Downward upward spinning

It's chilly tonight! My hands and toes are generally freezing, but it's all good. No one is around so it's introspection time again. This is probably not the best last post of 2003, but hey, I can't help what comes out.

You who think you can be my friend when it's convenient to you, when you're all smug in your bullshit, when you think the world evolves around you and your puny life. You need me when you want to confirm your fucking worth - your self esteem is that low. She loves you, she hates you; he loves you, he hates you. I'm happy for you; I'm jealous of you. I love you; I hate you right now. Am I a fucking cookie? I didn't know I had those powers of comfort sweetie. I don't want to bring you down to earth, I don't want to spoil your lovely day. I'd rather sit here and listen to my songs and write disturbing shit in my blog. This is my psychiatrist; I guess I'm yours. That's okay.

I quote one of my friends: Alone isn't fucking poetic, it's not something cool to aspire to. It makes nightmares, crushes my lungs and spirit. It hurts. I am alone tonight but it's okay, I'm making the best of it. Brace yourself.

So this is it. This is the end of the year. It doesn't feel like there's much I've left behind. In a way I suppose that's bad. I'm having a hard time remembering what happened, yet there have been many many interesting, horrible, and fantastic events that have been etched into my memory. I'm still too lazy to sit and think about it properly because I'm afraid that I will want to kick myself. I'm afraid to read the archives of this blog. Of course it needs updating but that's a whole other story. Hehe. Working on it!

I am looking forward to a new year, a year of even more change. I think that would be a good idea. I'm just making one resolution : change - evolution and exploration. Oh how deep that rabbit hole will be!

Over the past few days my eyes have been opened even wider (if that was humanly possible) to a different side of myself, my soul. It usually takes just one sentence to strike my heart and fuck me over completely (in as best a way as possible). I think I'm beginning to realise a few more things. I am an uptight bitch with serious issues. Stay far away! I would hate me if I wasn't me. I think it's worse than I prefer to disillusion myself about. My soul isn't as free as I'd like it to be. My spirit is caged and I feel like I'm living life as someone else. Who am I really? I guess that will be my mission for oh four. I can't do it alone though.

Thinking about it, it's just all about fear. Fear of looking stupid, fear of imperfection, fear of myself. Stupid fear is evil! Evil I say! Of late I find myself doing things I wouldn't ordinarily do and it's a start right? Anyways I'm tired of this now. That's enough self study for one night. You must be exhausted reading all of that.

In other news, I think I may be having a small lime by me tonight. We'll actually be going to church. Stop gasping already! The girls should be going so I decided to be good. After that we'll be heading up here. I am just not in a mood to be be anywhere except with friends. I don't want to dress up much and compete with anyone in a dressing contest and be false and shit. I don't want to be around people I don't know or care to know. My friends come first. I have had to decline a few limes and for that I am sorry, but I'm just not in the mood. You can come here if you want (bring whatever you want). I need to make a few more calls and see what the scene is with the folks. Thursday a proposed beach lime is in order. I think.

Stef's gone. He came through last night for a few minutes. Yay! What a sweetheart. Hope his flight was good. *hugs S.I.*
Darsy is sick as a dog, and so is mostly everyone else. What the hell you guys? Come on!! :( This is a very sad excuse for a vacation if you intend to be sick so phooey.

Call on me .... spin spin sugar. I am not going to attempt to figure that out.

The music...it fills me...it is neat

Currently on playlist :

City Love- John Mayer
Amber - 311
Tears All Over Town - Everything But The Girl
Summer in Paris - DJ Cam ft. Anggun
Once Around The Block - Badly Drawn Boy
32 Flavors - Alana Davis
Tender - Blur
Life In Mono - Mono
Trouble - Coldplay
Dinner At Eight - Rufus Wainwright
Cowboy Junkies - Sweet Jane
New York Minute - Don Henley
Café Del Mar Volumes 5, 6, 8


Last night - rather this morning I couldn't sleep until after 4 am. I was caught up in a swirl of music. From John to Anggun to Tonic and Rufus. I think I need a good pair of headphones though. This headset pair is way too loose and the sound isn't good unless I pess them to my ears. Bleh.

I need me more beach.

Sleepy.

Mofo Clock!

Yeh well fuck you too clock! I was startled out of my loverly nap but this weird sound sounding like a cell phone ring. It was horribly loud and piercing, sounding at that time like some Scottish thingything. I had to look around my room and check my compy. Nada. I went back to bed and tried to sleep and it happened again after about 10 minutes. What the fuck? I even wondered about if I had picked up someone's cell by mistake and it was somewhere. There I was searching my room and wondering also if it was a bandit outside giving his bitchass cover away. When you're confused you think the strangest things.

