Funny annoying little day. Will blog later in quiet time or whatever.
Yet again I'm tired and feeling to drop down. I haven't been doing that much if you wanna know, just not sleeping quite enough.

*tries to blink away the sleep*

Mad cool lime today. *grins widely despite severe sleep deprivation* Rory rulez!

Ellerslie Plaza looks overly shitty now. It has become really cruddy.

Oh my word. This isn't working. Je m'excuse!

*falls into bed*

Last night I disconnected a little before what 10? I really did plan on getting back online, though that plan sorta got oh..strewn by say...2:30 ... 3am...considering I was chatting a la telephone. Yes ladies and ...others, almost clocked 6 hours. *hears gasps from audience* Ah oui. My mom eventaully came in and cut things...short. Well...at that time..you know... short being a relative term. Hah - she had this wild look in her eye like she was gonna kick my ass. *cracks up* Woo fun.

My dreams ended up overly screwed afterwards though. Nightmares which I just can't publish. Ever. So just now dragged myself out of bed, part of me screaming...no no bitch get back to beeeddd, and the other yellin, no no more horrible dreams dammit. So I'm 1/4 awake. Joy.

I think the longest I've ever been on the phone is like 3 hours I believe.

Dammit I did a boo boo. I hate Blogger sometimes dammit. My cut thumb is also annoying the heck out of me. Damned olives.

I thought it pertinent to post these lyrics for some godforsaken reason.
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

The past few days have been so intense. Whoa. I can't begin to describe this strange new feeling.
Needing to hide away for a while, needing to be with myself and only those who I want close by.
This song remains pertinent.
Take Me Home - Sophie Ellis Bextor

(Heaven, heaven, heaven)

Take me home, take me home
I know another place to be
Take me home, take me home
You deserve a girl like me

Come on I know somewhere
You can unwind
We can just disappear
Now's the time

Take me home, take me home
Only fair I get my way
Take me home, take me home
Oh, it's gonna happen anyway

I know what's good for you
Don't pass me by
I will look after you
You'll be fine

I'm in heaven, I'll show you heaven
It's so much heaven

Let's make a move
Let's leave this world behind
I know you approve
By the look in your eyes

I'm in heaven, I'll show you heaven
It's so much heaven

Take me home, take me home
And I will show you where to walk
Take me home, take me home
Baby let the people talk

We'll get away from here
I'm reading your mind
We can just disappear
Now's the time

I'm in heaven, I'll show you heaven
Take me home
Oh take me home
Take me home

In this moment
One night with you
All alone
With nothing to lose

Let's make a move
Let's leave this world behind
I know you approve
By the look in your eyes

I'm in heaven, I'll show you heaven
It's so much heaven

Take me home, take me home
Now's the time to follow me
Take me home
Come and let what ought to be

Take me home, take me home (x4).

Letting go. What fuckery. Duck, think about the duck Trace. Quackity quack.

Oops. Happy belated birthday to my blog. November 23rd last year he was established. I was really wondering..but was too lazy to check archives. Someone did...and read all too. Heck! Job well done. Admiration and so forth. Wow. I'm not even sure if I would have been able to stomach such. So many issues. Look at the time. Mom brought me caf� au lait again, so I'm awake...though surprisingly beause it usually sends me straight too sleep.

Right - the fish is alive. I barely see him...My cousins have this awesome aquarium - saw it on Sunday. Real pretty fishies...no don't ask me names for I know not such technicalities. It's all puuurrty. They're spending a mint on accessories and food and all that fun stuff. Hmm. Is that a boy thing? Oh well...I was never a pet person.

Bah! I cannot sleep. Dammit.

I am overwhelmed with joy. Rav got the job and is heading for Cali very soon, which would mean me needing to switch over very soon. I'm just really happy for Rav...finally! We have an Oracle man here guys. Swweeeetttt! Congrats dearest!

Let's see. So I'm supposed to be researching prices on A+ and or CIW courses. Uh huh. I notice hardly anyone's publishing prices. Wonder why. Tsk. Ah well maybe because they're so bloody expensive! *grumble*

I'm now MUDding thanks to Rory. Oh boy. Newfound distraction. Haha! Oh boy...another addiction. My my Trace...to think you abandoned it a few years back when there was the local MUD. Ah well. Moving.

Tonight I got a few things done. A couple e-mails I was trying to send for hours and hours. Uh huh. Toggling about 4 or 5 chats at one time...e-mail, wanting to blog, read news, everything... Still have shit left to complete. Ergh!!!

Yesterday we were plagued with a (mostly) national power outage. Lovely! The news is saying 2 hours. My ass. At least I was sleeping for most of it... "burst conductor". Mmm hmm. I have that much faith in the people who run this country...to the ground really. That was pretty irritating. Let's see what goes on from here.

Stef. Oh boy. I just wonder though. Do you leave people alone in this state or try to talk to them? I'll do whichever he prefers..which seems to be...stay away from me.. kinda thing. I'm always here to vent at.

