I've finished a round of Quake 3 CTF training. *grunt* I should have been doing work, but after I realised I was signed up for a tournament this weekend I thought, shit, I haven't played in ages - far less CTF. Dear Lord help us all. It's me and 2 chics going up against 24 odd guys ... what the hell? *sigh*

I'm slowly getting work too mind you (while chatting with sexy bastard). As Hax said "inspiration". Actually...I'm not sure what it was but got a few things done. It's coming along.

Because of aforementioned tourney realised that this weekend is the 3rd August. That my dears is not good considering our animation festival thing. Uhm. *ducks* Miracle? Hardeehar. :( I guess when you toss up $ and exposure and no real... gosh hell I don't even know what to think anymore. Depressed about that.

Spoke to Chris this evening and he's doing...well..he's busy and frustrated. Aren't we all? By the way, Jus, he thinks you're a clown... but we'll discuss that on MSN or something.

Oh look other people's blogs. *reads, comments, closes*

37.5 %

My weblog owns 37.5 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

5:20 am..very good Trace.

Yes I have heard about that virus and how nice it isn't. Rich I hope you feel better. Dars is still sick? I hope not. Wish her well too.

Congrats to Stace for getting one of the more kickass jobs I've heard of in a while. This is good. Now I'm going to wrap myself up in this site work since my life seems to be going nowhere fast. It's a long hard slowww journey. Sometimes too frustrating. Am hoping that all of this bullshit pays off in the end and am working for the 100 + an hour I should be working for.

I'm a bit at odds on the format of my site because I'm having difficulty deciding on certain things and the whole presentation. The design is there, which I have to keep, and yet have a beautifully navigable site (especially for not-so-smart clients). Erk. It's not like I didn't think of it before, it's just that surfing through some other sites, I'm just confused and therefore stalled. Forgive me? I'll probably tackling you guys to comment and help etc. Have already asked Stace and Hax.

There are other projects to be done. Time's a-goin Trace. *slaps self* Should not be spending time talking to certain madly attractive person who insists on being way too cute for own good. The Lord said - let there be distraction for Trace not to get any work done and instead find herself sleeping or talking to sexy people.

Finished clean dusty icky room though. *beams in triumph* Now to move that bed and get feng shui thingies going... hah!

Blogger sill won't fix my template properly and am still getting odd errors yet it is publishing eventually. Annoying.
Off to battle stinky web work. (Am still talking to Stace though)
*swish*

Oh dear, apparently TSTT is giving some trouble so no one's around keeping my company.
Just finished reading that Anne Rice book. Eenteresting. All in all it was a love story of sorts. *think*

Have not cleaned room yet :(
Issues.

*poof*

*drops to floor*
Whoever thought cleaning 1/4 of a room could be so exhausting? My room. Yes indeed. It is being done slowly but surely. Under the layers of dust. dead insects, and whatever else... There's books and papers and bags and alottt of dust pn the floor which shall not be vacuumed till tomorrow. The trash is full too (yay actually threw away things) but will not be emptied until tomorrow when everything is cleaned up.

Am sick of that stupid calendar and these white walls.

So I ended up getting the guts to look at chic flick - Someone Like You - finally! After all, Hugh Jackman is hot. :) Ah yes indeed chic flicks. Why do I bother? All this hoo ha about love and lack thereof and the acquistion, loss, re-acquistion of such. Blah di blah. I was reading Anne Rice's New Tales of the Vampires. Really interesting so far, considered I've royalled screwed up the entire chronological reading order thing. (I'll get em in order one day). Anyways, it's this vampiress chic, Pandora writing her story in this book, and she comments on something about knowing everything about human nature by watching tv. I guess it's true...all you need is some Real World and there ya go. *frown* Indeed.

So the question is - what about this love thing? I guess it exists since 95% of these movies end generally happily (though it's not always a fairytale after as seen through Bridget Jones : The Edge of Reasoning). And one must let go and stand the risk of losing everything to move along. Right. I think so at least. Idiot. Stop pondering on such and make your moves woman.

*wusses out* So will stay in lame litle corner for rest of life. As I was cleaning out today, I happened upon old ... things. Notebooks, with doodles, writings and that kind of thing. It's not like I haven't tried starting over so many times. I look back on those things written on a whim, through desperation for some saving of soul of life.
I also found things of exes. Ah. Shall I delve further? Mmmm no - not after that movie.