After about the third time I thought I heard it coming from outside so I opened the door cautiously. Hmm. I had found the culprit. Fuck you new clock!!!! NOW it decided to sound the fucking hour thingy chime whatever, but it wasn't a chime! Stupid digital type ugly sounds are horrid for clocks! I hope they ban those forever.

My mom got the clock as a Christmas gift from my aunt. It's a stupid uglyass thing actually but they put it up when they got home Christmas night. When I had returned home that night, I entered the house to a strange very annoying ticking sound. Again the big WTF flew across my head. Fucking clock! They hadn't quite gotten how to set the hourly chime thing because there were no instructions! Gawd! So tonight it finally decided to work....every 15 minutes? Dad finally got up and killed it (the sound thing thing).

So all of that... shit...haha! That's why I'm up. I been hanging with some of the folks catching up and bitching that I'm not seeing some of them who are here. I'm also taking in some good music.

Oh my gawd...blame Jaysen. He's shown me the way and the light once more. Broken Social Scene is a Canadian band with some very interesting music (so far have heard just this one song but am v impressed). Jay sent me Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl. Very cool...ambienty folky type thing. Whee! Thanks honey! He says he's my strange music guy. Had to be Canadian. *run*

Fuck @ time. I have been post-blogging and now-blogging. Eeep!! Well maybe I'll get up late for once!

Happy Birthday to Dadddyyyyy! Thank god he doh read this he'd have a heart attack...and probably won't understand half.

Yummeh

So when you combine the prettiest kindest eyes with a hot body, a sweet soul and a naughty side that's hard to resist what do you get? Yumminess - unadulterated yumminess. So anyways...just random thought really.

I am an ole dog! Ah know ah know!!! I forgot entirely about Stefan's lunch today and had made plans with Arts and gang to go to the beach. I also ducked a family lunch. Woops. Hell I never know what's up until the last minute. Oops though for Steffypoo - am sorry! I love you!!!!!! In any case that whole coupley affair probably was not for me...? I gave you enough time with your woman eh so you can't complain that I bugged you guys at all.

The beach was good though! I am sorry I couldn't carry Dars because I know she hasn't seen beach in ages. The car was bloody packed. I shared the backseat of a 2-door with the boogie board. Dars, the girls and I will go to the beach some time again...I hope! This week? Any takers?

I have sand in my hair and I don't care! I am a stinkypoo. There was no water when I got home so this de-sandification of hair shall have to transpire in the morning. Yes I did get my bath...with great difficulty but I am clean.

Dre : "You're an anomaly" Moi? This was in response to my question about my bathing suit matching and still going swimming like normal people who don't go to Maracas Bay to flaunt their goods. Apparently the people with the less-than-neat/cool/hot suits don't give a shit and go to take in the beach and swim or whatever. Either that or they're poor. I figure I'd look like one of those frowsy femmes if I didn't get two new suits earlier in the year. Phew. Either way that whole anomaly thing is disturbing somehow.

Alright I am one. I am I am. Non-drowsy medication sends me straight to sleep. Shut up! Alcohol usually has the same effect for like 10-20 minutes. Hush.

Need nap!Tired as heck!

Unfuckinstoppable

I don't know I just felt like typing that and so it became the title. I have slept and I am awake...and I am in some sort of mood.

I hate fucking CNN. You're only seeing California mudslide shit where only a few people are dead and then there's Iran's earthquake inwhich 20,000 dead? Not that we're not used to it by now.

Justin...I wonder if he has e-mail access...or net access... Bitch. Merry Christmas or something. I miss you dearly :(

Urgh

Oooooga. Ugh. Pft. Bleh. Rarr. :-/
I think I need more sleep.

It's been a lazyass day and I'm even more lazy right now. I woke up late enough (but not late enough) and eventually had lunch at a normal time, totally ignoring breakfast. Had a little nap and went visiting family this evening. I was hanging with my cousins and his friends. We had all sorta grown up together and grown apart and come back together. Now 10...20 years later it's like..shit we're old!! Reminiscing like old people. Gawd.

I really need sleep.

The Return

It has been seen and it is neat. Uhm so Gosine....why the first 10 minutes out? It was intrinsic in the story poopyhead. Last 25 minutes. Hehehe. Ever heard about closure? It was supposed to be all dramatic and emotional and shit. So the frollicking hobbit things and the starry-eye contact was a bit eek but say what! I didn't direct it and neither did you! :P!
It was a good movie though - enjoyed it despite yawning a bit, but that's because of me not sleeping much. Artsypoo (requested nick since everyone else has name+poo except him apparently!so he say eh) is groovy and very warm thankfully. So I'm pale AND I conduct coldness? Wonderful. Ok so I wore a not-so-warm top... but it was a hot day dammit...well before.

The knowledge .... it fills me....it is neat! ~ Gir as scary uber robot as he sucks info from library books.