Stac is depressed too. :( At leastwe go in rotation. I'm alright for now. When they're uppity I'm down and out. Argh.

We'll be doing what Stace? Hahaha. Driving. Oh my... it comes up again. That which I hate. Bah. Suppose if I practised more it would help ... I'll be such a road hog..oh boy. I'm figuring it's still a good idea to keep me off the streets so I'll not hurt anyone...I'm cursing way too much as it is...and I'm sure it can get worse. Dars wants to wash my mouth with soap. Bah!

Mom's awake and looking to cook..sheesh. Sleeptime.

*wave @ Rory who is only now checking my blog* Bah!

I am still awake. Geezus. Time flies... I got carried away on mIRC with the old folks from there. Those were the days indeed.

Trace is sleep-typing.

Thank you Stac. My re-insertion into the French matrix. La radio fran�aise. Bon.

I went to this Bingo yesterday. Good grief - it failed miserably. The last one I got dragged to was smaller, more fun, and I actually won stuff. Bah this time was LONG and booorinng and too many nasty people. I had my cousin around which was cool. Thank goodness.

Woo sleep. *lunges for bed*

The roads are way too scary. My friends are getting into more and more accidents. Jeezus Christ. I am not ready to let go of any of them. Yet another reason not to drive/stay home. You can't be holed up heck no. Faith indeed. Protect us all...

Am..very..very..sleepy.

Summary of evening.
West Mall.
Pretty things, no money.
Met up people haven't seen in long time.
Must lime with people westside - I miss it a lot. Those were the days...

Be a duck be a duck sooo be a duck Trace. You must be the duck.

I think I can I think I can dammit.
Ah hell.

Where is everyone? Dammit to hellll.

Another early morning. What am I doing eh? Uhmmm. Secret. ;)

Watched The Patriot. Depressing as heck with a happyish ending. Good nuff for the 3 hour pull.

At this hour I'm too weary to write. Complete with the distraction of a chat that...well has taken me thorugh to this hour I shall be unable to complete my duty and comment on the crap that's been going on...or the good as it may be.

To other things.

Stace : lol@couple in the making. Oh heck no. He be takennn. *shrug* Not my type for some reason. He orrite. Friend material. Sour grapes cause you to see the tiniest flaw and exponentially increase the cons to any slight hint of attraction.
Peacemaking : there's so much you can do and no more. Bah I hate those things, but it's their problem not yours.

Trace needs chocolate. (No she is not horny (relatively) unlike what some people think...who happen to be doubly horny) All that.

Put d lime in d coconut!!!

Dedicated to those who cannot let go. To death.

This was Wednesday. On my way out...to chill. Bright sunshiney day, the breeze tugging at my umbrella while I'm walking down the road to take a taxi. Honk! Taxi pulls up and I hop in. Middle aged to elderly woman sitting in the front passenger seat. She's prattling about something or the other. Old people. Tsk. Bitching about this and that. I start listening because she's loud enough to be heard clearly, and her voice has this tone of frustration and earnest.

Something about..."he left me in debt...I'm not paying those drinking bills". The adoption papers, the hassle of court, the hassle of the police station. They didn't want her to see the car. She protested. Finally I suppose her insistence paid off - the took her to see it. Crumpled, shattered, blood all over. She broke down of course - it was her husband. She wakes up and thinks that maybe he'll be there. The shattering reality that he will never be. After so many years together. So suddenly, leaving everything in disorder around her. She says it's harder every day. She's knows she's wrong, she knows she must let go, but can't.
"I know he's gone but I can't come to terms with it" "I can't believe I won't see him again".
Ouch. Indeed.

I get out at my stop and move along to the rest of my day.

Tonight was spent trying to help people...especially one person...who I love dearly, despite everything. I would have done more but I'm so tired (doing what?). It's already after 2. There goes my plan to get my body clock in order. Back aching...needing massage. I haven't even listened to the mp3's I got from last night. Dammit.

I woke up, watched tv, 2 movies. Yes that's where my day went. Miss Congeniality and Pay It Forward. Cool movies indeed. One funny and cute, reminded me of me, the other, sad as hell, guilt-trippin, tearful. Ugh. Baby sleepy. *poof*

Downloading too much. Net slowed to a crawl. Site not working. Bah :(

I slept today, and going to do some more of it now. At least the Christmas tree is up and looking prettier with the lights that now adorn it. Now to decorate. How? Ugh. Who knows. Mom gets in a fluff about it. Joy to the world.

Sleep will be early tonight.

More music :
Amber - Sexual - Ministry of Sound Afterlife remix
Trance Megamix - (Sandstorm Vs Blow Your Mind Vs Zombie Nation Vs Blade Techno Opener) �
Fragma - Toca Me Extended mix
Fragma - Toca's Miracle - club mix
Shakira - Whenever Wherever
LoFidelity Allstars - Battleflag - full version
ATB - Push Seb Fontaine remix
Des'ree - Kissing You
Face To Face - I Won't Lie Down
ATC - Around The World club mix
Sneaker Pimps - Spin Spin Sugar
Annie Lennox -Love Song for a Vampire
Ottmar Liebert - Snake Charmer
BT - Dreaming - Libra mix
Fiona Apple - Shadowboxer

I am yet awake. The sleep disappeared. Talking talking talking. Ways. Wow.

