Listening to Mikey's show on 95. Some little chic who's singing... just slightly annoying. Lol for a HNC chic with a slight accent, the pronunciation of especially is eckspecially disturbing. Excuse me while I pick up the itsy bitsy things. Sheesh. It's disgusting I know.

I'm worried (unnecessarily as usual), that I'm not cut out for a radio job. So I'm jumping to premature conclusions, and I'm a silly wabbit, but, I'm just thinking, I have no energy, I have no words of inspirational wisdom to offer a population - yet. How do I develop that? How do I go an put on this nice happy little persona - not that it has to be bubbly always, but should always serve public need. Wonderful. I think my voice is flat and uninteresting. Egads. Time to call my cousin.

Sooo apparently my whole ability to attract ugly boys has not gone away. *sigh* The "gay" guy in class apparently is "very attracted to" me. Ok, so, all I need now is for a hot guy to be attracted to me. That would work. Yes it would. Pref straight - really really. I'm so fed up.

Russell was idle in work and answered the questioner too. Rofl. *waves @ him* Is anyone answering again? Damn Stef - do 10 questions a night. I'd like a nice big compilation of answers - a database, so I can just choose which one to use :)

An 1152 x 864 res is harsh on a 15". Oh well. More fun for me...and I have to wear my glasses...somehow it's more glary or something.

I had weird dreams earlier tonight. I dreamt about my cousin who I never see, a digital camera (oh yeh subliminally wanting it so bad), and something about an island - or is that a strange continuation/repeat of another dream. Weirdddd. Dammit.
I should be doing work now, so I'll end this rant of nothing now, save you the trouble, go write stuff, go design stuff. I keep forgetting that I have to wake up early. I decided against an all-nighter considering I have gym tomorrow. I think I'll go a little later though.

Ok my Elf name is Malglamiel. My Dwarf name is Tr�r Cloudmouth. My second hobbit name is Gilly Muddyfoot from Grindwall.
Geezus.

Went to the last showing of FOTR tonight, with Dirk and Stace. Cool. We talked through most of it really - were on the verge of being cursed :) I think.
Sam is gay...more gay every time I see the damn movie. All I can think of is strawberry bubblebath.

Chicken Alfredo...after 10, ah yes, my gym instructor will kill me. *shrug* What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Note : do not drink coffee before gym and tell instructor about it. Right. Back to Mr. Alfredo...which was really good. Damn. Merci cheri ;) Good little improv lime. TGIFriday's ruleth!

*in as sexy a voice as possible* Now listening to Masala World 101 fm!

TChee won't work. Someone give me a cool radio persona...name...whatever. No@TChee.

I didn't know how satisfying merging images was until now. I created a new girl out of several images. Groovy!

I have to do a project with my class (it's just 4 of us - say 3 - because that girl does nothing). We have to come up with a product - we have to do ads for it - flyers, posters, logo, tv ad, radio ad, everything. It's got to be something new, innovative, crazyashell, and plausible at the same time. It should target a specific audience, and well we have to present it in a few weeks. Help me with some ideas. I'll take all submissions, as per usual. Imaginations! Mine is working overtime, so I'm blank.

Rather eventful a morning it has been.

Gym was better today. Shoulders and back are currently crying out in pain...ok not that much yet, but they will be soon enough.

Lol. Rav has some groovy answers to the questioner too. I totally cracked up. Stef! Your turn!

I finally got hailed out by Mr Shael on the radio! There's some nationwide search for a female cohost for him - so I will have to send in a demo tape. Wonderful. That'd be fun. Of course considering I have 0 radio experience and I may suck at ad libbing, who knows. :) I gotta practice.

I also got some entertainment reading Bobby's e-mail. Ah yes the boy is crazy.
Great morning, hope class turns out well and not too frustrating. Photoshop 5.5 on a shitty machine sucks.

So, another night, in which nothing has been done. I managed to clear up some space, but not enough (must burn off mp3's). That's just another day. There's just too much to be done. I've managed to download some scripts, and some Photoshop and Illustrator things. *sigh*

Sean scares me...
I can't even recheck my friends' blogs now.
Gym later. Joy.

I still have a headache. Fuck.

LOL more.
Thank you Richard.

(1)what is your full name?
Nelson Mandela. If I'm giving you a fake name, I may as well pick a respected one. I was always told to never give personal information to strangers. And after reading
this, you and me need to be strangers.

(2)what is your exact weight and height? More than a pound, less than a ton. Aren't you interested in me for me? Or are you one of the shallow ones who breathe my
oxygen?

(3)why are (you) so mean?
Dealing with assholes and stalkers will do that to a gal. Not sure what category you fall under as yet.

(4)do think you could be interested in guys u talked to on the phone?
Yes and no. Some guys: yes. You: no. The email confirms it.

(5)do u think question (4) was to long and personal?
I think the fact that you would ask that was gay as hell.

(6)why did u asked if i was gay?
See the previous question.

(7)do u think i sound queer?
Prime stalker material: yes. Gay? Not in the homosexual way. In the other way.

(8)do u think u are beautiful?
What do you think?

(9)do think these questions are getting too personal?
See the previous question. You're descending into gay again.

(10)what do u say to a date,as friends,for awhile sounds
I'm trying to understand your English here. Friends hang out. they don't "date". You need to work on the consistency of the messages you are sending here.

(11)if u say yes or no reply anyway?
OK.

(12)are u intimate with (name of loserboy here)?
NOYDB. For me to know and you to torture yourself with.

(13)do u think we should meet so soon?
Us meeting is of no great import in my life.

(14)what type of music do u listen to?
Music with eight scales. Do to ti and then do again.

(15)do u think i'm asking u these questions to get in your pants?
Your gay is coming out again. You need to see someone about that.

(16)do u think i should of asked that question?
What do you think?

(17)do u have a man? sorry boyfriend!
NOYDB. For me to know and you to torture yourself with.

(18)what's your ethnic background?
I'm a citizen of the planet Earth.

(19)do u think me losing my virginity at an early age makes me stand out?
It makes you sound as if you are still traumatized by the experience and need professional therapy.

(20)personal,dont have to answer, r u still pure?(virgin)
That's for me to know. I don't see you finding out in your future.