The girls and I were just discussing all this boy stuff again. Egads. Talking about combos of traits of certain people that would make the most perfect man (ungay!) forus. Oh..mannn. *snaps out of dream*

I need ice cream. Now. Pweese? :( What's that Stace? Heavenly Hash. Dear Lord...oooooh!

*looks around a little bit*
Crap.

Sleep to be had, work to be done.
*poof*

But before I make my departure I must pose a question to the masses. Can someone be wayy too sexy? (Goddamn) Anyways shall not incriminate self more. Niters.

Yes I'm going to sleep at this hour. Was doing Illustrator thingies thanks to Hax. Inspiration indeed. I'll fix that u later though - at least I know it's not impossible. (He's really good!!!) I will show you the work later.

Alejandro Sanz - El Alma al aire is the sweetest song I've heard for a while. Gorgeous! Playing it over and over (finally got it!). Ryan sent me Kazaa-Lite so I can go lurking around for those mp3s now. Yay. Sanz is sexy bastard. Least the voice. Woo hoooo! When you check out the site, the song that should be playing is this one I'm going crazy over. I want this cd too. *wipes drool and dreamy look off face*

Intuition. Insight. Emotions. Feelings.
Take the quiz.

Ok so far everyone's got the same results. Heheh. Cute. Nevermind... Dars got different. Damn I'm always too late or too early checking everyone's blog. Oh well.

Thank you Scar for this link. Quite beautiful indeed. Gibran rocketh oneth. There's some Confucius there too. Nicely.

"My friend, I am not what I seem. Seeming is but a garment I wear -- a care-woven garment that protects me from thy questionings and thee from my negligence." ~ The Madman

Indeed.

So Darsypoo took me on a wild adventure last night. The girl has let her hair down and is mashin up dance floors all over the country.
Ok so we went and played some pool in Arima with her cousin and some of his friends. Pretty decent though. I'm always amazed at how much my game has improved. Am no longer a n00bie (well really). Yay! Go me! I remember that first try at pool. Whatta mess. Dear Lord. My game still ain't all that and a pack of potaytoe chips but hell it sure as hell beats a new new new kid on the ball.

I was watching most of Moulin Rouge again last evening...*sigh* Issues have I.

Also have realised I repel guys. Have I said this before? This is just affirmation I suppose. Good lord. I have this wittle itty bitty feewing deep down inside that I tend to fit in a tad too well with "the boys" and end up being coined "cool chic" and "friend". Not that I'm complaining but ... ugh. I'm still a girl. Not a girlie girl, but still female. I need love too. *sniff*
But anyway.
Yeh yeh it's fine and dandy and I don't care. Whoever can't handle a strong female personality can go to hell. They're pussies.
Stop gasping at my language. (That's another thing they can't handle). Ah well. The boys rubbed off well on me. That sounded gross but you know what I'm talking about.

Still love Moulin Rouge. Hell I just looked for the script. Beautiful. I forgot to say that the soundtrack and music thing was just the grooviest thing ever!

This is the introduction - the beginning of the movie :

Nature boy

Singing: There was a boy
A very strange, enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he...
And then one day
One magic day
He passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me...
'The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love...and be loved in return.'

That's just sweet.

Sleeptime. Ohh rain!

*looks down and cracks up @ porn thing* LOL. That girl lookin ugly too. Oh well.

God it's hot hot hot. Good week for the beach people. Let's go..or something.
This morning there was no electricity again, so I sweltered in this oven for a while, even attempted to pull out my art supplies, but couldn't find the proper subject/concentration so I started reading over Bridget Jones' Diary. Tooo hot. Argh and it's 3 pm...no bit of cooling down yet. It's not like I have on hot clothes or anything either. Sun..agh. Beaaaccchhhhhh.

Good grief. Had to be Rich(job) to send me this link. Course I was idle enough to do it.



What Porn Starlet are you? Take the quiz @ 5tarla.net

*cracks up* Like wow then.

G'mornin. *poof*

Uhmmmmm. Stop freakin me out ok? Who is "me" who commented on MBS? Private msg me goddammit or identify yourself. Grr.
*reminds self to password this thing*

*cower*

Maybe I know too many people yes. This shit freaks me out. No that is not your cue to freak me out anymore you guys.
Humbug.

Since I'm here, and not making use of my time appropriately, I'll continue to do so. I have some stuff to say. I shall not rest until I do.

