I should stop posting on goddamn forums and start getting a life and or sleeping when the night comes. My brain, being on standby since about 4 this afternoon, needs rest. I actually went to work today...joy of joys. Least I got to chill with Jus for lunch :) Yay!

There was stuff I was supposed to say. I know I know. Uhm. Don't rush me!!!
Tsk. I must be tired.

I'm also a geek. I find humour in grammar jokes. Dear Lord.

Happy Birthday Lab!!! xoxoxo!

My hands and feet scratch. Arghhh!!! I hate this virus. It's evil!!!!

"Painting will prevail because its inevitable zones of discomfort, bleeding and pain are sometimes overcome by a high feeling of joy and accomplishment." ~ Joe Blodgett

Must remember that.

*looks around* Sunday huh? I am sick of being sick!! I want to go out but not really to work tomorrow. Joy. Oh well. I'd like to have gone and chilled with Jus and the gang today but ...

*flops around* Least some of the pain is gone. I think. Could be the drugs though. Think mom has dengue and the doctor is a jackass. I just have a stinky virus that's imitating it. Good lord.

*twiddles thumbs* This would be a good time to do some work I suppose? Yeh. French... website...Spanish...paint? Hahaha.

Rufus helps. I've now got more than 30 Rufus W songs. I'm a freak addict I tell ya.
Now HGTV site addiction. Where am I going?

Yay I got me a sexy scanner tyvm Jussy and finally my cell phone... yayy! Uhm. Yayy!! Got dragged out of the house with Jus Miche and Jamal, at least for a few minutes. It's been horrible stuck in this house for so long. I hope I feel better tomorrow so I can go see about my phone and such. Can I manage to walk? Every time I put down my feet they hurt...don't ask why... it's very strange indeed.

Yayyyy!

I hope I don't have dengue. Haha that would be not good at all considering the number of things I have to do. Guh-reat. I don't *think* I have it - I mean I'm coughing and suffering with my sinuses too...
I try to sleep and can't for some reason or another. Very restless. I'm so tired though. *yawn* I haven't gotten fever today though so I think that's some improvement. I'm still weak and bleh however. I should do work since I'm up right? Ugh.
*sigh* I want to sleep!!

What Stone Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Apparently.
It's fun to show people your blog and to get the "Omg I wanna blog too!" reaction. Course there's the "ooohhh angst!" etc. Lol.

Glad to see Stac is doing wonderfully yet freezing and starving (?). I will see all of that soon! Goddammit I will.

Why must I care when you don't? Is it some sort of pathway to heaven that I must fucking crawl to your every need and get nothing but selfish wants in return? You don't even ask how I am feeling you sick fuck. You know I'm bloody well in pain...yesterday, today, I reminded you of such.*gasp am idiot for that for sure* Heck I had to inform you myself. Fucking idiot. Well I happen to have a business and a life all of my own no thanks to you, you overgrown amoeba. Small talk isn't good enough. Acting like a two year old who just can't get his way. Just because you're launching your fucking site to which 1. I don't belong 2. I don't WANT to fucking belong and 3. which is a waste of my time when I'm getting the shitty end of the stick. I'd do it for a friend for free, and I thought I consiered you one, but alas I am left to believe otherwise. Everyone else who actually gives half a shit for me actually understand and appreciate my time and don't go about rushing me for anything which in any case is free. Hello? Trying to make a living here. ding ding! Although it's not always about the money come on!!!!! Give me a cookie...anything... geezus christ. The least that I require is feelings. It hurts me and pisses me off to know that I'm taken for granted by someone formerly close. Ugh.

Furthermore, you were right, I am too good for you. I need this to end. Now. I want my pictures!!!!! So stop fucking playing the victim and blocking me because I have blocked you to fuck back. Stop getting fluffed up just because I won't do something for you. I'm not your fucking whore. Stop disillusioning yourself you bastard. You're not doing anything of worth to stop all my work for for nothing. You're not making me happy. You are a selfish punk who just wants everything his way and wants everyone happy. Well it ain't so bitch. Get out of your little world child. Get real.

I don't believe this is helping my fever. It's back again... needing to drug up, but I just had to blog that.

I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I see Stac is doing well. Good. Sleepy now. Buhbye. Jus is here... whoopee. Had to call the bastard myself yesterday.

Stewps. Fever. V annoying.

Look at the time... I got up up to take some meds...I have fever. Eeep! There I thought I was getting better!! Stewps. Yesterday my nose was running... and well right now it isn't but give it half an hour... also have a headache. Ok scratch that... nose is running.
Nothing's been up. Where is Stac? I hope she's doing well.
Need rest. Body weak.

*sigh* Excuse my mood. I'm just not peachy. Have I said this already? Distancing oneself in order to protect another. Right. Deliriously tired now.