(21)what are your hobbies?
It would take your lifetime to even begin to scratch the surface of who I am, and I don't have that kind of time to waste.

(22)what are your likes and dislikes?
See question 21.

(23)do u have any other sibling?
People would never forgive me if I introduced you to them. That includes any members of my family. And if you think I didn't answer your question, it's because you're a
stranger.

(24)did i spell siblings correct?
Tools | Spelling.

(25)are u actually,physically mean?
Why are you asking me this? Does that sort of thing excite you?

(26)are u enjoying this questioner?
You provide entertainment. On the other hand, you breathe my oxygen.

(27)when u finished answering my questions do u have any ques. for me?
To encourage your occasional neural connections? I think not.

(28)u will be offened,but do u watch adult movies?
I watch adults. I watch movies with adults.

(29)do think i should not have asked that question?
What do you think?

Not a question,i just need to know what to expect when i talk to u openly i hope u dont mind.oh,yeah! just four more questions so get ready they might be personal,funny,or
just plain stupid,but what would u expect from me i'm a guy,i ask questions like this,well not all the time.so be a good demon for now and answer o.k.! love (his name),now
that's cute.

(30)what do u think i look like?
Head, two arms two legs, covered in clothes... the usual.

(31)talking to me for the first time,what did u think of me over the cell?


(32)do u think our conversation on the cell got a little weird?


(33)are u gonna print these ques, out and show them to (loserboy)?
to the world, honey.

(34)are u gonna email me back?
You're reading this, aren't you?

*snicker*

LOL *cracking up on floor etc*
Guys this has got to be the kicker for the day.
This was sent to be by the guy I met on the phone yesterday. I told him any questions he had that he could e-mail me. The sucker did. How sweet - or irritating.
N.B. This guy is 22 years old. Have mercy. Oh dear me. My voice is that good? Damn. Go me? *snicker*

(1)what is your full name?
(2)what is your exact weight and height?
(3)why are (you) so mean?
(4)do think you could be interested in guys u talked to on the phone?
(5)do u think question (4) was to long and personal?
(6)why did u asked if i was gay?
(7)do u think i sound queer?
(8)do u think u are beautiful?
(9)do think these questions are getting too personal?
(10)what do u say to a date,as friends,for awhile sounds
(11)if u say yes or no reply anyway?
(12)are u intimate with (name of loserboy here)?
(13)do u think we should meet so soon?
(14)what type of music do u listen to?
(15)do u think i'm asking u these questions to get in your pants?
(16)do u think i should of asked that question?
(17)do u have a man? sorry boyfriend!
(18)what's your ethnic background?
(19)do u think me losing my virginity at an early age makes me stand out?
(20)personal,dont have to answer, r u still pure?(virgin)
(21)what are your hobbies?
(22)what are your likes and dislikes?
(23)do u have any other sibling?
(24)did i spell siblings correct?
(25)are u actually,physically mean?
(26)are u enjoying this questioner?
(27)when u finished answering my questions do u have any ques. for me?
(28)u will be offened,but do u watch adult movies?
(29)do think i should not have asked that question?
Not a question,i just need to know what to expect when i talk to u openly i hope u dont mind.oh,yeah! just four more questions so get ready they might be personal,funny,or just plain stupid,but what would u expect from me i'm a guy,i ask questions like this,well not all the time.so be a good demon for now and answer o.k.! love (his name),now that's cute.
(30)what do u think i look like?
(31)talking to me for the first time,what did u think of me over the cell?
(32)do u think our conversation on the cell got a little weird?
(33)are u gonna print these ques, out and show them to (loserboy)?
(34)are u gonna email me back?

Speacial question.
do u think all these questions i have asked is a joke?and why?
END OF QUESTIONER AWAIT YOURS SOON!!

ROFLMAO. Note the spelling and grammar errors. LOL.
Send in your answers to me nuh. I need to reply with something appropriate. Really really appropriate. Rofl rofl.

In other news, my first day at the gym. It wasn't that great actually, but I'll live. Tomorrow's another day.

Trace is rather amused ... and with headache.

Happy Birthday "Me"!!!

I have to go to the gym in the morning, and it's been over 3 hours, and I've gotten no break from everyone. One person after another. Talk talk.
Finally - a break! Phew!!

Today started out like shit - ended up not-so-bad after all.
I am a drama queen after all. I realised this again about an hour ago. Great.

Some people may find these geekerised sex tips helpful Course I think it's all crap and will send them to loser hell a whole lot quicker.

I still would like to move out - when I get enough money of course. Dammit!

Woman in Chains - Tears for Fears is a very cool song.

I should have blogged this morning, when I was in tears, but somehow I talked it out, and the world was ok. I think.
From this evening I was rather distracted. The phone rang and to my bane, it was loserboy. Joy. So I actually stomached talking to him for a while (dear God what was I thinking? Boredom??) Somehow, I got to talking to a friend of his who was there. Another loser. Please remind me - never deal with an inexperienced guy. Oh boy. That was fun. I tied up his head well and good. *snicker* Maybe that's what has me so...cheerful of sorts.

I was getting trained earlier, in the art of picking up men. That's a whole other story. Aww man. My self confidence is at -10 thankyouverymuch. It'll go up...some time.

Gym. Fun. I need inspiration to keep this up...or is it sleep?

I have 3 million things to do. Photoshop open, then Illustrator, then Flash, then DreamWeaver. Arghity argh!
Rather interesting day indeed. I don't think I've been out this long for quite a while.

The day started with a meeting - which ended up being more like an X-Box/comic lime. Dead or Alive 3 for the X-Box is pretty fuckin impressive if I must say so. Jesum... amazing. I had to endure watching several hours of it. Yes my ass hurt. I hate those damn games...though...hmm..remind me to play it one day - by myself - with no pressure - dammit. Only then maybe I can concentrate enough to actually do something constructive with those buttons.

I keep verbally incriminating myself today.

After that indoor lime, it was moved outside. Physics, light sabers, light, superheroes, comics. Holy fuckin A. Madness. Chris picked me up from there, got myself food, and got by him. I played with his kid sister a bit (she's so cute/fresh/handful!) and waited for Dirk. The group of us, laughing a whole lot (too much for the day for me), got through some recording. We're crazy bitches. Oh boy.
Finaly got home a bit after 11 (dear Lord).
I'm pooped, and I'm staying up - why?