Shit.
Happy Belated Birthday Shu! Knew I was forgetting people. Frig!

This would be me being very tired. Exhausted even. *looks at bed* Yummeee.
*yawn*
Frig. No Lord of the Rings yet. Was out all day...

Things to do :
Revise and polish French and Spanish
Start German, maybe Latin.
Start Karate/Latin Dancing/both.
Learn millions of proggies.
Fix everyone's goddamn website and computers respectively - and mine though that will be Nigel's job. Hopefully.
Revamp my website.
Start reading LOTR, WOT series, Narnia chronicles, Katharine Kerr series (if available), Como Agua Para Chocolate (espa�ol), various French lit books.
Study the i-Net+ and A+ bookies I have. Joy.
Get a job so as to get money so as to get out of here.

Last but not least : Sleep *poofies*

Hmm my first frying of cables today. Very good Trace you're a fucking destroyer of all things good and functioning. Don't ask. I'm very ashamed. I thought I was doing it right dammit. I really did. I was dead wrong. Now I would be needing someone to fix my cousin's computer. I am sooo going to get flamed for this. When whoever sees this they'll be like..what the FUCK were you thinking?! I am going to get killed for goddamn sure. Leave me alone. Bah!

*dies*

Playlist would be including :

Paul Oakenfold - BT - Loving You More - Oakenfold & Osbourne mix
Becca - You Make Me Feel
Cher - The Music's No Good Without You
Craig David - Come Together
No Doubt - Hey Baby
John Lennon - Julia
Darude vs Robert Miles - Children of the Sandstorm
DJ Kazun - ATB vs ATC - Around The World
Fragma - Toca Me - Paul Oakenfold mix
Fragma vs Coco - Coco Me - bootleg remix
Bob Marley - Sun Is Shining - ATB Club mix
Shaft - Mambo Italiano
Bomfunk's MC's - Freestyler
Anggun - Broken Dream
Static X - Black and White

Lots more downloading. I'm deep into these remixes and rare stuffz. I also want every trance electronica jungle drum rave dance club house mp3 that Justin owns. I've been going through his list going stark raving mad. That's only for techno eh! Argh...The rest the rest I need I want. Bah. I'm an mp3 wh0re.

So tonight I decided to try to blog properly.

It's already after 11, and I know all too well how distracted I'm going to end up. See modem tweaking with Steph. Lord.

Lyrics of the day - Tenth Planet - Ghosts.

But I'm feeling nervous
now I find myself alone
the simple life's no longer there
Once I was so sure
now the doubt inside my mind
comes and goes but leads nowhere

Just when I think I'm winning
when I've broken every door
the ghosts of my life, they�re wilder - than before.

When you think things are lookin up something comes to just clobber you in the knees. Ah. These tests. I should be thankful indeed I really should.

Star Wars? Ergh. I'm not a big fan cuz? The linkys to the books are there now on talk. I really should start reading shouldn't I? I shall I have it there...open...just to start. Been distracted all night.

Craig David is damn hot. Woo hoo! I saw part of this concert, a Tribute to John Lennon through Words and Music. Lovely indeed. Craig's performance was awesome. Sean Lennon is a fag. Julia is a damn good song which he sorta spoilt with his less than groovy voice.

Heck I'm sleepy. I get too tired before I can blog properly! Grr.

Hehe Stace. It's fun. I sorta embrace all the pain money can't buy. I find comfort in people I suppose, who've got things to say, advice and support to give. I do love all of you. Something about being the only child I suppose. Loneliness is...something you live with and strive to "correct" by being overly social. But then it could be the deadly mother/Sagittarian socialite/unique personality combo.
Miss Planet? Yikes! *snicker*

Anggun is good. Very very good. Have I said this before?

Need sleep quite possibly.

One of the few people who helped cheer me up tonight. Ed! Surprisingly so. With some shoe analogy tennis (I'll get to it), and I suppose general positive outlook, that helped. Alot. My chic friends were a great support as well. Dars who is...hmm disapproving of that fact that I am having trouble letting go (but hey she doesn't know!), and Stac, who's forever my stalwart, oh and Stef who I pour everything out to, who's not afraid to say - fuck you, and who I'm not afraid to retort - would ya? He's not a chic but...close enough. Oh boy I'm gonna get flamed for that one :) He knows what I mean. I hope.
He's gone to see Harry Potter tonight. It's opening here on my birthday...yes that would be next month...he however has forgotten the date. Bah!