I've finally found out the name of the thing that my uncle has. V H L. Von Hippel-Lindau Disease. Right. It's hereditary...so any one of us could have it. *run*
Stace check your hotmail e-mail!

I feel better. Drugs are a wonderful invention indeed. Clarinase spokeswoman here. I'm coughing though, but again...las drogas al rescate! Moo!

sigh @ Arts. Righto.

I really don't like some people. I like some people. I don't like games. At all. Don't fucking EVER play with me.

Arthur...how does a bitch in heat be leashed to a wheelchair? A most disturbing image indeed. I'm starting to think that his blogs will become scarier.
Dani and I miss Stac already.
Having to deal with idiots at 3 am when you've told them you're sick really shows how much they care about you. I'm sorry, ignorant, judgemental assholes are just not my type.
I'm tired and I can't sleep (afraid to). Needing to rip throat out of neck if that is humanly possible.
Ack.

Fingers red, tongue red, teeth red. When was the last time you had preserved dried red mango? It's been years.
My throat is sore so the salt helps (one instance where the tem "salting" is ok for the hour. I slept on a dusty matress almost under Stac's bed (don't ask) this morning, for very short periods.

I'm just amazed at how this big mango was before all the water was sucked out of it...and now it's itsy bitsy.

Anyways I was just really happy to spend Stac's last day and something with her and her friends. Much fun indeed. The end, sad, but with the hope of seeing her very soon again. Her sis was in a mess, her brother nowhere to be found...interesting. We'll all live. Ugh losing a friend again, yet not, and in the process gaining many more. I've met more very cool people between last week to now. At least knowing Stac has her sexy laptop is assuring. E-mail and snail mail still rule.

Thanks to Stac for letting us raid her house...lol. That was fun I must say! Now to start back my French. Spanish and French at the same time. Heck yes I've done this before, I'm just a few years rusty. :P Despite me wanting to spend most of my time on this I realised again that I haven't gotten a job yet and well yesterday got yelled at once again... by not one but two people - at the same time... one here and one online. That's not ever fun.

Really should call Chris to tell him Jus is coming in. Oh oh oh I got to actually talk to Stef and Jus a la telephone when they called Stac last night/this morning! Woooo! Thanks guys...for everything!

Am by Stac on extremely hot white iBook. Woohooo! I want me one of these! It's mega sexy!!! Wheeee!!!
*headache*

Guess not. Oops. Will write some time like err later... like tomorrow evening.
Have a nice sunshiney happy day people.

I've been distracted and calm. It's Thursday still. Hopefully I'll blog this before the day ends.
Hung out with Dani today who is just a v cool unavailable, aloof elf-princess. Hehe. Saw a whole bunch of other people.

*runs to edit artwork*

I'll be bock.

Why would someone not want to read this for fear of the truth? There isn't a single person but one who refuses to read this. It hurts - tears deep into me. Maybe they're just a pussy and can't handle the truth. I hate that. Stop disillusioning yourselves.

I'm torn into a million pieces again my dears. I've refrained from blogging much for a few reasons; not having the energy, capacity and well time.
Maybe you're sick of me going on about this emotion thing, tired of seeing me sad. You want me to be happy eh? I think pursuit of happiness is a lifelong thing.
Are you all happy where you are? I suppose we should all embrace whatever situation we're in and be happy about it. I should be happy. I should make myself happy at all times. I shouldn't cry...right? I mean that's just not allowed...

Broken

Uncomfortable

Annoyed

Confused

Comforted by the thought that my friends are always concerned (I hope).
Disconcerted by the thought that they are fed up of me and either way I work things out on my own.

When you're talking to someone who doesn't care. Who can't ever understand because they're not even digging deep enough and are just there to buffer and "support" but they're not hearing you. They're not trying to. I suppose I'm guility of it too... I hate the shallowness.

*pause to cry ponder muse and get over it*

Thanks Johnny. You're a doll princess ;) *runs*
Thank you to those who have offered me such support when I've been at my lowest. Thank you for picking me out of this sticky self-pity muck. For knowing better than I do that I don't need this. I do appreciate all you have to say. Here I especially think about lab and dars.

Have calmed down considerably now. Back to reality for me.

Oh the trials I must face. Is there really a simple solution to this? I'm torn beyond recognition. Undue stress they say. Never settle for less they say. Aghhh. I hate this kinda thing. Grr grr grr. I really need to password here...asap.

*mumble*

Rufus W is very comforting at this point.

So very weird this feeling is. I'm just feeling to be away from everyone. Yet I want to be around certain people who may offer not comfort to that kind of turmoil within.
My Spanish is not doing well.

Ok I little update

Arts now has a blog on blogspot. Justin something's seriously wrong with that... lol... blogspot? How can you possibly allow our friend to have a blog on BLOGSPOT!?!?!?! *sigh* Arts can apparently only mass e-mail as well. :P I understand that though I suppose. The personalized e-mail thing is just way too much.