Damion sucks @ blogging.

Stephen still wants to find out every innard of my life and is upset because I don't want to share it with him. *sigh* Steph dear, don't take it personally. The world is not against you, nor am I against you. Your heart is in a most special place, which is most appreciated. Trust is a big deal for me. If one cannot trust oneself, how then is it possible to trust another? C'est magnifique that you are different, and you want to change things. Selfishness is needed at times. Take the soiltude you have by the horns and think things through.
Living. Get to it. Don't worry about anyone but yourself. You're only allowed to worry about me when I'm really in a mess, and even if you don't another will. Take yourself upon your shoulders.

That just drained me. Sleep. Goddamn.

So in my dire boredom tonight I looked at Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Yes people I have arrived. I want my cable dammit!
So I basically spent the last - god knows how long, checking out the rest of the season's episodes They showed the last epi of season 5, where Buffy "dies", so I was curious. I got sucked in with the story. Goddamn.
I'm listening to a mad cool Internet radio station...Radio Salsa! Lovely!

B.C. Pires last column was today. :(

I'm supposed to be working on a long-awaited site. If the owner would just send me what I need...oh well.

Stac e-mailed. Great! Ok so I finished that. I should write another...agh but that requires thoughtfulness, care, emotion. Right now, I'm so not in the mood. I'm in the process of design. The Salsa helps.

Stephen worries me indeed.

Stef - hmm. Freak.

Stace - hehehe.

I'm tired, and I have one long day ahead it's not funny. *yawn* was going to do an all-nighter, but decided against it. Must wake up by 9 I believe.

Why is my mother bothering me again about my non-existent love life?
"Your aunt was right, Saggie women are unlucky in love" , and stuff to the effect of "You don't know how to keep a man". Well excuse me miss fuckin love monkey.
*stewps*
That's why Sasha is on. Loud. This is good for the hour. It's hot, and this has some strange cooling effect, even though it's got an uppity beat. Trance...ahhhh.

Hmm I had this waiting to be posted. Sarah on now. Sorry.

Ira Mathur is groovy.
"There is, in this sliver of time, something of an anniversary - of all passion spent, the "farewell to the flesh," giving way to a deep, quiet, a feeling of smoke spiralling up from a cluster of candles in a dark church, or the sight of the sloping beam, fine moving gold dust filtering in skylight through stained glass windows."

Sleep I need.

Only one person could have brought this to my attention. Trini adult toys. They must be making quite alot with this website...and considering the number of freaks I come across online, on a daily basis...
No I don't want anything, thanks. I cracked up on the message boards. Wtf...! Oh well. *closes window after interesting look through,gasp,laugh*

Toon Boom Studio. Interesting indeed.

I'm more of a man than you are Stef. Wussy! Your legs are sexy though. Hmm Darn. Can we just exchange characters now? Jean hmm. Is she cooler than Scott? Hmm.

Stace blogged yay! Fasting sucks. Yuck @ tofu.

I'm Scott Summers
What X-Men Character are You?

Couldn't help this before I sign out. Good Lord!

*poof*

I'm wondering if Stac is able to sit for more than 5 minutes in one place yet. Hey I emailed. I was good.

Stef's in loooovvvvee.

Ok shitty site of the day.

Toon Boom Studio owns. I'm downloading this now, so this should help. Yay! I hope the learning curve isn't that steep. For the little time I had in front the comp, I was tinkering with Flash. Joy. The actionscript was being a bitch.
I was distracted for the entire evening, because people dropped by..and when they left, there were real dinner guests.

Gym. Right. I must go! Should get a month free. (Yay!) *sigh* It's about time. I am going to die.

Who the hell was it...Dirk? I laughed so much when he said : "God you're such a drama queen". Hahahaha. I suppose I am eh. Hmm.

"you bitch!"

Rofl.

*stifles hilarious sket laughter*
Ok one of my male friends got this one. *snicker* If I name him I may be sliced n diced so...just...guess for now.
*giggle*


Tall, dark, and RUGGEDLY handsome!

Lololol.
Sorry! *muah* :)

*sinks toes in blanky*
It's cold.

So yesterday we started Photoshop in class. Learnt some new stuff I do admit, yet still kicked their asses. I hate how the colour looks, so that will definitely need to get fixed. Thursday for sure. Found out that my work is among the best 2 in the classes. Yay! Suckers. *snicker*
Ok ok. Enough! I still suck I know. Dammit.

This realisation of evermore deepening marination in saltiest of salt water is rather disconcerting, but then again, happiness is overrated right? I'm happy I suppose. Right?

Random question to self : "What do you want?"
I dunno. Fuck. Oh well.

Time for some Cassie Claire.
LOL! I'm gonna get heckled for this.



I love to FROLIC with the elves

So you like the pretty boys. And if there's any boy prettier than the rest, it's Legolas. Sure, he may also be a little girlier than the rest, but that's what you want, right? Smooth, beautiful love-making the way only a woman could do it. Or a really faggy elf.

Lol@Frolic with elves.
Rofl. Ok that made my night.

Ahh. Cool. Anime City. Nice Jus. Now to continue ducking idiot from Genesis, and to actually enjoy the damn shows.

Poddjam eh? Very good. I will be macoing. Finally to see Damion's cussin and not to have to hear a watered down version via Steffy.

Stef. Go him!

This is an e-mail I got earlier today.

At 8.02pm on February 20 this year it will be an historic moment in time. It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.
As the clock ticks over from 8.01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise 20:02, 20/02, 2002.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock - at 10.01am on January 10, 1001.
And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never happen again.

Eenteresting.

"The mind is the master weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance, and where they have hitherto woven ignorance and pain they may now weave enlightenment and happiness." ~ James Allen

Hallo.

*blog*

Navone wrote!
*does little dance*
Course...doubt he checked my pages. Damn.

Dear, and what do you offer after a hard day's work? Mere digital presence? Tsk.

*Blog*

I slept! Haha. That felt great! Another goddamn dream. This is getting ridiculous.

