Saturday, January 18, 2003

For the first time since I've been back, my roommate and I talked about things seriously. It was good, it was something I'd been wanting to do for a while, something I'd really missed over the break (Instant Messenger conversations are jokes and only jokes and the phone doesn't work well.) I told him how happy I was about him being with Leah, told him all about how things were since coming back. For about an hour, we just went back and forth, covering as much as we could, truthfully and without being redundant.
I feel like I am truly lucky to have him as a roommate, that of all the people he could have chosen to room with, he picked me. I don't think I have realized that enough up to this point.

posted by McKain | 11:14 PM

Friday, January 17, 2003

I still don't understand why I have such a problem with groups. I can't function normally in large groups (and by large I mean me and three or four other people) even if the group consists of people I am comfortable with. Last night, I went downtown with Maura, Emily Chapman, Will and Leah. I was really glad that Will and Leah held to themselves a lot and that most of the time was spent only throwing snowballs. Had the group not been so obviously divided, had it not been the couple and the others, I would not have been able to last as long as I did.
Today, I went downtown with Tony, Mark, Luis, and Anna. From the beginning I was feeling the discomfort and need for seclusion. When they all went to Bertolo's, I went to Subway, which was where I orginally wanted to eat anyway. I just don't know why I can't be myself with a group of people. I can't rationalize it.

posted by McKain | 6:08 PM

Finally she said it. I'd just been waiting and pushing away from her, so uncertain that I thought any interest showed towards her would be negative. And I'd been hoping she'd say it on her own, that I didn't have to pretend like I didn't have the time for her because I thought that's what she wanted.

posted by McKain | 2:48 PM

Thursday, January 16, 2003

For the first time in months, today I felt attraction to someone other than Anna. It was purely physical and stupid, but it is a diversion. I don't think I will ever talk to the person because I would be using her to get my mind off of Anna and she shouldn't be my tool. Listen to me, I talk as if she'd just throw herself at me. I have such a persistent suppressed confidence. Geez, she's pretty, though. During the CATS meeting, she got close to me to sign up for something, our legs touching. Why do I need physical distractions to keep myself from thinking (music, movies, books, touching, fighting, dancing, singing when I'm alone, showers, the cold wind of an air conditioner late at night)? [Sensory overload or intensity to deprive other mental activity: making characters in designs, finding rhythms in water fall, feeling for all points of pulse, determination, focus, precision]

posted by McKain | 11:13 PM

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

And suddenly, the happiness is not fake. I am not convincing myself I feel good, I am feeling good. Last night, in bed I shouted in my mind that I want someone to love me, that I want to feel insanely and whole-heartedly special to someone, to anyone. I thought that I have given out my love and I want some return. It was all desperation and melodrama and tears.
But this morning I awoke to complete belief in everything I've said about the swelling contentment I feel, about the increase of personal happiness despite or even because of my position in inter-personal afairs. It was so warm today.

posted by McKain | 4:18 PM

Monday, January 13, 2003

Today I spent mainly feeling nervous about even thinking of Anna's name, of worry about how to break the ice all over again. Yesterday, I just avoided her, acted as though I didn't know she was around because seeing her made me both happier than it should and more hopeless than I imagined. Through it all yesterday, I wanted to be sure that all was not lost.
And today, when I asked if she wanted to do anything, I suppose she did, but not involving me. Ugh, I feel sick.

posted by McKain | 7:16 PM