There's much to tell I suppose, but am probably on my way out right now.

My mood? Neutral to peachy. Need to see Stac.

Justy's coming yayyyy!

Sleepy children... off to bed. Whee.

Ok if I scared any of you in that last post sorry. I'm sorta ok now - yet not.
*sigh*
I need to forget about all of this...

Ended up in town running errands and liming with Stace a little bit. Yay she's just fine.

2:00pm : Today is just the most horrid day on the planet (once or twice over). I just want to scream so much so hard so loud so long and I just can't. I'm gonna get out of here and have some coffee and play some games perhaps and talk some shit. I can't take this bullshit anymore - don't you see? I'm better off alone and starving for all I fucking care. At least I'll be alone. I'm a selfish bastard and I don't give a fuck right now - sometimes I just need to work shit out by myself. I don't want phone calls or anything. Perhaps the one person who cares enough - or not - is just not here.

Oh well oh well - apparently nothing at all.

I can't breathe.

There's music that's left to comfort me to make me forget just for a while where I am to get me away from this sullen place to think about nothing and to feel nothing but the music. My hands are shaking too much for Photoshop, and that's been of no use. I've tried it. Maybe this is the only time I've felt like being an asshole and running away (have-nowhere-to-go), just disappearing for a while. I don't want anyone to worry all I need is to be left alone. I just want to be around happy people, I want to be completely happy just for a while not to worry about anything or anyone. I don't want to solve anyone's problems, I don't want to do their work, I don't want to be taken advantage of, I need air.

I'll go get dressed and get out of here now. I'll explain all of this later I suppose if I can even get a fucking chance to be online.

7:00 pm :
Home. Have gotten all I had to do done and met some interesting people along the way. The Spanish dudes are hoooootttt. Sadly young, but hot. *sigh* Not good. Shame the guy I'm gonna be practising with isn't hot but he's cool though.

Am exhausted...period.

Stace are you ok? Uh oh.

Not good mood going on at all.

I love Rufus Wainwright. Woo hoo!

Last night went to this surprise lime for Stac, which required me ducking for a while. Lol that was weird and interesting. Since she basically knew, at least I was a good surprise. Yay! Finally met Daniela and ermm a few others...

Something's cooking and it smells kinda good. Hmmm. Ah well. It's early and the sun is just beginning to blaze...am in a beach mood.

My uncle. I saw him yesterday and was moved to tears when I was leaving. He's very disoriented and switches from knowing what he's talking about to random weird stuff. It's not fun seeing him like that at all. :( He is much brighter and eating and talking at least. Very little sense of time and location...*sigh* They said they're discharging him tomorrow, but I dunno. We're not too happy with how he's progressing.

That's probably the latest... I finished that job Friday and not sure what's happening this week, but all I know is that I'm going to be very busy because I have a few million things to finish/do. Woo hoo!

*mumble*
hi
bye
am alive, so is uncle but still not well at all. yay limed with stac + friends a bit. yay!
dead now. bbye.

Tireddddddddddd.

*poof*

Oh woo Stac got an Open! Yayyyy go her!!!!

Am too sleepy to type further.
As for my uncle he's well.. there. It's some weird condition..and the scary thing is that any of us in the family could have it... Will tell you more when I find out more and when am somewhat more coherent.

Justin..wtf...thebitch blogged and couldnt answer my frickin e-mail.
Yay Arts wrote meeee.

Thanks again for your thoughts etc for my unc.

Oh and my uncle was worse today, but I think they may have found out what's wrong...something about abnormal blood vessels. Coincidentally, some family were in the hospital as well, and a little boy is suffereing with a similar case to that of my uncle... genetic? Apparently... it's very very weird.. but a known condition with seizures and such. I keep wondering whether my uncle's heart surgery just caused all of this to kick in. One of the guys in the other family who suffers from it as well said that it didn't show up in (someone) till age 31... weird huh? Scary too...

So that's the latest. Let's hope things will look up in the morning.
Thank your for your thoughts and prayers.

Dars... blog woman! Are you alive? Justin? hello? *sigh* Well at least have heard from Arts who is doing v well it seems.
Stac cussin embassy folks? lol.
Stace is blogging when she should be sleeping.
There's an ice pack on my neck. Gah. I hate filing.
Have managed to pick up a stalkertype person on the GATT forums. lol. Not completely, but it's uhm...weird. Distracting though. Stace laughing at me too.
Rich again has managed to provide very interesting sites for entertainment. Not feeling to put the links in - check the previous post's comments.

Side note : am hating all men. Again.