Snippy :
It's a normal day, I'm playing the fool, as usual, with something on the computer. Phone rings. Maybe I know who it is. The music is kinda loud and his voice is strangely soft, too soft. It sounds like he's shy - which isn't really quite normal. I'm straining my ear against the phone. "Huh? Where? Wha? Hold on...lemme turn this down"
He's inviting me to some...thing...trying to hear the fool is hard enough. It is that place where we met? Is this a prologue? Then after he says that it's not now, it's whenever. Right. His voice fades away...and I'm yet confused. What's new?
End snippy

Christ.

Mark is cwazy wabbit.

Half the day gone.
Ok.

*sigh*

Every word you say is like an arrow piercing through what remainder of human flesh I have.

I have to write Stac. I have to write a few people perhaps.

Ilustrator has been open for 2 days. There's one piece sitting there looking at me: glaring really, it's laughing. "You suck!" Work is beyond me at this point. *bangs head on wall*

"So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up, and I'm not blind
I'm just see through faded, super jaded
And out of my mind

Do what you wanna do
Go out and seek your truth
When I'm down and blue
Rather be me than you" ~ Alice In Chains - Heaven Beside You

start snippet

Evening. The lights on the street flickered as the moon made its appearance somewhere up above. I was standing there, rooted on the spot, not sure why, staring down the street. I saw the caf� to my right and the cars parked in front of it. Must have been a Friday or Saturday night. The place was packed and there was no parking space. He rode up on a black shiny bike, and nimbly dismounted, and took off his helmet. Could he have done that more sexily? Goddamn. I stared. My gaze didn't wander from him and he smiled at me with that naughty neat smile that I love so much. That grin made me smile and I walked across the road to meet him.

Fade.
end snippet
That sounded like some really cheesyass romance novel. Yuck I hate those! It's really part of a dream. Nothing juicy happened. Darn. It was beautiful though. I like to see city streets at night, and with the addition of rain or a wet road, it's most appealing. Hmm anyways. Something about aura of a dream...



I smell good! Cool Water is so very yummy. Nigel said I smell good all the time (even if I marinate in salt for 2 days). Uhhm. Ok.

So disenchanted
So annoyed

Mikey Ross' voice is madddd sexy baby. So is he. When I talk about a sexy man...mind, look, voice. Whee!

Mother insists on opening my door - to that nasty flourescent light on the outside...to hand me strange sugarless lemonade...and doesn't close it back. I like my creepy dark room with stereo lights, monitor and glowy yellow lamp light. I hate when these things upset my whole aura.

Flash is open. That's step 1. 1000000 more to go.

Omigod! I just check my Project A blog - pleasant surprise. Nice. Time to start some serious Flash work. Time to get together with the boys and do work. Egads.

By the way, this is the link for the BlogStore if you haven't been there already.
BLOGWHORE. (That's so me)
We Are Blog. Resistance Is Futile.
All Your Blog Are Belong To Us.
Mind The Blog.
Kiss My Blog.
A Legend In My Own Blog.

Very good.

What is YOUR Highschool label?

Eeh Heh.

Some lyrics Kevy pasted to me earlier...which strangely enough are very appropriate. Linkin rules. I hope these lyrics are correct - but they're cool either way.

I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hungry, sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed, while I find a place to rest
I wanna be in another place, I hate when you say you dont understand,
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy, a place for my head

Maybe someday I'll be just like you, and
Step on people like you do and
Run away the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm, used to be strong
Used to be generous, but you should've known
That you'd wear out your welcome
Now you see how quiet it is, all alone

I woke up around 3, wondered why I wanted to get online. Wondered why I didn't stay in my cold bed. Wondered why Adia affects me not anymore. I'm here, and talking to Jase. He disturbs me, and we're taking about depression, anger, despair, knives, guns, death, hatred. Hmm. Lovely.

Building the perfect wall around your heart according to him: you need to lock your feelings away, except for the worst pain and betraylays and the time you hurt the most building your wall...big and strong. And when you're done... paint it with that pain, that rage... so its always there, easy to see so whenver you thinking of doing something stupid like falling for someone...you'll recall that. Here's the part that makes it perfect. When you have it most fresh, cut somewhere, tiny, nothing painful... like a white mark, ... the kind that stays with your forever ( ideally a big fucking scar on your palm so you'd feel it always, but that too much for this level). Then you just do set training...
Watch/ touch the mark and recall the pain. After doing it enough, one glance, and you're back in it.. Memory imprinting...It works...i've done the research...common tool for hypnosis

Here's the deal. My blog/writing will be my scar. My skin's all precious - my foot's already too scarred - and that's enough memory imprinting for lil ol me. This all reinforces the point that artists are at their best when depressed.

I like Rufus Wainwright.

Hey! I'm learning the trade of evil-bitch-chickiness. Hahahaha.Yesterday afternoon was fun. Boring annoying troll (sorry he reminds me of a little troll I have here - who isn't that hideous...but is still a troll...so there): messages asking about my day yesterday and so forth. Told him I was tired. He asked from what. I said hot sex. He was apparently taken aback and asked if I was kidding. Over and over. Muahhahaha! I said no comment. That shut him up well and good. Woo hoo!!
If only it were true. Shifting.

Super Secret Diaries. There's Arwen's diary which is kinda recent. LOL! This continues to be a great fun read.

"Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?"


*crack up*

Blogstickers. V. Good.

Chris Pirillo - Lockergnome TechTV dwar..er guy is such a geek. His wife Gretchen is forever angry with him. I can see why. He tends to be irritating at times.

I stole these from Chris blog. I think they're groovy. Dammit. I need to make a few of these...



Too much fun with Blogstickers.

This is the saddest thing ever.
Life's short. Live it up.
I am still dead against this valentine bullshit. I cursed (as nicely as possible) whoever came up with the crap. It's been a generally crappy day, though after reading Sean's journal I suppose my life isn't that bad...but at least they were happy...at least he is true, at least he loves her. He cries...

I want to do it my way. Fuck.
Sarah McLachlan is suicidal shit....really it is. Even in a dance version.

I'm so sorry for people reading this blog, who care to anymore, because it's full of such bullshit. I find myself writing the most insane, illogical stuff, that I never thought I would. It's a big mess. I know. I'll work it out. These are hard days... I'm trying to please everyone, and when I try to please myself I sink deeper into some dark abyss of ...nothing. Then what?