First of all - HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFFERS!!! *hug hug muah muah*

Thank you webgodkickassdudesweetiepie Jussy for helping me fix my page - got rid of icky margins yayyyyyy! *jumps*
Bow to the web god now. We're not worthy!

Thoughts on yesterday's mass (if yuh wanna flame me go to hell) :
It wasn't bad, and I suppose things are changing, but right now the priest has no function other than blessing the host and drinking all the wine (hmmmm). He struts in for the show, (this one priest by the way who I do not like), and proceeds to bellow out the opening hymn in his best voice (he's practised you see). He then proceeds to sit his fat ass down in a pretty, comfortable chair and watch the minions work. Hell he doesn't even talk much anymore. There's a slave doing that - a chic. Whatever. Bo-ring. I gues sit's better than hearing him talk a pile of bull crap. Ok, so I haven't been to mass in a long time, but now there's pews on the fricking altar man. What's up with that? These are for the singers on one side and the whatevers (happy people with nothing to do and needing to find a path to heaven who give out communion) on the other.
There's the smoke from the benediction thingymajig that makes you choke, cough and eyes burn. Had the unfortunate experience of being dragged up to the front - second row - in line up with the smoke. Man. That could pass I suppose eh...not bitching too much about it.
The priest just irks me in his falseness. I can't stand posers!!!!! He's corny to go with it. Not a good combo. Ergh. I kept staring at the stained glass and colour on the wall, the fixtures, the shadows along the walls made by the beautiful architecture. Sanity was retained (generally). I actually went for communion...peer pressure maybe - did it for my mother who would have killed me etc. Have not melt yet - this is good. Guess I'm not pure evil. ;)

Lol...one reaction to my church adventure :
Me: I actually went to church today.
Him : Lord. They let you in?
Gee. :P

Saturday evening I watched most of Finding Forrester. Just cuz there was nothing else to do and was waiting (read trying to stay awake), to see Moulin Rouge after. FF was pretty good - I guess I was in that mood. Tr�s excellent. I gotta be smart like that...hahaha. Right so anyways. Moulin Rouge. Wow. "Holy shit" does not begin to describe that show. Werd. Pretty damn cool I say. Baz is very very interesting indeed. So sad at end. *sniffle*
My ratey thingy?
Story - pretty - fun - sad
Costumes - kewwwlll n pretty
Cinematography - beautiful
Script - cool
Artiness - a million points
Actors - good choices indeed
Overall - suhweeeettt!
Definitely a chic movie - not sure if guys are into this type of thing - if so that's very good. I love artists.

Chruch was to be had this morning. It is over. Woot. I did not melt. Go me! (Saw one hottie but the hair was in mess - tsk.)
Stace looked rather bewildered to see me there. *cracks up*
Met some cool people...remote family members again and am home enjoying the breeze of my manly fan.

*nods to Dirty Vegas* Mmmm good.

Re: comments : Rich - why must I not gape?!!! This is the food of life. Eye candy is necessary for female of species to function. It's like ice-cream of chocolate or...air...same thing. Wooohhooooo @ MBS (see link in post below). Long live the bangables (yes Stef add that one to the dictionary).

Sunday eh? Mmmm hmm. What the heck is my father doing outside? Some loud piece of machinery is going and the noise is slicing through my brain.
*looks @ bed* I awoke earlier than 7 this morning, did not sleep till 3 or even 4. Grr.

Hello Mr. Blue shirt. According to Stace - bangable. Very to say the least. Oh yeh. Yet again I strike.
Ouais. Ladies I suggest you take a look. If yuh know him ... yuh know what to do. Pass along...
*sigh*

Guess I should sleep. Had a most torturous day yesterday. Heat, no fun, annoying parents, the works, then last night electricity went poof and it was hot hot hot, and mosquitoes came out to play. Joy. Have gotten nada done what I should have.
*cry*

Blah.

Minute amounts of work done, but enough to satisfy a weary half-depressed soul. I've been looking at too much good art and doubting my capabilities.
I have to get up early to go tile-shopping with the folks. This is where I get to be artsy and picky, considering I am usually left out of these decisions. My room, the hole that it is, was designated to moi when I was just a lass. Ugh. Have too many things. Bad Feng Shui most likely,but anyways. Apparently the house is going through a few makeovers, so I don't see why my room can't have a few things as well. When I acquire some dinero I'mma gonna decorattteeee on the cheap. I think it's only the kitchen getting the good treatment for now though...hmph. Ah well. It's about time.