Men are shoes
This is what I'm led to believe. Therefore we girls would be feet. We love shoes so much. So we go shopping for shoes right. Different styles, maybe the same store, different colours. We break them in, use them till their soles are worn, throw them out, go to the store and start again. Shoes don't have those emotion things, they're not really alive. We as feet have nerve endings, warm oxygenated blood, therefore we end up having emotion things. Shoes and feet need each other indeed, for one would be incomplete without the other. Feet tend to be clingy, though they tend to sweat in some shoes, and get all stinky. Some feet are naturally stinky though.

On the topic of old shoes. They tend to be very comfortable. Soles worn paper thin. Big smiley relaxed faces. Comfort. Indeed. They could be restored sometimes to a dull shimmer, and some have to be thrown out. I love shoes. I'm picky though, I shop at about oh, one store. Not just any shoe can fit me, and be to my liking. When you buy the shoe and realise it's as uncomfortable as heck after all, or has got some flaw, you can either try to break it in, or wear it with the flaw, hoping no one will notice.

All that and a bottle of shoe polish.

I cleaned my room today. Very tiring it was, so I shall retire now. I think it was best I did not go to the lan party. I got ice cream this evening. Very good for the happy endorphins. Whiskey and Valium were recommended by shoeboy. Heh :)

Stupid fucking emotions. Who needs them? Fuckery to infinity. I need to clear my head, make sure my eyes don't stay puffy and get out of here tonight. Really need to. I just made myself more of the idiot that I am, pouring every last feeling...to what end? God only knows. I wonder what the fuck kind of impact it makes. If people really understand the hurt. If he understands. Last iota of feeling. What the hell does it matter anymore? Makes you feel like giving up hope for love ever in your entire life. It does fucking exist bitter bitches. It so does. You just can't give up.
Fuck.
Stop counting the instances of the word fuck in this post ok. It's uhm...another story.

I'm calmer. I've stopped crying. This would be a good thing. Talking to people helps quite a bit though. I should go make some calls.

I love my anti-virus. That is, unless this thing some asshole sent has some sort of secret worm thingy. People please check your e-mail and make sure there's nothing from me. Note : I have not sent any e-mail. It's a PE_MAGISTR.B virus I received, deleted promptly, and sent a cuss letter to the sender. Apparently Dev knows the character too. Imagine that. So I'm not quite sure what's his story... We'll see if the cretin replies. Scan scan scan...over and over. Paranoia is a heck of a thing.

Ways. Stace. This is scarily true. Holy shit. Everybody try the Colorgenics thingy. All your different roles indeed. Mmm. Fun.
Profound stuff creeps up into your head while you're depressed too. Arthur always says that the best comes from an artist in times of depression. It's usually true... mine would be where? I guess I'm too happy?

I have been drawing. Very little, but drawing all the same. Let me get back to fine arts. The energy to pick up that brush, let my oils speak. I sorta miss it I suppose. I'm too much of a perfectionist though. I hate that. I'd like to be blind to the perfection that I so yearn for. Course then there's this little quote : "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." ~Harriet Braiker, 'The Type E Woman,' 1986
Bah.

That Colorgenics thing scared me.

It's raining, it's pouring. Lovely weather to be at home...in bed...preferably not alone, but who's counting. Well I am home, cuddled...in the warm sultry light of my monitor and a scented candle.

Idleness maximus. Bunny. Stefan's reaction was best. "What the FUCK is this?" I can only imagine the look on his face and the sound of his voice...and I'm cracking the hell up.

They musta been WAY high when they wrote this. It's beautiful though. Half scary. I just had to publish all the lyrics here.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
And she's gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers
That grow so incredibly high

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore
Waiting to take you away
Climb in the back with you head in the clouds
And you're gone

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

Picture yourself on a train in a station
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

What's going on with me you ask? Nothing.

MARRIAGE? Geezus CHRIST! Stace! Agh! Egh! *dies a slow little death at the bottom of the ocean away from evil men* *glub glub*

To think I mentioned settling in the same entry. Ughhhh. Heck I don't believe that. Dammit. *prays*

Uhm Stephen dreamt I was dying...a stab wound or something to the neck and he was trying to save me. This couldn't be a good sign. Eek? I don't believe I died though, but still, sheesh.

Libras all over continue to be consummate bastards. Kev is in his strange bitch/pms mood. Latinobitch. Uh huh. Moving along. dry? *stewps* Me? Settle-able. He gives me 6 years tops. Oh help! Rav thinks this as well. Dammit to all hellfires. I need to switch to player status. Heck.

Ian's dad got a stroke yesterday so the whole Divali thing ended up really quiet and generally weird/solemn. The poor boy is in a mess. :( I got curry and goodies and more goodies from where mom and dad went.

I'm DEAD tired.

*poof*

So Jus changed my goddamn topic.

Meanwhile. I am being oddly attracted to the temporary profession of bartending. Just another thing to do some time in my life. Strange. Though I mean those bartenders at the Island Club Casino are kinda cute... Moving. Course even if I do the course (much to the annoyance of my parents), and I happen to get a job, I'm certain it'd be at night...in a bar...hah! Imagine the opposition.

I still wanna move out.