Clippity clip on convo :
him : "what do you want me to tell you?
you want me to tell you that I'm sorry things are fucked up as they are...
I'm sorry that everyday I have to sit here and watch you hurt...
I'm sorry that I still want to fuck you cause you still turn me on just as much as when were ....

I'm sorry that I love you"

Me : Me too.

him : I'm not.

What the fuck.

Therapeutic this all is. This is a really big joke isn't it? Someone is having a fuck of a good time watching this and laughing.
Excuse me you guys. Again. I cannot say I'm sorry for posting this. After all it's my blog, it's my life. Think what you will of me. I'm an emotional child. I'm fucked up. I don't feel it in my heart to lie to anyone, unlike some people. I don't like sly people. I don't like when people hide the truth - they don't lie, but they don't say. I guess I'm guilty of such sometimes, but hell. I hate it when they run away.

Dirk : Sagittarius women let people walk over them. They're too nice for their own good sometimes.
C'est vrai indeed. It's an inherent quality that I'm not sure I can change...I can try, but it's not guaranteed.
*sigh*
Why am I sorry for being me? It plagues me.
I want to be stronger, less naive, able to move on like a bee to the other flower, oh if only I had not a heart. Someone take it away from me.

Take it all away.

The coldness of the air, it's chillin my toes, and fingers, and it goes hand in hand with... everything. It's numbing, the cold, the pain.

To my friends who care : I love you. I value your input, I know that you love me and look out for my best interests, and suggest things that should be done. Thank you. Being happy is great I suppose. I'm glad you all are...or not as the case may be.

Fun.

That cold empty lonely shitty feeling.

Please....stop fucking sending greetings. I'm not in the mood. As Richard rightly put it, Valentine's is capitalist fuckery. Agreed baby!

Stop it! Stop torturing me with that false love, with false everything. Stop the bullshit!! I need my life back, I need my head. Dammit. Fuck you and your insanity.

These songs and their appropriate lyrics (bah!) :

"No me ames, porque estoy perdido
Porque cambie el mundo, porque es el destino"
...No me ames, para estar muriendo
Dentro de una guerra llena de arrepentimientos ~ Marc Anthony

"Just when I think I�m winning
when I�ve broken every door
the ghosts of my life, they�re wilder than before
...But I�m feeling nervous
now I find myself alone
the simple life�s no longer there
Once I was so sure
now the doubt inside my mind
comes and goes but leads nowhere" ~ Tenth Planet

"Universe inside of your heart,
you gotta let me know,
so you can be free baby,
you wanted it so much and now that it's over
you don't know what you want" ~ Savage Garden

"Take me home, only fair I get my way" ~ Sophie-Ellis Bextor

Rory surprised visited me this evening. Wow indeed. Trying to get info out of me is like getting water out of a rock. I ducked all I could, still didn't say everything. I'm such a bastard that way. He says I'm not a bastard.
I had an abnormally long phone convo with Dirk tonight. (Somehow that keeps happening) We ranted about the fuckery of relationships, of people, Libra hoes, getting caught by parents, Sagittarian women being too nice for their own good, hoish behaviour, everyone sucking salt, and so forth.

It's been a day of introspection, where I ponder about moving on. The response is the same. Don't be a stupid ass. Don't wait. Move the fuck along. I know that much... hell I've always known that, I'd give myself that advice. It's harder than I thought, yet on the other hand, with the right distraction, oh hell yeh I'd be on...and on.
Oh well. As always, I'll remain the same. Grovel if you want it bitches. Of course that t-shirt idea stands... course that would be termed slutty now wouldn't it?
Guys are all willing to be used. Girls aren't. Why? They're termed slutty. *sigh* How stupid.

Uggghhhhhh. I'm tired of couples, I'm tired of love, of relationships, or lack thereof. I've blogged this before but I can't help repeating myself. Tired of hurt, anger, bitterness in everyone around me. Tired of all these damn issues. Grrrrrrrr.

Ohh finally something uplifting!
Happy Chinese New Year!!!

Hmm aww how sweet. Avin sent a V-day card. Aww. I really should send one back, but I can't...I hope he understands my position. I am hating today. Nice card though. Thank you.

Ok now what the fuck is this about? Good Wives Guide? Hello? You must be kidding me. Had to be the chauvinist sexist pig bitch (Bruce - oh yes Rav your friend) to send this. Asshole. I hopefully have scared him off temporarily by saying "Fuck the Bible".
Lightening bound to hit anytime now. *looks around tapping toes*

*mumbles something about work and getting into it to forget about people*

Unhappy V-day to all. Some ass just reminded me of it. How irritating.
This is rather appropriate.

Blogger is eating up all my posts today.
Bad Blogger bad!!!

Darnit!

It is fucking amazing, when you can say exactly what's on your mind. I had the most mind-liberating conversation earlier. In a way. Shows how stupid men are sometimes not to mention shallow, lame and generally....fucking stupid! So jealous, so possessive.Oh my God!!!! What are you going to do? Hahaha. I really wonder. This will be so interesting, I'm amused just by the thought of what could possibly come of the bullshit. Asshole.

Words out feelings in the open. Confusion. Dismay. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Breakthrough. In a way.

Stay With Me Till Dawn was on repeat. Ottmar Liebert kicking in.

I'm saying anything to anyone tonight. I'm not holding back, and know what? I don't care. I really really don't.
I surprised people by saying that I'd hold that guy down. Mr. Pretty gayboy. *points down* Fuck - yes...depending on...situations, I'd make the bastard straight.
Jason said I'm as horny as a man . Apparently I lime with that species too much. This is bad - being that horny? Why? Hey I'm not that horny. I like to gape - don't we all? I don't go grabbing every dick offered because it's free. I have standards. Emotion shit...unfortunately...or not. Bah. I don't know what to think or feel anymore, whether to be ethical, immoral, bastardish, good. Aggghh!!!
Trace is not a slut.

By the way, I'm selling my work. I'll figure out exactly what, concerning prints and so forth later on. I have so many damn things on my plate right now. If anyone wants to buy I'm all ears as to what. I should put up more work soon enough. (Oh dear God give me strength!!). Fun.