Read/sleep time.

*espies the net crawling*

OMG Stace, I have been checking out and gawking over Linda Bergkvist's work. Dear God. She now owns me. WTF!

*depressed*

Okayyy thingies refuse to publish apparently.
Hmm check this site man. Oh wow! The Flash is suh-weeeet. Makes you wanna buy the perfume ...that's the intention yes..they have done a very good job indeed.
Hax also distracted me with this very intensely groovy as hell Illustrator's site. Werd!!!!!

I have been surfing alot today. Why? Not quite sure. I'm also exhausted. Possibly need to go to the gym...but anyways. Eeek. *runs*
With all this surfing, it's getting me half depressed, because my work isn't as kickass as theirs. Yeh yeh yeh I know the whole personal style thingy. Blah. I need to step up my skill big time baby! Meanwhile I should be inspired to go do some work, but Illustrator and Photoshop are just sitting there grinning at me. Bastards.

I arose before 7 am *gasp* Woo woo go me! Of course by after 9 was falling on face and decided to have wittle nap. It was HOT. My god I swear I need a/c in this place. It just rained a bit and ...raised the heat. *sigh* Apparently Florida's been rainy as well afternoon time.

This site is just reminding me of how badly I need to learn Flash.

Back to drawing board. Back to the grind. Back to...whatever.

How come all the other blogs are stable but mine. What's up with that? I doh understand such. Blogger don luv mah bloggy. :(

I arose around 3 pm his afternoon. Am v proud of self.

Crap...stupid thing just closed...damn you IE.

Right so as I was saying before rudely interrupted by dumbass technology, today is Wednesday. I've beend oing my work I swear to you I have...at least 4 pieces I believe. This is new art - digital stuff. I still have a few other things pending, then the prep for the images and then to put eveything together and type up a few pretty words. Fun indeed. Getting cosy with my Photoshop.

Where is Jobity? Must e-mail soon. Must e-mail a few people soon. Soon I say soon.

Tired. Been working all night, and a little during the day.

When you feel like you're getting somewhere, even though no one else sees it, it still feels good.
The new mosquito bites are itchy... and so are the old ones. I should sleep yes I do know this, but it's comforting to be here, in solitude, me and my music and a few straggling people who are actually awake...not sure if they're coherent though.

Thanks again to Rav for having a good connection and allowing me (though he probably shouldnt) to suck away at his ftp. Chicane is awesome, as is the Massive Attack. It's about time I got new music. Sasha rules as usual.

*scratches toe* They bite me in the strangest places...my second to last toe..on the inside/bottom...now how the hell did that happen?

*cracks neck*
I am seriously blind...but anyway that's beside the point.

I have been thinking alot as usual. I can't/won't publish my thoughts here because they are way too ambitious for you folks. You will all laugh and I also like having it as part secret. Only a couple people know of my endeavours, which will soon become a tad more public, but aside from those side things that are happening, there's other stuff dancing in my brain.

*sips agua, takes keyboard into lap and sticks feet on desk*

Ah yes this is the life. Not really, but at least at this moment even with a bunch or work pending, I can say I am happy. Amazing indeed. I feel as if I know where I'm going - temporary as it may be. I have a plan sketched on paper and it grows ever so much. I sit down with my pen and write down everything I'm thinking about. I decided to write in pen. Usually I do it in pencil so there's a possibility of erasure, but the ink solidifies my plan a little more.
I cannot stop doing. I will not say "when is this phase going to end" anymore. I must must change.

So Sunday I have to go to church. Mmm yes. Trace in church. Whatta thing. I can't remember the last time this momentous event took place, when the sky was moving toward the earth. There should be a lan party to attend Saturday night so I am not quite sure the intake of caffeine necessary to keep myself half coherent. Goodness. The reason is forced by the way, I'm not going on my own accord. It's some remote family thing. Joy. Then have to socialise after. Guh-reat. Old people. *grunt* Let's see what good contacts one can make out of this though.

Oh God...the downloads dropped under 4kb/s. :(

*shifts*

Guess I should either go to sleep, have another brainstorming session or do more work. Am getting a tad weary, so I'll think, write and sleep.

Monday huh? Right.

I'm doing some work and I have my new design pretty much done, and have done certain things. Just to pull everything together now. Fast. I am trying to make deadlines for myself. Really. Have a few things on my to do list, a few very big important time-consuming monsters of things, and I dont really mind. Feeling very weird. At least I'm not bored. What can I say?