I am sleepy. Whee.

WHERE ARE JAMES' M and B??!?!?!

Meeeeewwwwwyyyy Cwithmuth To Youuuu!

Yayyyy! Happy holidays readers! I will send cards later...I think. *hugs and love*

Q and Ross were here! Yay! *stupid grin* Cannot believe it's been what 3 or 4 years since I saw him. His new CD is great! Yayyyy go him :)

In other news I thought I must post this! So uhm... thanks to dry for this and for utterly distracting me reading all this shit.

Let us pray :

Time for my prayers:
Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

Thaz a cobo thing for sure.

A classic for the gamers :

Ouroboros: lets play Pong
Ok.
| .
. |
| .
. |
| .
| .
Whoops

All courtesy of Bash.org

*snicker*

I must go to sleep my dear earth monkeys.

Paleosity

dry: when last sunlight hit your skin and "tried" to catalyze a chemical reaction with your melanin?
*GLARE*
Well nobody carryin me to the beach so..there. Uhm but that was funny.

Complete relaxation and utter confusion

Wheee again. I think this is working again so woohoo!

Arthur, Ross, Dre, Dre, Anji, Stac, Dani, Aadam, Stef and only Dars, Vee and Jus are missing. Dars is coming soon and Vee is coming when everybody is frigging leaving or have left! But like yay except for the missing Gosine which sucks much donkeynuts.

My nails and toes are gorgeously cappuccino chiller. Rarrr!

YAYYYY

It's over! Yay! My exams are done! Whee!

Bleh

Post dammit!

Bah

You know...I guess I shouldn't complain or anything, but I can't stand when you ask one tiny favour of someone and they won't do it because they're wound up in self pity. On the other hand I can look at it on my side and think that I'm being selfish and I want my own way, but yet in thi scase I really don't think that is it. When you invest your time and effort into say oh a friendship, and you've put out so much, to ask one tiny thing in return shouldn't be a problem.

Oh well i guess that's how life fucks you up huh?

Otherwise I have heard from almost everyone who is here except a few people. Not that it matters because I'm oh so busy being locked up in this godforsaken house. Yesterday I went into town (what a mess!) and got me shoes! Yay. That's my Christmas present from mom and I also got a handbag. Yay!

I shall not be looking at The Two Towers tonight. There's Adaptation and 8 Crazy Nights going on. Hah. Screw you TT...I can look at you tomorrow. I think. I should be studying.

*scrambles for book*

MUUUAAAAHHHHHHAAHAHAHHAAHA WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


GIR // GIR is one of the most hilarious people on
the show. He's a robot and is SUPPOSED to be
helping Zim. His quote is "Can I be a
moongoose dog?"


Which Invader Zim character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

That write up is so fucking stupid. He's not a people, he's a wittle cute robot who loves cupcakes and piggies and monkies! :) Girrrr!!!!

I have gone crazy. I have lost it utterly. I am downloading a gajillion sounds. If I had DSL I'd be getting all the episodes.

Stef's here wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Music n things

I love music! I finally found the song I heard on this movie - Ghost Ship. Monica Mancini - Senza Fine. It's gorgeous!!! Yummy! I'm also digging Josh Groban. I saw him performing on the Sharon Osbourne show and fell for that whole sexy voice with cute hair thing. His voice is just fab too of course.

On a whiny note, I don't really like updating my software much. I despise even more huge updatey downloads that tend to fuck up your system even more with bullshit. I had to uninstall my Nvidia driver because it was frigging up. I now have no driver and it's fine. What the fuck?

Anyways, I may be getting the flu again and that's not at all groovy. I am going to drug myself into a sleepy stupor (with non-drowsy drugs) and find my bed. Beddy bed bed beddddyyy bed bed bed.

My God everyone's coming down here for the holidays. Goddamn. I have no gifts! I have no money! :(

Angst

Happy Birthday Ritzy and Randy and Sam and Juju!

Not that they reads this but oh well - I'll just send an e-card. Half of these people are on my list and I don't even speak to them. That can't be too good. I have lost contact with so many people. The other day I was going through my contacts, old and new and realised how many people I've not spoken to for ages.

Ugh I am feeling so bleh, so jittery, so unstable and poopified. Very swirly.

Ok back to read history stuff.

Shucks. I think I need to get out of this house. It's driving me crazy.

Poopy random shit

Who the fuck are Trista and Ryan and why the hell did they have a wedding on tv? How lame! i keep hearing about this shit and it's pissing me off. Found a link and ugh!! Alt-f4. Yuckity yuck. I despise that reality tv shit you know. Bloody unrealistic shit. Of course there are times when you're surfing and you hit upon it for a few minutes and get sucked into these people's apparent lives. Now I just switch it as fast as I switch soap operas.