That is rapeable ladies.

*hugs radio and computer* Ohh babies!!! I so missed you!!!!

*listens to music loudly*

Mmm! Hooommmee!!! Whheeee!!

Everything But The Girl - Before Today

Ah so let's see. No scoping done. No music played. Half tan gotten. Lots of writing done. Some sketching done. Some camera play. Lots of sleeping done. Boredom indeed.
I'm not that tanproof you bastards. I have one. I'd take a pic, but uhh... the lines are where my camera shouldn't really go.

I see that Stac is alive. That's really good.

Thank you Richard. After a nasty weekend, this is great to come home to. Note : not for guys - maybe for gay guys though. Richard isn't gay. Let me make that clear before he flares up. He's already complained though that my choice of nice abs weren't here nor there. *grumbles under breath* I just thought they were wunnerful so boo! They're all gay. Fuckery really. Two hot guys together all mushy pisses me off - if they're sandwiching me - that's another story....just not touching each other. Ick!

Anyway, back to the drawing board - and literally too. I've got work that'll be coming through my pores in a few minutes.
Sleeptime?
Maybe.

*waves bye @ blog and computer and radio and mp3's*

*sob*

See you Tuesday.

*sob*

Enjoy your weekend people, I'm off!
Just burnt me a cd to hopefully take me through the weekend. It's at times like these I need an mp3 player and a digital camera. Dammit. I'll still try to get some shots with my dinky 35 mm film camera. *sigh* I've also packed some magazines, some paper and a few art supplies, so that should encourage me to do stuff.

I'd post the phone # of the house I'll be at here, but that would be bad. :( I'll be bored. At least only one kiddie will be there. Yay! Hmm my parents are just waiting to leave, but me I'm so comfy, I haven't dressed yet. Nothing. *snicker* I'm sucking up the home vibes.

Amor � fogo que arde sem se ver - love is a fire that burns without being seen. Taken from random post on Noah Grey's blog. How sweet. His work is beautiful really. Photos - *muah*! How come I've never been here before? Ah well. They've got this awesome...aura. I gotta get my digicam soon dammit. Dad hasn't told me a word about it yet - and if I should pursue it. Hmm. :(

Just finished watch the opening of the Winter Olympics. Sweet. Minshall is a god. Sting and Yo Yo Ma are also gods. John Williams too. Oh my goodness!
Gapefest at the parade of nations. The Fijian rep, Laurence Thoms is sweet as hell. I hope the Stace's were watching. Italianos...oh woo! Yummerific. Agggh they don't pictures on the site!!! Not fair!! I can't find any at all. *sniffle*
Trinis have a bobsleigh team. Hehehe. Eenteresting indeed.

I'm just going thru random blogs here. Random little urls. Ravi being his usual self. La la la lightbulb.
Meanwhile, Stephen trying to get somewhere into my soul.

Dammit, my last blog for the next few days. How irritating. God I need a laptop or something.
I am tryin to have a positive outlook for the weekend, and it isn't working. Maybe I'll draw. Maybe I'll write. Hah! I've already got warned not to open my mouth and say anything "embarrassing". I am so gonna miss blogging.

"Do you always trust your first initial feeling
special knowledge hold truth bears believing" ~ Stevie Nicks - Crystal

BlackFlixx is a stupid goddamn site. I'd like to see what we're up against. Those assholes can't design a good site if it killed them.

Trace doesn't want to go anywhere.

POM - Blurry. Why do I love this so much?

Lazy Friday. Yay! Am not actually in mood to keep searching for tickets etc. Needing sleep.
Bored bored. Hmm. Should do work. La di dah. No word from Navone. Should have known. Tsk.

Congrats to Dirky on his new job! Fantastic!

Now I need one.

On why my braininess/geekiness that attracts freaks thing : "Maybe it's the whole "girl cool with tech" thing. Gives off a weird erotic vibe for some guys." Eh heh.
Very good.

I'm hanging with bad company tonight.
Rav is...well. His usual self. Rather fucking irritating in his wall of non-emotion bullshit.
Cory's hot.
Richard has disappeared. He is evil link dude who thinks the grocery is a good pickup place. Hmm. Remind me to go "shopping" sometime.

Good time for sleep I believe.

Rich - these damned sites.
RuPaul's blog. Lordee.
Soft pr0n. Somebody *ahems @ certain photographer bitch* around here will not be pleased with this. Tsk.

I got to class exactly at 11. *grumble* Class started at 1 as usual. Great scots! My logo also screamed - fuckery, so I'm sure as hell doing THAT over. Yuckity yuck. The secretary says it's good, but it's lame as heck. She admitted she's stupid today. Wow. We're getting somewhere.

Oh yes baby! "Did I tell you that I'm in love with your voice?" Oh yeh bring it on! "So laid back so sweet, kinda rolls" Oh yeh! Woo ha! Take that hot bitches who don't call me. That's what you're missing. Bastards.

Stace I only hope you still have those VIPS. I want. Dammit! I'm looking everywhere for them. Bah!
Congrats on her school stuff though. Thank goodness!

Stac leaves tomorrow early for Fl. Best wishes to her and a speedy recovery!
Stef is well...uhh... whatever.
Justin is happy - overly so. Miche is up there. Eeks.
McKain has me hmming as usual.
I never understand what the hell Mark is talking about. Goodness...

What the hell. Some people just have it. This chic I know is going to Vegas for carnival. Mannn. No boys - she's taken. Tough luck and no she won't carry you. She doh like girls either. Don't even think about it.

Cookie for me. Munch munch munch.

Some are happy, some are sad. Whoopeeding. Early class today. Let's hope I stay awake. If I could gape it would have been cooler...wait...ok. Behaviour. Think cookie...cookie.

Damn you to hell camera bitch!

*yawn*

I have about 7 hours to sleep, and I need about 12.
I fixed all my archives finally (sorry about the delay), so you can once again maco.

Apparently I influence people - more than I realise. Cory values me as a good friend, and listens to what I say. We've only just met really. I give good advice or something. Cool, yet somehow...boring. I get bored too fast. Ah well.

I'm listening to Savage Garden. Heaven help.