I have no life but my work now. Guess this way I can concentrate on getting my life back together and get somewhere in my life - where I need to be - where I needed to be so long ago. I think. Am incoherent and talking out of my ass apparently. Right. So. Off to bed I go - a girl needs her rest, but I'll be thinking and writing list things and ideas and the like. It never stops until my eyes close and I fall away.

Empowerment? Stupidity? Hmm hello bed.
Hah Stef now I reallllly sound as if I'm on heroin. Christum!

You know what? Screw Tobago at the end of the month. I really don't need it. I really don't. It's not like I'll have fun anyway. (I can just smell the sour grapes a mile off) I mean, heck I don't even like to party. I'm also not looking good enough to even breathe around the sets of gorgeous people, flaunting themselves around in skimpy clothes. I do not need a sink in self esteem at this point in time. Let me save my dwindling money. If I'm being sponsored I'll go - hahaha big joke.

Yes I need a fucking vacation - and to do so I need $ and well you know the rest. Vicious stupid cycle. Urk. Dammit.

Ok I *think* I fixed it. Yay.
So remember how my site used to have my little icon thing? Go re-bookmark this blog page - yeh overwrite it. Go go.

Something's still funny but can't be bothered right now. Egads. Not sure how to fix either. Ugh @ font. Ugh @ blogger. Ugh @ me.

So here's the thing, I have to wait until Blogger tops playing up the donkey's bum in order to test to see if anything works at all.
*crosses fingers*

Four days. Many events, many experiences, many many things to say. Shall I make a nice long post? Hmm. (Have been bursting to blog.)
I have about 10 minutes to wait for this new album to fnally finish downloading. Hvae goneloony again on music. Now I actually start back downloading stuff, because I can burn them off efficiently.
Where shall I start?

Was it Wednesday during the day I totally X'd out my blog completely, because good ol l-a-b point out that stuff looked funny. Back to work. I really wasn't in the mood, and the HTML and DHTML gods were not pleased with me in the least. *hears crack of thunder in the distance* I was tossing up layers frames and good ol tables. Guess which one it boiled down to? I'm hoping it looks at least okish on most browsers (will it even load?). *sigh* I guess I'll find out for sure.

*sips tea* Yes I am drinking tea now. Something never done before really. What the hell is up? Has Trace gone over theedge this time? *drum roll*

Oh look! *F5* It works! Just a little...*click click click* tweak *type click* Hopefully that does it, just to wait a few more minutes. Then I can relax.
Yesss it works!! (Yeh am doing things in separate windows and blogging and scoping music I need to steal from Rav. Erk there's this one error and am not feeling to look for it and fix it. Everything else works and am happy bunny. Hop hop.

Eek it's almost 4, but I'm rushing to download a couple more songs, and finish blogging.

Right, so onto our story! Yes on to our story! Woosh. Where was I? Wednesday. Right blog got X'ed. People were all wtf. I was kinda hiding out, working on and off on things. I ended up watching tv Wednesday evening and Thursday I think. I was also working on my other site (that still needs to go up (fun). I was so very frustrated by Thursday evening that I ended up picking up this magazine called Artist's Sketchbook. I read of creative thinking and finding muses and so forth. I was writing lists, making reativity mind maps and the like. I also looked around my room and realised good grief, this is annoying.

Friday morning I woke up around 10 or so and started changing stuff in my room. I took down my little stuff aminal filled hammock - my babies, and put them away. I took down my posters. All of 4 of them. The bear, the drawing, the Wil Veloz and the SCAD. My walls are now white and bare, begging for decorative action. Indeed.
I've been, (despite lack of sleep) researching more Feng Shui. Yes I believe the crappy room thing has been sucking my creative energies. No really.
I never really took it on before, but I think some of the principles apply and am more than willing to go the mile. (Must get a prosperity corner)
So that's just one thing.

Heck I woke up yesterday morning at 9 (after going to sleep at what? 4am?) and vacuumed my room. Then went out to a meeting and got back in around 6 pm dead tired, but inspired. Got a couple hours sleep last night, but I've been up sucking music and working on my blog.

Have not been to gym in very long time. Whatta mess. Disgusting really. Should wake up early. *sigh* I should stop now, and save the other news for later on. Coherency is beginning to dissipate.

Happy Birthday to Marc - who already got his greetings, his birthday was yesterday.