You guys, say a little prayer or something for my uncle ok? They don't even know what's wrong with him. :( They're running every kind of test possible too... they did a CAT scan today and found a few unidentifiable things (which apparently aren't tumours) on his brain. He was bleeding from some burst blood vessels as well in his head, but those have stopped. Today my aunt and I went to see him at lunch time. Egad. It definitely struck today, else I was feeling less separated or something. :(
I'm tired of seeing him sick...this is the same one who was in the hospital not too long ago with hiccups. There must be some reason behind this, but we're all so dumb we can't figure out why. Yet. You'd think we unhealthy people would be the ones developing mad thingies.

Today another long long hard day. I've been sleeping it off and well I can't help myself... my sleeping pattern is just screwed to hell.

Ah well.

Me? Alanis mood? Pshaw.
Had long hard day yesterday and expect another today. Not pretty. Stupid thing is taking longer than expected thanks to morons who can't file. Oh well.
Let me laugh today.
Let me not have nightmares again. (Night before there were a couple).
Let me finish the 1st job.

Ohh Stac be celeb! Oooh. Need to see that show...hope someone taped it.
Rich how was your first day?
Bleh hate it when people know I think their cousins are cute and come and wave it in front of me like a Ferrero Rocher chocolate. Not fair, but not like it matters...unless said cousin is seen. Not good. *run* Note to self: do not lunch in UWI.

Have lost ability to blog coherently. :( Sorry just not in the mood.
Why am I feeling to so apart from everything real?
My uncle is in the hospital again and well St. Clair is a piece of shit place, who just want your money and can't give you fucking sevice. It's a wonder people still go there.
I heard about all of this yesterday, and though very concerned, it still has not hit me.
I laughed at a funny mpeg at lunch, and yet... felt.. apart. This can't be good. I dunno it's a very weird separate feeling. I'm not sure if it's just me feeling overwhelmed and tired and my neck hurting like the dickens, or what. Weird weird feeling. :(

Am I a moron? Do I hide behind a facade of "bitch" while slowly sliding down the ladder to the bottom of the pit wherein lies the morons?
Knowing your faults kinda sucks. I just wonder how true they are, if people know me better than I know myself, if I'm livng some kind of lie, if I know what I'm doing, if I should even heed anyone's advice.
It's when I please myself is when everyone has a problem with me. Ohh you're a bitch, ooh you're not a nice person anymore, ooh you can be so much nicer, what happened to the nice sweet you I knew? Well fuck off that Trace is buried now - mostly. It didn't happen overnight you know! No, through experiences with you people I've become a bastard in my own right, only being nice when need be. I'm not a total monster just yet, I still have some semblance of a heart, but as I've said in a few other posts a while back, it's shrinking. Maybe it's remaining the same but just uhm caged in steel. I still hurt.

I am addicted somewhat to Dungeon Siege. Oh dear. Not good at all. I have to do work!!!!
I have work today. Joy.
Blah mood still. Very blah. At least the forums and my game are distracting. Y'know...maybe some of these gaming folks have the right idea...sink self into gaming and forget everything else. I should do that with my gaming and my work though.

Morons piss me off.
I can't tolerate conversations in which seemingly well-educated folk disappoint me by screwing up an already simple, boring conversation. It is really pathetic in this day and age. Even disabled people think make more sense. I like that Fitt artist dude...he's deep. At least HE can carry on a decent convo unlike these sad little people who take advantage of their ability to speak clearly and fill the world with idiocy. I guess I shouldn't be the one talking about that, but still...geeezuuuuss.
Just an observation...

Am not in a particulary cheery mood as you can guess...but then is this much different from my usual sarcastic heartless-bitch self?
Maybe Stef, mom, and everyone else is right? I need a man? I need a good lay?
Heavens! Would I have time for selfish self-analysis and such in that case? I may not even blog! *gasp* If I fall head over heels in love with some bloke or the other (god forbid) this is sure to make me a peachier sweeter caring person? Probably not. I'm still a bitch any way you take it.

I was told some time ago - "Is your blog all you care about?" The temptation to retort "Is fucking all you care about?" was resisted with great difficulty. I was trying to be nice you see - sensitive. Trying not to hurt feelings and such because I know I "always say the right things" and that would be bad y'know?

I don't like hiding my feelings, and at times I have to for many different reasons. *deletes whole paragraph*
I'd really like certain people, maybe you know yourselves, or maybe not (I'll have to hint to you big time), to just come out and say how they're feeling. I can't respond to you adequately if you don't give of yourself too. I am actually capable of having some semblance of a heart, but not when you have up a 6 foot thick concrete and steel defense wall.

I can't sugarcoat things too much as you guys may have noticed. I'm a brutal bastard and I can't help it. I can't help thinking what I think, can't help having a warped sense of perspective (which is sometimes right!) and I just can't help being me. If you can't deal with it move the fuck along and get out of my way.

*sigh* rambling again. Eyes closing...