Is it possible to love someone too much, and in doing so cause you to have to distance yourself from them? Someone explain it to me. Or is it just a whole pile of horseshit?

I had a conversation today with someone. Relationships, flings, absence of love, and so forth. Actually several times for the day, with different people, there's been talk of relationships, lackthereof, and the like. I'm so sick of it. Everyone's either bitter and hurt and staying away from relationships, or having problems in their r'ships, or in love and enjoying the r'ships. Sick of it all around me. Go away. I want to be 2 and thinking about cookie monster again.

Stac sent me a beautiful calendar. I am tempted to post it here, but the boys will curse me forever. It's just jealousy though. Poor things. Thank you chic!
Stace was serious about not blogging for the rest of the week. Dammit. :(

Am feeling to stay up and edit my page. No Trace no! Go to sleep! Should have been asleep too long ago. Been playing Savage Garden - Universe too many times. Excuse me. It's mush, but relevant lyrically - or something.

Trace is being introspective again.

After a most horrid afternoon, searching in vain for my school certificates, I found them. Yay! I hate my drawer - the bastard. I need some space in this room. I also keep too much junk. But they're important! All of it!!! I realise I've had stuff for years upon years, and don't even use it. Sheesh. Phew I say phew. I started praying actually : Dear God..you know I can't deal with this shit.

Trace is relieved and happy...for now.

Wtf. I hate you Blogger.

Goddamn.

Red: 15/100 Blue: 12/100 White: 9/100 Yellow: 9/100

Take the Color Code Test
by Dano

This has got to be the quote of the day. This had me rolling.

Justin - Easy 9 - a quick attempt at wittiness followed by the realisation of...lameness.
Re: women having power : "They don't have power, they're here for sex, that's all... well, come to think of it, shit, they have ALL the power...

fuck."

I have a bone to pick with Jhagroo. What the hell.
The bastard : "Apparently beauty, intelligence and being downright bloody attractive is still a possible combination."
Bitch.

Last but not least. LOL more @ Jus. Lol @ horn. Oh gosh. Ok I stop I stop.
Go Miche go Miche! Hold it dong!!!!!!!!!!!
*ducks*

We seriously need the chic blog - with a section with no male access allowed.

More like 4 am er.
Will I wake up later? Hehe.

Lol. Geezus Christ Richard. What the hell. Pornobears.
Disgusting really.

Ok enough with the links Rich. Lullaby? We think not.

I'm on a roll tonight with animation stuff. Hotwired Animation Express rules that way.

My favourites for the hour :
Field Guide to Snapping
I Eat People
One Knight's Stand
Young Death and the Chupacabra
Grenade Dancer

Victor Navone rocks! This dude way too good. Hell! He did Alien Song. I've been trying to ask people if they've seen this for a long time now and no one knew. Lamers! This stuff is the sweetest. I swear!!! Man oh man. Go download it if you haven't seen it. The pictures take a heck of a long time to load, but it's worth it.
I'm e-mailing him - something I never ever do with ...well...anyone...you know...like..."famous". Should I be so ashamed as to show him my ugly site and my ugly work? Tsk. Let's see if he replies. Hehe.
Dammit dammit dammit. I need to be that good too.

Ah yes. Another night of worthwhile yet depressing (somehow) surfing.
Productivity? I scanned some old animation frames from class. Now just to actually pull them together. Not sure what exactly to use. Stuck. Too many IE windows open. Damn you linkboy! You know who you are. *growl*

So this weekend they want to go up to the beach - again. Oh joy. I'm really not in the mood for this family thing. There'll be babies there - a relative newborn, plus a toddler and an annoying 4 or 5 year old. Good grief. Feeling oddly anti-social. Someone take me in. I also hate Carnival... Rissa is trying to turn me into a partay aminal.
She thinks Kes is hot - Stac gimme info on that boy for her. I prefer my coolieboy guy who I have yet to find. Speaking of which, Friday in Excellent Stores, I saw one who could have been cutieboy, and Darsy was mean about it. :(

I want ice-cream. No the expensive kind. No lame McD's shit.

Trace is pulling another 3 am-er.

Of course my mother had to piss me off this morning - on one of her "god you're a lazy loser bitch" rants. It was drowned out mostly by music. Mmm. I was overly excited to get out of the house.

Am kicking their asses in that class, but I cannot compare. I still suck. In comparison. Blah. Chris and Dirk are gonna kick my ass :(

"I think we should save this talk for in person" Such a smart child. Now it dawns. Someone got hit with the Clue stick? Wowser.
"...you must be out of your mind jellyhead you've really done it" ~Crush Jellyhead Asshole.

You'd think I'd be sleeping by now. I just wanna hide away now. I've told everyone goodnight. They've gone actually. Most. The solitude is welcoming - yet not.
I'm going on a Justin rant. Now I know what he was talking about... At least he's in school - he interacts with people. I'm more of a hermit of late. I don't get out of these fuckin mountains save for class, my weekly meeting, and that's it.

I've gotten too used to this whole digital socialization. The comfort of hiding behind it is getting me disconcerted and irritated. I'm tired of not seeing people's eyes. I'm tired of being...Lovy. When do I go back to being Tracey? When do I go back to being real? I have a rep or something. I'm "nice". I'm this online chic some of the boys are mad interested in. How weird. What the hell. All of my ex's have been people I've actually met online. Geezus Christ. This isn't to put anyone down and it's not that it wasn't solid and true, but just to think...egads! I am lame!!!! I am an ugly fewl who can only pick up uglyboys when I'm out. Mom says to wish them away. Right. I'm still lame. I pick up with my dashing personality - which in it's bitchness attracts the freaks more. I don't get it. I try to be a bitch. They don't understand that I am, that I'm not kidding. Somewhere in there though I have some kind of personality no doubt. What attracts people is mind-boggling though.

Ok straying. Eek. I am fed up of it all. I want a change. I need to stay away from this shit. I need a fucking social life. No a REAL one!!! I need to hang with the people I talk to. I live too far away. Need to move out...of here...the country too... Fucking parents. Bastards!!! Now I don't even have a fucking mountain to gawk at. Someone take me in please. Everyone stays away because I'm way far. Fuckery. Then mother will say - you need a life, all scornfully. FUCK I know this! Yes mother you lived in the fuckin 'burbs. Whose FAULT is it that I'm living under God's fuckin toenail huh?