I am really tired.
But of course you knew this.
This is yet another of those tmes I want to hide away just for a little while, while I gather myself, my thoughts, my mind. I got offline a couple hours ago, listened to some music, started some work, and here I am. No Trillian open. Go me! No distractions. Yay. Must learn to close IMs. Shall not check forums either.
I am tired being too nice to people. I am tired of saying yes to everything that is asked of me. I need Trace time. Me time. So I'm taking it.
I need to spin out of this mud and get going with my life (where will it take me no one knows). I'm actually still very confused about it...so. Ugh.

Will fix this site soon enough, once I get certain things figured out. As I said coding is not exactly my forte.
Sleep time. Gosh I miss my gym...

AM HATING BLOGGER SO GODDAMN MUCH.
Actually I hate me for not being able to handle all of this crap. I hate code so so so so much. I hate php. I hate configuring this bullshit. Arggghhhhhhh. Hate you hate you hate you. I give up. No one check the archives please - the fricking bitch of a scroller does not even work there. How to fix this I don't know. Am in process of giving up Have cursed way too much for day.
Ugh!!!!!!! Horrid horrid day. Blaccchhhh.
As you can tell. V v v v v frustrated. Hate code. Did I mention that? Stupid things.

Uhm I know it isn't working yet. Bear with me, I'm working out the kinks piece by piece.

Urgh @ Blogger.
Bitch!

Deepest condolences to Haxy.

Congrats to Jane and Russ on the new baby, Asia Marie!! That's a beautiful name. Hmm I wonder where they got that middle name from huh? :) Gorgeous - can't wait to see her...and her 2 older siblings I have yet to see...

Oh me oh my am so very sleepy. It's cold and there are bugs lurking around, flying, crawling, flapping ecstatically. Egads.

Was out just now with Kev Ian and Dars and well Rishi later on. Cool. Went Arima, shoot some pool, got food, went into town, got Rishi, went down to Chaguaramas, looked into people's cars with big flashlight pretending to be police, drove down to Macqueripe in dense mist, was very cold. Good night.

Came home to a bit of sad news, but it's all good still.

Am tired. Dying...bonuit!

Right so like.. it's 4th still lol. I guess the Americans are in their glee. Happy 4th to those that care. I don't know why I bother, but I believe I have Americano friends...somwehere out there.

Serious ice cream craving going down. Oh hell.

Has to be Rich to be finding this kind of shit.

Well yesterday was really cool. Hung out with the girls, Stace, Dars, Ria, Bev and we went to the cinema, accompanied only by Stace's bro and Dirk was in among the fray somewhere. Star Wars Episode 2...nice. Yoda rocks onnnn! Ok so for a non SW fan, I enjoyed it. The love story stuff was just wayyyyy ... dumb. I had one guy in front of me totally cracking up because I was making quiet comments about Anni having issues. Lord he was patheticcccc!!!!! Let me not spill the whole story though. Padme had sweeet oufits omg! omg!

Anyways. 5 chics, one kitchen. Boy oh boy. We got no food to buy anywhere east side @ 11:30/12 so we had to make do in the kitchen. It's a good thing my mom sent some chicken wings so we just had to warm those. Macaroni salad (mean caloric good stuff), was made and we indulged at what... 1 or 2 am. Good God. We sat there and watched tv (sad attempt @ watching pr0n wa made, but there was nothing interesting anyway), and talking a whole bunch of crap. Sleep was had by 4? I think. Not for Stace Bev and Ria though...lol or so we heard. I totally bepped out.

We awoke ... ok well I awoke around 9:15 and trudged around trying to wake the natives, but they were unmoved. Stace was attempting to cut up stuff for breakfast. The long and short is after a lot of laughter and shit talk we ate around 10:30. Disgusting really. Hung around a bit and headed for the gym. I am alive to tell the tale.

At the gym. Har! Am there waiting for my headache to dissipate, and this weirdarse dude steps in and is being annoying and lame. Is v. ugly (God forgive me), and is stupid and showoffish. Is trying to show off Spanish skills to Vennie chic who's there. My trainer, being the bastard that he is (oh I love him so) leaves me and is talking to Vennie, and am left staring into space being talked to by idiotboy. Has funny accent. Says he's Trini. My royal arse he is. Is talking bullcrap. Leaves running behind Vennie chic. Thank you Lord. Later on the other guy working out is there telling me he's been around a while and checks out all the chics (compensation?) and is a general lamo. We're bad and making fun. Tsk.