"somehow sexual gratification without emotional strings/baggage attached appeals to me"

Let's see how this does on the talk ;) Jus? Stef? :)

Happy Divali to one and all!

Stef heheh. You know ... Sulley in Monsters Inc. which I must see by the way, is big and hairy - but he's not a bitch. He's purty. Poor you and econ. I do pity you.

I like toys. I like Snoopy. I love Gund. Gotta get a Gund. These are the greatest bears in the world man. Excuse my temporary (?) look at this stuff but I'm just in a mood again ok. I need a hug. Since I can't get a human one, I'll have to salt with the stuffed kind of love hug...the fuzzy soft kind...the snuggly comfortable kind... Hey maybe those aren't so bad after all.

Hey how can you NOT love this baby? His name is Schatzi.


dry. ugh ok ugh!

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day"

"Before i let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand"

"Farewell peace of mind kiss goodbye to reason
Up is down the impossible occurs each day
This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me"

"We stumble in a tangled web, decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid, all hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes."

Guilt? Lonely? Pathetic? Moody. Generally...
Don't understand what's going on. Still. Am I wrong? I await the divine answers...
I shouldn't really care but I do. I so do.
Dammit.
I am not a duck. I cannot allow this to fall away from me.

He called yesterday much to my utter amazement.
So I fucked things up. A lot. On the other hand these things happen for reasons. I'm surviving.

I have decided that Jane Eyre is a beautiful story and is one of my favourites. I like those old English love stories somehow. Perhaps I am drawn to it because of my upbringing, the influences of English books period. There was Enid Blyton...the hundreds of those devoured within a few years, before moving on to the other teenylike ones. Then came the adult English authors as well. Agatha Christie, Dick Francis are the ones I remember now...haven't read any of those in a long time though. I really should start back reading. I'm reading networking now. Wonderful...

I need to be in Europe.

Quote from he Vox : "What is particularly silly and perplexing is the current trend of christening any and every party as a Rave, regardless of what type of music is being played or the rationale behind the gathering. This is about as sensible as a baker calling every type of pastry bread." Ent. Sheesh! Well look at that I didn't know there was a Trini Electronica band. I need to be finding out a bit more about this. Can anyone help? They're called Atheleny.

Apparently the Quad place is not a restaurant - pool place with 4 tables and a bar with normal prices and hell to get a table. Fire.

Big power outage last night caused me to be tossing and turning in my bed early o' clock. I was antsy for a game. I'm addicted. This is bad. I close my eyes and think about fragging someone on DM17 with my rocket launcher...bouncing to the next level...oh boy. I didn't even get warmed up yesterday and they booted us off. Ah well next time for sure..but then, I'll get my ass kicked :( *run* For dry - there's this sign coming up on the Southern Main Rd, a blue neon light - a restaurant La Luna Azul - from far reminds me of Quad damage. Scary huh?

Tis all for now. Apples are good. Adios.

UGH Stace. "You can think what you want. People can say what they want. All I know is that when I'm with you my life becomes less complicated. And I feel complete. You don't need to love me back right now, loving you is enough for me." He said that to you? Wow. I've gotten stuff somewhat familiar I suppose. Hook line and sinker? Not always. To think - all in the effort to get laid. They would say it more often, but then they'd be lying most of the time. All they really want to say is "fuck me".

I suppose it's kinda strange. One minute you can be oh so enamoured, the other pissed off and bitter, or both all at once. Yikes.

On another note : "Casual sex is an acquired skill, so be prepared because it seems that more and more women are beginning to acquire it." Hahahaha. Oh boy. I shall behave with this one.

Ah. "The undercurrent exists. She knows it. I know it. Yet we remain silent." This all the fun Stef. See...when you get old and decrepit and married - where would that be? I shall speak more on the subject later though. It's all about what exactly you want - which is always fluctuating indeed...
I must depart however!

I saw the ex?s.o.'s best friend today. We spoke. Interesting. He was oh so shocked at the turn of events, and provided no insight, though he did mention that it was strange. Not like he would know much apparently. Good frigging lord. Couples. Bah. Singles. A girl friend was overjoyed to hear about it - she was like 'well we'll all be single together'. Me and my small talk fogies...and whoever else who is salting a bit.



Where have all the cowboys gone? Thing look bleak - very very bleak. No prospects no nothing.

Boring people suck. I talk too much and am non-interesting at times. *bangs head on desk* Uncomfortable feelings, those silences within your heart. It's late...sleep required.

Trace continues to be doomed for the while.

Hahah everyone left me! I saw Keisha alone. Dara went home - the bastard. I was there maybe till after 6 actually. You prolly would have caught me. I was hanging with...endless numbers of people anyways so I wasn't alone. I'll be there tomorrow afternoon again..till when I do not know. I need female challengers for tomorrow's tourney. I also would be needing skill. Bah. Stace? What do you play again?

Sleep would be good tonight.

Stef - save every goddamn database. Backup everything. Burn off everything. Quickly! Hey at least the bitch is telling you it's gonna die. Dammit. You poor baby. Nice site.
Nice guys? They come last. The whores will remain the wanted "unattainable" ones. Kinda. Blah.

