry. Composure regained. I love you.
That goes for all of you people too. Thanks for being there for me.

I need some time to heal. My faith and belief and values have to be mended and stuff. For too long I've neglected something that I shouldn't have ever let go.

That Sesame Street song : " It's a long long road, but I'm gonna get there..." just sums everything up nicely. I'm so going to get through this.

Hm. Withdrawal symptoms kicking in. Sleep needed I guess, but refusal to retreat to the comfort of my bed shows just how screwed up my mood is. Lovely.

Why must I miss people? I'm feeling oddly alone and desperate for ...salvation? Yes this is Trace's sleep state talking. Woohoo. I am drug-free dammit. I am going to start seeing sheep draggingme toward my bed just now....no no wait..the little lambies from Sesame Street...they soo rock.

Lambies is a damn cool word by the way. That reminds me.
To quote Mary Engelbreit and her cool shit - " Life is just a chair of bowlies". Talk about tangents Trace. Sheesh.

Somehow I'm still grumpy, but not so much now. Surfing around the net and reading and just chilling out has helped me quite a bit. I've realised this over the past few months.

I should go with my own instinct no matter what anyone says. *sigh* Alas I have tried other people's way and it just has not worked. I do "what's best" and it has not worked. If some people would just leave me alone, no matter how much they care, no matter how much they try to help, I know that somehow things will work out. It's not like I don't appreciate people trying to help, but there's comes a point when you're coerced into doing something you really don't want to do, and the result is that you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

You know you say to yourself, ok, maybe they're right, maybe this is best for me and my life. Only you know yourself. Hopefully. Well I think I know myself well enough.

Hmm what am I rambling about? Few will find out. It's not about friendship or anything...it is about stuff that has made me go through a kind of hell I really don't want to again.

Sad day. Moving along. It's all experience I guess. Wasted time, wasted money, wasted energy. All of this to show me what again? Good Lord. Give me a break already.

What the fuck. Yes I'm so livid I could scream.

Some people can be the MOST insensitive at the time that u REALLY don't need to hear a whole lot of bullshit. Fuck it. Oh that hurt hurt hurt soooo much.

To have someone you feel closest to, and need right there when you really do need them, and to get dropped like a hot fuckin potato, really goddamn well makes me feel like my heart is being torn open and ripped to shreds.

Why must there always be a reason for everything? Why can't I cry for no reason? Why must I be depressed about something? It doesn't work like that sometimes.

I feel so alone now...so empty. *backspace*

I am so glad I can fall away sink into my comfort zone and just hide from everything. Sometimes. Otherwise I want to lash out and hurt someone. I maintain my calm so well :) Thank goodness I have my blog and my room else I'd explode.

What's the use?
why try to fight?
let it be and leave me alone.
Go away.

Errr moving on along. Devoid of that lame excuse for "poetry".

*grumble*

I'm hoping that by blogging my screwed up mood will diminish and I will be calm again. Why are there people in my house? Must they have come home and annoyed me upon their arrival? I love being alone at times like these. The evening was going so well.

What's up with these 10 million flavours of Pringles? Pizza is supposed to be for pizza. If you want pizza flavour eat a goddamn pizza. The Cheese Ums and Sour Cream were enough but nooo they had to try something else. Errr not like I don't eat them...tsk.

I heard somewhere that Procter & Gamble is some devil worshipping establishment (that's making millions). Hmm. Is it because they've got a lot of money and stuff that people automatically think they got it by selling their souls to the red guy himself? Please. People don't stop poppin' haha. It's a conspiracy!! The devil's taking over with food, not the occult.

Hmm rant rant. I'm obviously on a roll now. Great. *cough* No no more drug ads I swear. I haven't popped a pill for the day. The mucus that's clogging up my brain hasn't driven me entirely off the edge just yet. Almost there though.

Carnival's over. Lent has begun. Oh my...Ash Wednesday and no ashes. Weird after all these years of Catholic schooling, and the dreded trip to mass to get the ugly cold ashes drawn so untidily on your forehead. I always found it hideous. Maybe I'm just a heathen. Oh welll. *pops a Pringle* Boy oh boy am I going to hell. If there is one worse than what we're currently inhabiting.

*poof*