Why do all the psychos decide to target me? Yuck.

Hoping will not have to do babysitting thing tomorrow, so someone, please take me out.

Having not heard from ppl abt freelance job, they are assumed uninterested and rude. Either that or e-mail doesn't work? Hm. I doubt.
Guess should put up site now.

*awake* blah.

*grumble*

Terrible frame of mind. Lots of stuff bothering me. Urgh. Have been ducking most phone calls, dumb people, chores, everything, but yet not sleeping as I should. You'd think I'd be hiding, but there are other things to do you know. Arts was a definite saviour. Indeed. Somehow he magically appears, feeling just as crappy or maybe worse than me and we're chatting about the most arcane random crap. *grin* Good fun.

I'm thinking I'll stay up a little bit longer, just to blog this out. My whole soul is in utter shambles. I need to stop feeling guilty or something.
I totally dissed this job thing yesterday, even though I'd said on a whim on Monday that I would do it. It was heavy on my heart because I realised only after that I'm worth quite a lot more than the offer given. Idiot moi - wish I was better at on the spot maths.
So, there's this grand toss-up about me being humble and accepting this, because I am just starting out really, yet with the thought on my mind that I know for goddamn sure that my work is top notch and doesn't deserve to be exploited. My father thinks that I've worked too hard to achieve what I have to be exploited this way, and heck I agree. I suppose I am influenced by my peers as well, who have opinions. I see their points and made my decision eventually based upon my own gut feeling as well as theirs.
Yesterday morning I was almost ready to go, and felt almost physically ill. I figured if I take this and start working for shit pay I'll be completely unhappy, and it would definitely show up in my work. I cannot work under such pressure. I'm sorry. It's beyond me and everything that I stand for with regards to my talent and time and people taking advantage of such.

I'm still in denial I suppose? I mean yes I need the money, but if it means unhappiness...well. PFT. I think I'd rather be poor, inexperienced and happy. I have made happiness based decisions like these before. If I hadn't heck I'd be richer and more settled by now, but of course, 'tis the life of an artist.
I want respect and understanding from a potential employer. Course that whole issue is just way confusing. It's a vicious cycle thing where I have to be humble or something and yet not lower myself below certain standards. I'm trying I tell you. I am. If I give them an excellent product, I expect to be paid accordingly.

Need my site up asap. Need my business in order... Do I feel better yet? Nope. Still depressed about it.

Star Wars lime tomorrow/slumber party with the chics. I think I definitely need a laugh break. Darsy's site is still functioning smoothly, with minor changes today. I'm figuring I need to sleep properly. Will it all be better tomorrow? Gym helps me keep my mind off of my problems for a couple hours I guess...

Arrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh!!!!!

Have to get up in 4 hours. Arggghhhhh. Hate this.
*depressed again*

Bah @ work. Bah @ no work. Bah @ ex. Bah @ everything. Bah bah bah. Dammit.

Ugh am idiot idiot idiot.
*bangs head on wall*

Thank you Lord. Finally. It is done.

Dars now has her site up and running. I am so damn tired. I have work to do for today...and well I am so nice I fixed everything. Finally! Right.
So.

Phew.

Am ...well was a bit depressed. I suppose concentrating on this stuff helped? Talking to the girls was cool though. Hopefully we're going out asap.

Oops so mom's birthday was yesterday. As usual am giftless. She woke me up to see the W.C. Finals, so got up groggy and lame, walked outside with a stupid look on my face, grabbed my water, and she's there staring at me...am like..eh? Her : well happy birthday to me. Me : OH! Right! Happy Birthday! *walks off towards tv*

*sigh*

Not exactly a great day. Depressed for about half of it when no one was looking. Arthur came online and left soon thereafter. Great. I need a life too. Had noone to call (who I wanted). Guh-reat. Mind you I tried, but was duly disappointed. "Dont expect anything and you won't be disappointd" Dammit but it's hard not to expect some little thing. I need distraction, oh a beautiful release. All now is a good time. Really. Must be that time of the month when everything seems dreariest and things spiral down and up like a fricking yo-yo. Hate being a girl sometimes. I really do.

What else? Nothing of grand importance other than some kind of PMSlike mood swing thing. Wonderful. Hate guys. Love some.
Sleep would be nice now. Good. Yeh. Sleep. Wow.
Ugh.
*delirium*