Stace : Just friends. Infuckingdeedy. Hehe...well, you'd hope that if you were the one putting your emotions out in the rain, and he disappoints you, he'd feel damn guilty. I am proud that you didn't say, drag him along and use his lame ass. You still have a conscience. This is good Stace. :) Today...lime at UWI for me. I do hope I get to see you. I'll be there after lunch and not at 11 as stated in e-mail.

Meanwhile I need to do something with my life. Got this huge lecture this morning. Ah yes I've become lazy and unwilling to try anything for fear of...I don't know. There's all this theory about what I've become - the ambitionless, getting-older-by-the-millisecond bitch. The words which could allow me to want to curl up and die generally. La di dah.

I had lobster this evening. Yes eat your little heart out dry. :P Of course he'll hit me with some smart alec come back. Bah ^10 to him.

Uhm I'm still lacking endless amounts of sleep but it will do. Downloading music - watching it carefully. Talking to too many people, trying to organise for today. Ugh I have to go into UWI. Let's pray and hope I see not certain people.

Trace would be needing to be drugged now.

Where the hell is everyone? Argh. Stef? Stac? Jussy?
Oh sweet Stace - Linux...groovy...I need I need.
Dara wants magic done...and wants to discuss it with me before etc etc...I'll get fed up of her pickiness some time and just do something and fix her up.

My downloads fucked up last night. I cannot believe it! Grr. So I'll have to start all over again...download in parts...bah!

Now off to bed. I just posted that...I'd edited the darn thing....why am I explaining myself. A timing thing I suppose.

Wait correction. Now it's 2:40 and I'm still not sleeping. I have to wait for a download to finish to check something...bah!

It's been a while since I listened to some Sarah.
The quotes with meaning to now, before...etc. It can be a poem too...different lines...intertwined. I have to start writing again.

"Ooh you're working, building a mystery,holding on and holding it in and choosing it so carefully"
"A beautiful fucked up man you're setting up your razor wire shrine"
"Everybody loves you when you're easy, everybody hates you when you're a bore"
"Feels just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground"
"I would be the last to know"
"I won't weigh you down with good intention"
"The yearning to be near you I do what I have to do"
"If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place, I know I can love you better than this"
"It my heart that pounds beneath my chest, it's my mouth that pushes out this breath"
"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of the angel"


Its sadness makes me happy. Stark raving mad is this girl? I'm awake, online, feeling anti social and watching my downloads. I've started back. Got a tonload of stuff in queue. Eeeks. Lemme count how many songs - so far. 71. Lets see how far it gets in 4 hours or thereabouts. I really should sleep I know I know, but Sarah is distracting. Full of Grace is very argh...it's better this way.... Blah. No further comment.

The loneliness gets to you I suppose. Ah yes - you have your friends...they're there for you. I know I know. I spoke to Dars this evening for a while - pretty refreshing.
She thought I was deliriously happy and it was scary. Happy...that's how it's supposed to be. You're supposed to face the trials of life with a smile right? Or turn your cheek? Just bear it and move along. Accept what the fates have to offer. Quoting Stace : "Fate is such a bastard". Hehe.

Ah fuck. The Art Society is inviting submissions for the exhibition. I have no work suitably matted/prepared for hanging. Dammit! I have all day today to paint? I have nothing! Blast. At least nothing good enough...in my eyes...grr. Stupid people. Bastards. I'm too heap to become a scrunting member either way. Painting's still not my thing - anymore. My teacher would frown and say - carry something! Get recognised! I feel so small..against those snotty assholes. I can't stand being around them. Them and their society, their clique, the socialite bastards. To think artists could be so asinine.

Off to bed. Argh why has my download gone so painfully slow? :(

I'm sleepy.
I had to help out with computer troubles. Me...imagine that. The very little I know, helping to a great extent placate the owner of a new pc, who got a doozy kinda deal.

An official month before my birthday. I'll be an..adult...officially. Joy. Good and bad I suppose. I do believe I remember blogging on this exact date a year ago. Hmm scary.

Last night I was up talking to this new acquaintance who saw through me like a sparkly clean window. That was strange I say. Very odd indeed. So right we ended up talking and talking, for a pretty long time. Maturity vs youthfulness came up. I've stated this before...no matter how old and decrepit I may get my youthful soul shall remain dammit!
Maturity being able to deal with stuff in life. Youthfulness being able to deal with stuff in life happily. My idea of happiness? Being able to deal with shit in life with a smile on my face and well uhm..fishes to be your psychiatrists.

On that note. Did I mention mom wants me to put away my toys? *sigh* All the bears and bunnies etc. gathering dust have to be cleaned and bagged and put into storage. :( When will I get around to that pray tell? The room alao needs a grand overhaul. That will cause me to want to redecorate...which I shouldn't...and in cleaning etc I will get distracted and it will never get done. ARGH! Good grief. Redecoration needed - badly.

