Saturday, February 01, 2003

And I thought, "Geez, Anna, if you would just look at me, I'd feel half as good as I did last night, when I knew you cared."
I almost fainted on stage.

posted by McKain | 9:19 PM

Thursday, January 30, 2003

There's a star in the night sky.

posted by McKain | 11:05 PM

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Talk about symbolism.
There was a part in my dream last night in which I was running with Daniel and Jay from my hometown. We were running, through baseball fields and rural settings. Then we went through a suburban complex, and I saw someone on a swinging wooden loveseat, two people, who I both thought were Mark, at first. As I got closer I realized they were relatives of Katie's and asked them if Katie was around. She wasn't. Then, Mark himself showed up. He walked over to Anna's house and knocked on the door. It was only two houses down. No one answered. I then walked over to Lauren's house and knocked on her door. It was only one house down. No one answered.

There was an earlier part of the dream that involved more people from the school, lots of suddenly sexual occurrances, me walking around nude, unimbarassed. There was one part where I didn't realize certain things and were awkward when I finally did.

posted by McKain | 11:59 AM

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

:: thought while brushing my teeth after a phone call from my mom::
Anna, you've, to some degree, ruined my perception on things. You've helped destroy my ideallic picture, my optimistic beautiful love-hungry wonderful understandable containable childish immature outlook on life. I loathe you for it as much as I love you for it. It was nice to imagine a romantic universe, to mentally create a gorgeous existence in which things fit perfectly. But you've helped me grow. I don't mean this to be sarcastic or snide in any way. I'm more human now, more understanding of the reality of things because of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
::and also I've realized that my mom knows more than I've ever given her credit for::

posted by McKain | 3:29 PM

Tonight I seem to think I need to force myself to stay awake. I've done nearly half of the Litmus work I have due by Wednesday. Tomorrow, I will get my essay assignment, most likely relationship to the body or to illness. It will be due Wednesday. I have a psychology test Wednesday. We begin preparing for our reading Wednesday. There is a movie playing Wednesday that I'd like to see.
I need to be asleep right now.

posted by McKain | 2:15 AM

Monday, January 27, 2003

Last night, Will dreamt of Leah. It was after four and I couldn't get to sleep and he started mumbling. I couldn't make out much past her name and I was trying my hardest to not listen. Hearing that made me feel better then, but now I just feel terrible. I can't stop shaking.

posted by McKain | 2:26 PM

And after the dance I felt great. I didn't talk to Lauren tonight, though I wanted to. McLean suggests I give her some space. But it was good to see her at the dance tonight, to sit and talk to her. Also, I was friendly with Anna, playful even. It was actually comfortable. No worries whatsoever.
I just wish I could have talked to her more. We walked back to the dorm together. I really hope she likes me. That'd be great.

posted by McKain | 12:37 AM

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Plutchik said that love is a combination of joy and acceptance. I don't completely agree with him - I think love is awe in spite of flaws, attraction despite differences - but I think that joy and acceptance are extremely important. Joy I felt. But acceptance not so much. It was almost as though I were being tested the whole time; if I said the wrong thing, I was an idiot, if I did the wrong thing, I should be ignored. It wasn't comfortable. That might be it - I just want to be comfortable and I can't get that way around her while I feel attracted to her.
Maybe that is what I think is so sweet about Will and Leah's relationship. Just the fact that they both act as they naturally do even when they're together is amazing enough in itself. It is such a friendship that is almost insane to imagine them dating. But they still have that love, the joy and acceptance, the awe in spite of flaws and attraction despite all differences. That is what's so unbelievable about them - they're friends and romantic at the same time.

posted by McKain | 3:43 PM

It is Sunday, a Sunday without a movie and something that little is driving me insane.
Last night I talked to Anna on the phone, a conversation spawned from our shared anger. I was furious nearly the whole conversation, but had to hold it all in. I am too passive. Anna told me that once, maybe as a joking insult, maybe as nothing more than an observation, maybe as a way to get my temper to flare. I thought a lot about. Last night on the phone, I wanted to shout out my response to that. I was shaking with trying to hold it back. This is what I wanted to say, and I don't know why I wanted it said so badly:
Do you know why I'm so passive? Do you know what has caused me to hold my anger in? It is seeing my mom and dad argue when I was four hearing them yell at the top of their lungs as I ate and my little sister played with her food it is seeing the arguement escalate into violence hearing the plates break on the carpeted floor hearing my mom being pushed against the wall hearing her still shouting back as she's smashed against it and the pictures fall from where they hung. It is visiting my dad and having the tv remote slapped from my hand having him shout about something I'd done and backing my way into a corner curling up and having him tell me that it is my fault what I'd done and I should look at him as I was punished for it he didn't do it so he shouldn't feel like the fucking monster it is being afraid of my father it is sleeping in the bathroom with the door locked so that he didn't yell any more. It is hearing my teenage sister shout from her room about all the things I'd done wrong all the times I'd been horrible growing up without showing her enough love it is listening to all this in silence and knowing that it was true it is hearing the words ring in my head as I tried to sleep tried to be mature and not get upset tried to pretend that it all wasn't true that she was delusional that I hadn't helped ruin her life that I'd done something positive. And if you dare tell me that is bullshit, that I'm blaming this on other people, that my problems are my own and only mine, that I caused it and am responsible for it, that I am lying to myself to feel better about myself, that I was passive before this all, that I am weak and not able to get angry for my own reasons then I will loss my mind and be able to do absolutely nothing about it.

posted by McKain | 1:24 PM

And tonight I realized, later in introspection and retrospection, I realized of course that I am incredibly foolish.
Confidence fails me once again. I feel positive about a situation and I have to slowly realize the truth once more.

posted by McKain | 2:42 AM