Straying again. What was my 1st point? Oh..digitalism. Tired now. I have just typed out my fucking emotions. *sigh* Pathetic. People are too lazy now. I guess that's the trend. I still think it's lame in a way. I can't do without my net. I can't do without my main squeezes on ICQ and MSN. Ughhh.

I just spent an hour on this. cutting pasting backspacing deleting adding thinking.

Trace is not amused.

After that talk I seriously need a margarita - or 3...maybe 4.
Don't ask.
Whatta fuckin mess.
My mood calls for Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit.
I don't care I'm posting everything with emphasis on whatever I seem to think is pertinent.

It's just one of those days
when you don't wanna wake up
everything is fucked
everybody sucks
you don't really know why
but you wanna justify
rippin someones head off
no human contact
and if you interact
your life is on contract
your best bet is to just stay away motherfucker
its just one of those days

its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
lettin shit slip
or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
talking that shit
its just one of those days
feelin like a freight train
first one to complain
leaves with the blood stain
damn right i'm a maniac
you better watch your back
cause I'm fuckin up your program
and then your stuck up
you just locked up
next in line to get fucked up
your best bet is to just stay away mother fucker
its just one of those days

its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
letting shit slip
or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
talking that shit punk
so come and get it
I feel like shit
my suggestion
is to keep your distance
cause right now i'm dangerous
we've all felt like shit
and been treated like shit
all those motherfuckers
that wanna step up
you know i pack a chainsaw
i skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
i just might break something tonight
pack a chainsaw
i skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
i just might break something tonight
pack a chainsaw
i skin your ass raw
and if my day keeps going this way
i just might break you fuckin face tonight
gimme something to break(3x)
how bout your fucking face
i hope you know i pack a chainsaw
a chainsaw
a motherfuckin chainsaw
so come and get it
its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
that shits slick
or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
its all about the he says she says bullshit
i think you better quit
talking that shit
punk
so come and get it

This reminds me of my team members.
Somehow. For some ungodly reason. I dunno.
*snicker*

Okay then
Lol@pinko commie etc etc. Where the hell does Stac find this stuff?

Cuervo. Uh huh uh huh. Sexy!
Do I hear cranberry margarita? Mmm. Fuck who am I kidding, I've never even had a margarita. No. Really I haven't. Shut up or get me one.
So I like cranberries.
Watermelon and strawberry... mmmmmm.
I like strawberries too.

I'll miss Stace blogging. *sniffle*

McKain needs to be shot. Despite me feeling completely like that at times, hell...dammit. Stop!

Trace is not a wino

I'm jalape�o! Interesting. "Zesty and sizzling, you're a truly tasty treat." If I were a cocktail I'd be a margarita.
I'm a real Sagittarius.
I'm not much of a flirt.
I'm untrusting of guys, though usually mean what I say - sorta.
My sex drive is in 3rd gear - which is crusing apparently. Err. Righto.
I'm kinda evil. (stewps)
Holy shit my lucky number really is 7. Wow.
My perfect car is a sedan. (Hmph!)
I have the IQ of an average Joe - something about a Precision Processing - although, that was a bad night.
My theme song is "Groove is in the Heart". Eek!
I am Sex goddess Demeter, Goddess of the Fruitful Earth.
I have the superpower of invisibility.
I'm nice. (stewps)
My "type" is a goofball. (wtf!)
I don't have a 6th sense.
My aura is Emerald.

Damn you Emode. No I didn't just take all of these tests - these were done over a period of time...like a year or something.

Brr. These past few nights have been slightly chilly. Of course I've been up keeping the mosquitoes alive with my most (apparently) scrumptious blood.

I really have no idea why I've been staying up. Now that most of the site's work is done, I should be concentrating on either this site - which needs dire updating, everyone else's sites (before the whole lot of work starts), and Flash. Wonderful Flash.

I got a slight burst of creativity earlier, but I need sleep. I awoke out of a nice deep sleep to get online for a meeting that never even happened. That's for not checking mail. Sheesh. So I wanted to fire up Illustrator, but I never did quite get around to it. *looks longingly at the cute little Illustrator icon on the task bar*

Ok ok ok fine.
*click* It's open. Dammit.
I've gotten 130 new fonts and have played with none yet. You think it's about time?

Steph's reading my blogs! Yay!!! *wavies*

My mom just said I need a "nice boyfriend" and I'll be a "happier person". Right. *stewps* I told her that would be bad and I'd get no work done. Which is true I think.
She's learning how to filter my phone calls. I'll be awoken by almost everyone except one poor loser now. Aww how sad. I had a most irritating conversation this afternoon. It's sad when you have to move the phone away from your ears alot and say "mm hmm" "yeh" "cool" "great" several times over to feign joyous appreciation of telephone talk. I hate to get disappointed when I answer the phone. Drat!
*makes little L's with her fingers*
No wonder I'm single. I don't care either. That's supposed to be shameful. *gasp*

Mark keeps molesting his page man.

Frostbytei banned from Barry University eh. *giggle* Wow. That's fucking amazing!!! Sweeeettt. We're bad...we're bad. Yay! Jus, we'll have to start getting a badda rep! *evil grin*

Wtf @ Stacey. Married couple my ass. Doh be on that! Jhagroo bitch! :)

Trace is such a bastard!

*gasp* It's good to get surprises sometimes I suppose. Rav actually replied to one of my get-to-know-you thingies.Wow. Heh he was my least likely to reply person. Oh dear and the first one of the bunch to actually reply. Heh. *ducks quietly*

Happy Birthday Kason!!

IE Browsers open : Emode and they're damn tests. Bah!
Digital cameras (again)
Cassie Claire's LOTR super secret diaries. My god!! This is just wonderful!
McKain's blog.
Jade's blog. LOL!

Everything But The Girl - Lullaby of Clubland plays.

I'm happy. (*gasp*) Finally project site stuff is up and working well. Went smoothly if I must say so. Now to get on wih Flash shit. Joy.
I had another very big cup of strong coffee, so I'm supposing it's gonna be another of those nights.