I just changed those damn time things. Must republish now. Let's see if it worked.

I am still awake. Let's see if I can make a blog in less than 3 minutes. Ugh 2 minutes. Dammit.

Modjo - Lady is playing. Mood? Hmm.

I'll go check on the fish - (where the hell is he?) before I sleep.
*yawn* I think there was more to say, but I just need my bed now. Time's almost up.

So I am single. Or spaced...something to that effect. He has not quite figured it out yet. So anyways. Moving as we say.
I'm not wailing or stamping on the ground for some reason. I feel this calm. Interesting. He says he's stressed...still and "in the same fucked up situation". Mais je ne sais pas. Tsk.
Stac and I had a little chat last night. She would remember me saying some stuff :) So I shall e-mail you chiquita.

My mother is going to kill Osama - dad and I are convinced. Oh boy.
Dad almost has a cow when he gets home :
D: Dem people dunno what they did giving that to you! Those things like live food. Don't leave it in the kitchen
Me chiming in : He's gonna get fried.
D: How are you going to change the water?
M: I saw my friend do it it's easssy
D: Right
M: So I'm thinking about an aquarium
D: I think not...you never mind a flippin ...anything before...now you have a fish. Lord.

So the saga continues. I hope Ossie lives at least for a week I need a companion in the wake of my devastating breakup/space up. *faints*

Oh I didn't realise he's a baby. I do believe he is a betta splendens in layman's terms, a Siamese fighter. Kewl!!!

Well la di dah. Let me be the one who needs to hide. Though...I don't see the point. At all.

So I ended up quite the t.v. watcher this morning. From E.R. (10 ccs stat R 22 etc etc). A Wedding Story. *sob* Phone calls - too many - awoke me out of my lovely slumber.

Just now mom comes home. With a fish. Yes people a fish. A pet fish. I see the woman walking into the yard. As far as my myopic eyes can see she's holding a clear plastic bag filled with water. I know these usually hold live pet fishes. Hmmm. I dared to ask :

Me: What is in that bag?
Mom : A fish
Me: EH? What are you going to do with a fish?
Mom: He's nice
Me: What are you going to do with a fish?
Mom : I dunno he's a fighter fish...his name is Fitzroy
Me : What are you going to do with a fish?

So after a while, calming from the shock of the thought of an actual pet in the house, I go outside to see the thing not expecting anything spectac. He's alright though. Pretty with blue and red - pic upcoming - when I finish that roll (yes indeed film..oh the bane).

Me : I hate that name let's change it
Mom : To what?
Me : Osama? (After some debate) Ok Ozzie. Ossie...Ozzie...Osbourne...something to that effect. Double entendre etc.

So I'm here looking for the thing's biological name. Being the unfish expert, I don't know why the hell kind of fish it is...wait till dad gets home. He'll know. Then I'll change his name again. For now I give up! Argh! Hes not an Oscar and he's not a Siamese fighter - but some sort of fighter. Grrrrr. The people who are selling it don't even know. At least mom got it as a present.

Maybe this is fitting distraction? Whoa.
Trace will find comfort in a pet fishy and will most likely talk to it. She has so arrived.
Goddamn.

Love? But not in love?
When do you start being in love? Is it the euphoria that causes this phenomenon? Where's the line? What is "in love"?
Heck. I have not a clue.

Would he read my blog ever again? I suppose I may say some stuff in anger that come out badly. Ah well. Fuck me over. I'm doomed.

I love you Stac! Feel better please.

Geezus hell this Jello's sweet. Mom insisted that I have some...

Oh Stace. Falling for him eh? *snigger* Ah verily I say, it happens most to we who are the pickiest. Impossible you say? Mais non. Falling for all the "wrong" ones. As always.

"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?"

I am being ignored. Righto.

I've never slept this much since uh...I've never slept this much. Body very very weak. I love my mommy. I called for her this morning, after groaning, doubled up in pain for hours trying to be the least bit whiny and trying to take the pain like a man...woman...whatever... "Mommeeeee" "Baby?" A lot of attention/medication/care ensued. *groan groan* Bah.

*falls asleep for the gazillionth time* Gravol is a helluvathing.

To find myself under the layers of exponentially increasing bitterness and aggressiveness. Je cherche les r�ponses.
This phase I'm going through. How long will it last?
I've found a somewhat proverbial AskWomen.com at iVillage. Not the same though - too many stupid tests and stuff.

Stef's evil - he didn't go through my blog archives. I wonder if anyone does.
Stace - bah @ rumour bitch chic. Don't worry about it too much...she'll burn.

After sleeping for most of the day, I wonder if I'll be able to sleep now.

"I guarantee that we'll have tough times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart -- you're the only one for me". ~ Quote from Runaway Bride

I just blogged that for safe keeping...in case I lose it elsewhere.

Uhm. So. I didn't misinterpret.
Trace stays very calm.

I'm not even bothering. Really. I wanted to have him killed...now...well...I'm just way too mellow. I do have a life to live - out of prison, sans embarrassment.