Also haha I see my guestbook is filled with utter rubbish. I only recognise a few names now - of the people I actually know and not George from fucking Bulgaria. I should take it all down. It's just taking up unnecessary room.

I am doing work online. I'm reading my books and articles and such while I blog. Yes oh yes. I'll be done soon with this and can concentrate better.

Finally saw Matrix Revolutions yesterday with Christian - no thanks to any of the other extremely salty people around. At least we enjoyed it. Don't know quite what people were expecting.

Other recent cable movies I took in : About Schmidt (not bad), Catch Me If You Can (not bad at all!). I think that's probably it. I have missed Angels In America and not too happy about it...hopefully I'll catch it tomorrow. I don't know where it's reached. Oh well.

Otherwise I'm alive, grumpy and mostly done cleaning out. Now it's to decorate. I don't have that much time to be decorating and preparing much either. This stupid exam has me annoyed. Fuckers.
As for Christmas presents and such ugh let's not even start!!! Pft. I don't even have cards.
I'd like to go shopping but I am poor and people owe me money. Just frigging great.

My cousin got himself a PS2. Hehe. Muahahhaaha. I wonder if he'd lend me. Probably not. He and his friends are being all hoggish. Not like I'm going to use it anyway! I should be doing a lot of art over these holidays you know. Liming would be an option but I don't even know if that will be viable. Ah well.

Out with the old

I'm throwing out my old clothes and stuff that I don't want anymore. My drawers are near empty and the wardrobe very sparse. I am down to 2 pairs of sneakers, 2 pairs of work type shoes (which will not be worn probably ever now!), 1 slide and 1 strappy shoe. Oh ugh. I will throw out the old flip flops as soon as I get new ones. I promise! I have gotten no birthday money. *sigh*

Vewwy vewwy empty closets now. Ah well.

Torturing myself looking at clothes, undies, shoes and jewelry online that I can't get. *sniff* I shall try not to be materialistic..really I try.

Oh my God it's clear!

My room is mostly clean* *gasp* I went on a cleanign spree today because my room was an utter disaster area after portfolio production. There were pieces of paper flying all over, so I gave the floor and bed a clean sweep and vacuum. How light it feels now. With new curtains and stuff it feels overly clean and now liveable.

Phew. I haven't done the desk yet and my art is still outside. I have no idea where to put all of that. I actualy had to throw out a large number of my old old pieces of art because they got mouldy in my wardrobe. It was against a wall that has a shower on the other side and there's hot and cold going through that wall all the time... what a mess. Now I think only unimportant stuff is going there. I nee dmore and more storage ack. This is despite me moving things around and allocating new space for everything.

I am pooped. Also - yay classes are finally done. We had just one more class today so yay that's the end of that, but alas it sorta continues next semester. :(

Alive

Well I'm alive. This is good. I am very very exhausted after a while of rushing work for my portfolio. It's been a long day with horrendous hours and very little sleep. Despite this I'm still awake and I figure I can always sleep tomorrow.

After our exam, Cin and I just hung out all over and took a walk through the mall. Pretty things I cannot afford. *sigh* I need clothes and shoes. Bleh.

So very yay because James M is so cuteypieish. It is a shame dial-up sucks so badly.

I'll rest I promise.

Happy Birthday?

Well...I don't know about that.

Not amused

Fuck you evil course. I am frustrated and still have work coming out of my fucking ears. Man. I have a headache - so much so that a break was needed and I had to do this stupid quiz. Oh good grief.

"The Ultimate Mirror of Arda." You write
the huge 400 page, 12 volume book set about
everything from the principle letters of the
Tengwar, to the diameter of Orthanc to the
rainfall average in Rohan. Your book will know
everything there is to know: and it will be
written rather like the Silmarillion or the
Bible making it one hell of an uphill battle to
read. It'll be a limited edition set and cost
more than any bloody person could ever friggin
pay. You conceited bastard!


If you authored a book about Middle Earth, what would it be?
brought to you by Quizilla


Also I don't understand why when people see "busy" that's when they decide to message. Like it's a fucking homing signal for people who give a fuck. /disconnect

I'm not even halfway through my work - if you really wanted to know. *sigh* At least 2 of the fucking pieces are giving me a whole lot of trouble. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do this. Fuckkk. Grrrrrr ^100. Here I am...home. Bleh.

I admit it (fuck off) - I wasted time to decorate the Christmas tree today. I couldn't help it! My pretty star that I bought in the post Christmas 50% sale last year was staring at me saying, "oh look it's me who you have not ever used. Put me up for am so gorgeouslike" Indeed she is gorgeous. That of course brought about me putting up the other decorations who were lonely in their bags.

I am also missing blogging, and the folks and everything. Bleh. Oh god.. must..do...work...