Excerpts from the end of a short icey ICQ message thread :

Me : Where do we stand?
Him : I dunno
Me: Well figure it out and let me know alright
/end

Soooo, what shall I be doing this week? I'm ducking U.W.I. Campus like the plague. They haven't seen me. I'm supposed to go help the girl. Blah.
I'm also supposed to hang with Ryan some time so I suppose I'll give him a call some time head down there and chill. He spoke of the niceities of being out of his house. I only am wishing. That would have been one of the premiere things about going away.

On one hand losing the comforts of mommy and daddy. I suppose you get used to it. I would. The cooking ... ah well a chance to appear anoerexic indeed.
I have nothing to talk about. I'm rambling. Lemme stop.

Apparently I have a little bug or virus - whatever. No not computerwise. I woke up this morning with fever and a bad headache. I've slept for maybe half day and about to sleep again. Ugh. *mumbles something about white blood cells*

I called Ryan earlier. I can't remember the last time I actually called someone...like...other than the usual oh..one person. That was refreshing indeed. I should do that more often. Anyways.

Ugh I feel nauseous. *looks @ bed lovingly*

"...why are you even bothering?"
On my way, on my way.
Last night was a definite mess. Time to clean house.

If he didn't mean what I thought he meant, he's got a chance for survival.

I'm doubled over in pain. Gas pain? This is one of the times I swear I'll die.
I feel almost like...Like Water For Chocolate. My stomach in tune with my soul. Disturbed indeed. Well not exactly like the story..but I'm in a strange poetic kind of mood. Or whatever.

What the fuck? I don't believe what he said...maybe I interpreted it wrongly. I really do wonder you know. If he meant what I thought he did, right now, I'd like to bash his fucking head in. And you guys wonder why women go fucking psycho. *sigh* Wasted words? I wonder you know. I really do. Maybe it's an experiment in self torture.

Ugh.

*yawn n looks around*
Hmm. Ok then. No movement.

I've lost all will to blog.

Tonight the cemetary looked so beautiful. The first time I've ever seen so many candles lighting up the entire place. Wow! I couldn't go to take pics :(
There has been a gorgeous full moon about as well. Ahh the combo ina pic would rock on but oh well.

*lights candle*

*bursts out laughing* Men...bodies...lol!

Once again in B.C. Pires stylin, the article rocks on. Ahh the wonders of journalism.

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work
with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should
leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms
of those who work with joy." ~ Kahlil Gibran

I have this friggin pimple..or something on my face - pissing me the heck off because it's one of those that hurt - dammit.
When you're in pain it's harder to concentrate.

I was up really early, then somehow fell back into the sweet serenity of sleep and dreamt about people trying to kill me. Really. Is that fcked or what? The weirdest thing was the dream about a design. What I aspire to - the ultimate design, the design that will revolutionize the world. Ok...not quite, but that design was groovy shit. I've dreamt about music I've never heard, words I've never written, people I've never seen, and can't help wonder if they are real...parallel universes? Brr. There we get all complex.

I wake up and get dropped back splat into the reality that is. The phone call I have to make. Not knowing what to say. Thinking about the reaction which I fear. I'll chicken out on it. I'm seeing myself going in this horribly vicious - more vicious than ever cycle. It's my fault after all for being so weak, for being influenced by everyone and everything.
Tired of the bullshit. Too much backspacing in this blog.

Trace must get o u t o f h o u s e.

Hmm this looks cool. Ben's participating. Let's see how that goes!

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, befuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play... ~ DMB

Uhm. I had stuff to say. I got confused somewhere inbetween. Can't think much anymore.
Apparently that post "should never have been there". *points down to whoopeedoo blog* Alas I cannot take it back. I won't. Excuse me for overreacting and feeling more than generously ignored at the moment. Excuses for such behaviour? None.

Trace continues to be unsure what the HELL to do.

But the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow.

When you're there but you're really not
When you sleep without a fear in the world
other than yourself
Can I make the rain fall
to hide my tears? ~

I hate hypocrites. But that's off topic.

He just left after reading blogs. Dandy. This is what I get for expressing how I feel. Should I call? *sigh*

Stace! Hahahaa. Yes Dars is all for it - definitely. She mentioned something about leaving...curb...something so :) Moving. Hah!

I've given up on trying. Really. Not doing it anymore.
So I call and get brushed off pretty fast - not that I care - less toll on my phone bill. Coulda called back. But no. "I'll call you when I get home". LOL. Right-o. I'll wait for that to happen sometime when someone's feeling horny. Whoopeefcukingdoodah. Course by that time I'll be more than distracted and won't want to hear it.

Then you wonder why I am evil, you wonder why I have no faith anymore, you wonder why I'll never be the same. You wonder why there's nagging and bitching, when you are the selfish asshole.

Trace continues to be a non-believer bitch.

Happy Birthday Wrecker!!!

Rabbit rabbit Bah phone rang.

I awoke out of slumber around 8 ...or before. Yay!